Using the T makes me thing of a lot of shit. I mean, ur just either waiting for the next train, or sitting in one, doing nothing, staring at people's feet or else they think ur staring at them, so of course ur gonna think about stuff. I figured out when me and steve first talked for the first time yesterday while i was on the T to the theater district. It was on July 4th, how exciting.

Well, its about 10 am and i have no idea what i'm doing for the rest of the day, which is a bit unsettleing. I'm trying to find out what i need to do and which places i need to go...to make this oppertunity and experience more fulfulling. But i figured that just spending time with Steve already makes it worth it.

I dread going back to school because i don't want to be around jess, but I don't think she'll be in Lyceum, so i prob won't even see her n e ways. Edith is my best friend, but i feel so astranged from her lately. She doesn't seem like she misses me at all and in the conversation i had with her last week....she sounded so cold, like she was just fulfilling her duty by at least calling me once while i'm up here. Oh well....its just so sad. I don't have many if any friends back home, maybe just Xue and Edith. THe rest are just acquintenes.

There is a LOTR exhibit at the Boston Museum of Science. I really really really want to go, but i'm scared that it won't be as exciting as i think it would be. The tickets are also 20 bucks. I mean, i don't mind the price at all, just don't want to risk the chance of something that has to do with LOTR being bad....although i doubt it would be. All the people back home would freak if i had the chance to go but didn't.

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I wish i were leaving here first, then at least i would be in the comfort of home instead of being stuck here in misery and loniness...even thinkng about it is unbearable. Can fate happen twice...maybe it won't be done with us yet...idk....sometimes i feel neive for saying this. I can't help it though because my feelings are really deep and rooted. I feel like i've already been so lucky to have met him that all my luck has been used up. The more i think about, the more I realize how surreal everything is.

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Ok. Update on my last entry

1. Vassar College
2. Bucknell
3. Bard
4. NYU
5. Chapel Hill

i was feeling so horrible this morning and afternoon. I felt like me world was collapsing...i was dizzy...had a headache. But i always feel so much better after having any essense of communication with Steve. It makes to wonder whether he's the cause or the cure...hehe.

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i've decided to create a deadline...a list of 3 good match/reach colleges and 3 safety colleges before 12am 2morrow.

Right now, all i have is a few definates:

1. Must be small private college
2. Must be in NE.....except for Maine or DE
3. Must be Princeton Review selectivity rating of 95 or less

I am being really serious, more serious about college and my future than i've ever been in my life. i need to stop making excuses because i don't have much more time left. I need to face the reality of the seriousness of the impact my decisions will make on my life and my happiness. I know that theres always a possibility of making a mistake, but thats just a part of life. True happiness is not attained by getting what you want...its more so really wanting and cherishing what you already have.

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Fuck! I feel like i've gotten the life and happiness sucked out of me 2day because Sadia, had to talk to me about her BF's dad dying. I mean, i feel so bad for her, it made me cry too, i didn't know what to say, but she just kept talking and talking and it just made my aura, my lifeenergy drain so low. Then, i felt like i wanted to throw up when she all of the sudden asked me..."are u with anybody.....u know when it really hurts? When somebody is with you for pity.....do you think they are?" And then she had this wierd look on her like she knew something. I've never even told her that i was even involved with anybody....where the heck did she get that. It just made me sick to my stomach......like a nightmare. She also told me that she had predicted her BF's dad would die, she felt it. I'm getting chills just thinking about it. Ahhhh, damn, fuck, why did she have to come talk to me. Maybe i'm just lacking in faith, faith that things are mutual. It has to be...or else he would say so...i'm beleiving....i need to be strong and secure!

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I feel so stupid. I havn't posted latly b/c i couldn't figure out how to do it since nutang had thier NuMakeover. Well, i finally did...finally...yayah

Ahh man...i had something really good to write about...but i can't remember now

*thinking*

Wow, i can't beleive i can't think of anything to write about...this is quite strange.

Right now, i'm a little worried. I never really noticed how easy and effortless high school is compared to college. I mean, even in ap classes and stuff, its hard, lots of work, but i always have something motivating me, like college, rankings, and other stuff. In college, theres really not that much motivation and everything i do...its would have to be myself motivating me to do it. I'm such a good student with really good grades but when i'm here, i turn into a slacker. Thats scary.

I've never been around so many people in my life, whether i see them everyday, are in class with them, or just pass them by on the streets. Its an mind opening experience. I definatly do feel like i've been out and seen more of our society/real world. I've been mostly sheltered my whole life.

Speaking of my previous life...man...what has happened? I think i took a..well, not 180, but maybe like 90 degrees turn from the way i use to be. If someone described me the way i am now to someone i use to know, they would be a little shocked. But its not really a bad thing...is it? Its so hard to know right from wrong, should or shoudn't, good or bad, yes or no.......ahhh, i get dizzy just thinking about it. Really, i am dizzy...I'm so lazy to eat...someone would have to come and feed me or something. It just takes so much freakin effort. *sigh* I think deep down, i'm way more happy than people may percieve.

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