mood: empty...longing

I'm sorry for not writing for so long...i was finding that what i was writing in my journal was not deep enough...i don't know what i should write and not write...

More than ever, i've been feeling like theres so many different emotions that i've never felt before and are missing in my life. I don't just want to feel them, i want to explore and experience all the different colors of those emotions. I want to be in a relationship with someone where we just can't get away from each other...have this invisible rope of love that binds us together with passion and utter helplessness.

Going to 4th block, i saw Hugh standing in the hallway. I had this cold rush flow throughout my body as i saw him. I had to do a triple take....i had to stop because it was getting way too obvious. I read his online journal, he seems to be infactuated in a double long distance relationship with a girl named anne and Hitomi....him and his friends write so beautifully and expressively...they have the gift of materializing their deepest emotions into poetic words that later trandescend back into feelings that the reader can relate to.

There is this in lyceum that irks me. He always talks about the different numerous colleges that have accepted him and how he's rejecting all of them because he's already decided where he's going to. Why did u apply to so many of them then....was it to boost your ego that you were accepted and had to reject all of them? I don't have much respect for your intelligence because it wasn't really hard-earned. You were born smart, its not like you put n e extra effort to get the highest grades. Acually, its not that that i mind, its just that I hate how conceited u are.

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Summing up last weekend in just a few of words....Ritalin, Oxycotin, annoying kid who stole our jars, Matt's house, porn, snorting on God's little prayer book, and Jess's dissapointment...

Wow, it was definatly the best weekend i've ever had. Hope theres more like it to come...

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mood: mega stressed!

I'm really confused as to why Mrs. Butler decided to wait till three days before the Science Olympiad competition to tell us which events we're doing. Yea, it was an improvement from last year...we found out the day of the competition. But just how hard was it to have assigned them earlier? *Sigh* I really don't feel like going to it, i havn't done n e thing to prepare because Lyceum is giving me way too much stress. I'm really hating having all four subjects at the same time because i don't have the ability, patience...just overall brainpower to focus. What i end up doing to spreading myself thin, just doing mediocre-bad in every class.

Oh, French class is the worst class i've ever had in my life! I hate it more than i did gym. Mrs. Lewis needs to retire, she should have done it the day she started teaching!

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mood: wishing

You know what would be the most awesome thing in the world?! Driving a sporty motorcycle!!! So dangerous, so invigorating, so sexy!

My brother use to have a motorcycle, but i only got to ride on it once, not even for a whole minute. I think that if i go to driving school to learn how to drive, i'll be fine at it. I'm really good and driving n e thing.

My mom would totally not let me drive a bike, but once i turn 18, get my own money and stuff, theres nothing they can really do. I know its dangerous, but with proper instruction, i'll do fine. I can't wait!

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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mood: pensive

I was just in the shower tonite, and for some reason started to reflect on the Martha Stuart case. I realized that we have a lot in common! We both have images of like the perfectionist, sometimes anal, do-goody, kind, gentle, and just all around "good" person.

But, from my personal experiences, when you have that image, u can get away with a lot of stuff! Like i get away with so many things...I pulled the fire alarm at church when i was in middle school. The pastor asked everyone if they did it, and he didn't even ask me! I also cheated a lot on testes. I mean, who would expect little miss perfect (and asian) Mae to do n e thing bad?

So...i guess when you get away with a lot of things, it kinda gets to you. You start to think you're invinsible. I geuss thats what happened to Martha Stuart. Well... basically, after thinking about it, i'm going to reconsider myself and try to change. I shouldn't let other people's superficial image of me obscure my perception of right form wrong. I'm a lot better than that! It would be such a betrayal to other people's trust.

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