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I am
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
Johanna
Thursday. 8.21.08 3:56 am
"I feel you Johanna
I feel you
I was half convinced I'd wakened
Satisfied enough to dream you
Happily I was mistaken
Johanna..."

All my efforts to write her have been thwarted time and again. I figured that surely now that i have a job that allows me to get online and with time enough to spare, I'd get a chance to write her. However, with the new night auditor watching my every move and the housekeeping manager adding more things to my job, I've hardly had any time at all. It seems that God wishes for me not to. Maybe He knows that I'd end up confessing my love. I'm sure He knows best as to why He doesn't want me to contact her. He's probaly just keeping her safe and well out of harm's way or any distractions, for that matter. It's okay. I don't think anything could ever come of it anyway. Why would someone so great, kind, strong, and all together amazing ever want a twisted and emotionally crippled beast like me? As I said, I'm "satisfied enough to dream her". I think I do love her, as much as I can at this poin, at least. And I don't mind feelings this way forever about her without anything in return. I think she's the first I can say that about. I want nothing but the best for her in every aspect of her life. She deserves it.

Yet, I can't help but feel guilty every time I think of her.
There's someone else in my life. Someone who's done more for me than alot of other people in my life. Someone who I trust. Someone who loves me. Yet, I don't return the sentiment. Not the exact sentiment. I wish I did. How simple would that make things!? But I don't. So, I can't help but feel like I do nothing more than abuse her daily by simply being her friend. I'm certain she would do nearly anything for me to feel the way she feels about me. Even win a gold medal if she had to. But if there's anything I've learned from Micheal Phelps, it's that no matter how many gold medals you win, your dad still won't congratulate you and you'll still have girls responding "Ew! Gross! " after they find out about your crush on them. In the end, it doesn't matter how many gold medals you have or what you do or how your body looks, you still won't be "good enough" for someone. I still won't be "good enough" for someone.

So, I guess, that's why I don't care to win any gold medal or man-points or achieve success or make anyone proud.
WHAT'S THE POINT?!?!?!?!
If you're doing it for other people, you'll never make anyone else happy. And at the end of the day, what God wants to happen, it's what's going to happen.

So, don't try to take control of your own life, of your own destiny, or of other people, because you're going to lose.

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WHY
Wednesday. 8.20.08 3:36 am
WHY did I do it!? What is WRONG with me?!

Am i desiring human contact THAT much?
No. Not human contact.
Love.

My heart is crusting over. I can feel it.
"I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown.
I need a fix 'cause I'm going down.
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun.
Happiness is a warm gun
Happiness is a warm gun
When I hold you in my arms
And I feel my finger on your trigger
I know no one can do me no harm
Because happiness is a warm gun.
Yes it is."

Drug addictions are bad. Though, I feel that there are addictions in this world that are just as bad...
"I know no one can do me no harm"
But once you get down from that ride... you feel lower than you did before. You crave that feeling once more.
It feels as though you're never really whole without it again. And that feeling never really goes away...

I never really recovered, I guess. I wonder if anyone can ever really recover. Ever.

And this is why I'm burying myself in the center of the earth, where no one can get to me.
If I do my job right, no one will come to my funeral.

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