We had just finished screaming out our hearts. Who needs them anymore nowdays, anyways?
She was upset about school.
I can't say I blame her. I am, too.
But I don't know what to do about it.
But we had reached an agreement. We'd get together at the end of the week and confer again. I would spend my week talking with my professors and see if there was any way to salvage any of those classes.
I went to the bathroom and washed my face. I hate getting upset at my mom.
As I walked back to my room, I passed my mom's room.
"You know you're the only thing left in my life. Right?" she said.
I turned.
"...yeah. You know you can't be mine, right?" I responded. She nodded.


My dad is going to Arizona, it turns out. We've been talking a whole lot more. It seems like for the first time ever in me and my father's relationship, things are going well. He managed to get lucky and was offered a job in Tuscon. This is good news to him since he's been stressing out ever since he was laid off. So, he's busy fixing up his house so he can sell it.


I talked to my professors. I can save Drawing 1. That's it. I'll take it.
"Well, if you start coming to class, don't miss any more, do some GREAT art work, and a few other drawings outside of class then maybe you'll pass."
That's all I needed.
I actually never spoke with my Theater Tech professor. I know what he'll want of me. And I just can't give that to him. I have job and youth leading responsibilities. I can't forsake those. Even if the price is an 'F'.
The other two I just missed one class too many.
But I still want out. I've made up my mind over this. So, I'm going to see if by some miracle I can still get into UNT. And I've decided to stick to my guns over Anthropology. I need to quit pulling a Hamlet and make decisions. Whether right or wrong. Before the decisions continue to be made for me.


We went to Golden Coral. This is known as THE place that my mom and I go to. She really enjoys it there. This is the place that we usually go to to talk things over, after I'd get back from visiting my dad, or other such situations.
We sat there, quietly eating our meal. It was probably the most quiet we've ever been. We were both lost in other worlds. Alone.
Then she looked at me and said,
"You know, recently I've been wondering, what's the point? What am I fighting for? Why do I fight this disease?"
I didn't know what to say.
I had no answer for her.
We continued our meal in silence.


I knew I had to end it. I've been feeling so much pain over something that shouldn't bring me pain. I brought this on myself, I know, but that doesn't mean I should suffer forever because of it. So, I told her. I told her I didn't want to be her friend anymore. She got mad at me. She said she knew I'd get "weird" whenever she'd get a boyfriend. I told her that I was sorry. She forwarded me a text she had saved that I sent her. I had said that I would be her friend despite what I felt for her. I told her that I couldn't help it if my feelings kept growing. She started to argue some more, but I told her this wasn't about anything other than just letting her know what decision I had made. We said goodbye. And hung up. She'll never know how much I loved her. Never. I've always known.


I laid down on my bed. It was midnight. My headache quickly became a migraine. I think I also had a fever.
I tossed. Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
The heat that seemed to come from the depths of my skull dared not let me be.
I drifted into sleep for a second.
Someone had cut the back of my head open and began to pour some hot lava like liquid into the center of my head. I screamed in pain.
I woke up.
I tossed some more.
What time is it?
5:30am
I fell asleep. I woke up to my mom screaming at me for not having picked up my nephew and niece like I had said I would. I was ten minutes late. I asked her if she could pick them up for me. She screamed that she wasn't even ready for work, then slammed the door behind me. I heard her car pull out of the driveway.
And I felt the dreaded pain return to my head. I got up and went to the restroom. On the way back to my room I got some tylenol and slept until noon. I dreamt of Robyn.
I went to work. I wouldn't have gone if I wasn't the only tutor that comes on Wednesday, our busiest day. After I returned from work I went back to sleep.
I dreamt I was at home. I had said enough time had passed. I exited out the front door. I locked it behind me. My house looked like it was in shambles. Barely habitable. It was night too. I said goodbye and with a smile, left. I drove to the air port. I bought myself a one way ticket to England. ...or was it North Carolina? No. It was England.
I also dreamt that someone looked at me and said, "It's time, isn't it?" I looked back at him confused. "The answer to your riddle, it's "time", right?" I said that it was.
I woke up. My mom, as if she had felt my awake up, came in through my door a couple minutes after. I laid on my bed. My curtains shut. Hardly any light visible. She came up to my bed and asked me how I was feeling. I told her allright. She asked what hurt. I motioned to my throat. I could barely see her. I wish I had my glasses on. She asked me what I ate. I told her a hamburger.
"From where?" she asked.
"De 'que hamburgesa'." I responded. ('Whataburger' in spanish. It was a sad attempt at a joke.)
"...I'm going to need you." I heard her voice crack. I put on my glasses.
"They said they can't do anything for me anymore."
"The doctors said that today?" I asked her.
She nodded. Tears started flowing down. "They asked whether I wanted to go to clinics in Dallas or Houston, or even the Mayo clinic in Minesotta. They said that Dallas would be closest, but I don't want to start going there and lose my opportunity to go to Houston, where they do better more effective work with experimental medicines. ...So, do you want me to make you some tea? How about waffles?"
"Waffles sound good..."

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Even as I found the clip and watched it, I couldn't sit well. I kept advancing it.


"I really don't think this is one of those wounds that heals over time."

She didn't agree. Ever the optimistic trooper.
At least she fights for something. Compared to what I've been doing.
Running "faster than truth and life itself". Running away.

...But not anymore.

It wasn't as bad as I feared, you know.
I figured people would say or think, "He just couldn't cut it. It was too difficult for him." Instead I heard, "I thought you dropped the class because it was far too simple for you." I laughed and said I wasn't like that and that I'd never think like that.

I'm fighting again. Slowly. Very slowly. I'm scared, though, still.
I'm scared about everything.

And I'm trying to fix things. I'm being honest. I've started being open with those I've been close mouthed with. I've yet to speak to my racist brother. I know I won't be able to knock any sense to him, but I can at least let him know that the mere fact that he thinks like that causes me to detest the fact that I share anything with him, especially a mother who deserves better. But, I will. All in due time.


Things have been odd to say the least. The kids are still as bold as ever. Only they're starting to understand more of who I am and what I'm there for. It's a good thing. Sometimes shocking to those who thought I was there to be a friend, and same goes for those on the opposite side of the spectrum. But it's for their best in the end. And they know it...


So, I guess things are turning for the better. Mostly because I had enough and I'm starting to alter those things myself.


But, at the end of the day, ...that wound is still there.

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"It's like you took a few steps up... and then this panther came out of NOWHERE and knocked you back down." - Helena


I found a path for a sec. It was a one way ticket to "THE HELL OUT OF HERE". I hear it's a nice place. Preferably on the other side of the world. Apart from my strong desire that I've always had to go to Australia and other parts of the world, I also want to leave all of this behind.
"It's like I'm stuck," I told my mom.She didn't understand.
"Stuck HOW?" she asked me.
"It's as if I'm forced to do these things, be this person, follow this road that isn't me anymore, that I don't want to follow anymore."
Of course she was pretty upset.
I've been thinking about going back to UNT and making the best grades ever and then transfering... well,... AWAY. ANYWHERE.
I can't take things here anymore.
I hate the bipolar weather. I hate how nothing is pedestrian friendly here. I hate how everywhere I go I bump into someone I know/knew. I hate how I'm stuck in this horrible social web. I hate so many things.
I'm just not happy here.
And if people think I'm being rude for leaving my mom with cancer alone, all I have to ask is, Would it be better if I stuck around waiting JUST for her to pass away? Seems just as rude, doesn't it? And it's not fair to me. Or her.



I hadn't written in a long while. I haven't because I had. I wrote this LONG ASS entry that was deleted. I'm trying not to mention anything that I mentioned in that entry because it just seemed as if God doesn't want me to really share it. Don't know why. But that wasn't the first time I tried writting it out and sharing it. Each time it's gotten deleted, gone missing, or otherwise under strange circumstances. But, whatever. If it happens a few times then that means I really shouldn't do it.



But one thing I do just have to put down is this.
Last Sunday.
Well, I've started this thing, where if any of the youth want to share their testimonies (the story of their life and how God's played a part in it) they can.
One of my students approached me after two other youth had given their testimonies. And well, she's actually not a student. She's actually just a couple months younger. But she's been coming into the youth room instead of the service. I never knew why or asked why. But she asked me if she could share her testimony to me in private. I said sure. She warned me that it was really long and REALLY rough. I said sure.

I had no idea.

I ended up missing the english service completely. We had been driving around in my Jeep. She shared with me what she had shared with no one else. I was speechless. I couldn't believe she had just opened up that much to me. Why me? I couldn't give her any kind of response. It was crazy. Mostly because it wasn't over. Her old life is still trying to pull her back. But she knows she can't otherwise she will surely die. She knows it. I know it.
As I was sitting there trying to think of something to say, (all I managed to say was something about how no one should let fear paralyze them. How the devil enjoys throwing the mistakes you've done in your face and tells you how inadequate you are, how unworthy and stupid you are. How all of that was lies.) she told me something that threw me beyond off.
She looked at me in the eyes and said, "I knew I had to tell you this. I knew that speaking to a counselor again wouldn't help me any more than it has. And talking to the pastor won't help much either. I've already done that. This is why I come to the youth instead of the spanish service. I get more of it than I would if I was in the service." She gave me a hug.

Me?

Really?

What? How?





Then I helped out my racist pig of a bastard HALF brother this last thursday and friday. I would be fine helping him out and canceling youth stuff and all of that if he was a good guy. But the moment you go to the extreme of saying that 85% of all black people are horrible and have issues that are carried on in their genes because they were slaves... well... that just REALLY sets me off.
My dad later on told me that I needed to have patience. I asked him if he knew why I was upset. He said he didn't. I told him. He backed off.
Had my half brother not been related to my mother, I would have already punched him in the face. Nay. Taken a crowbar to his face. Repeatedly.
I don't excuse racism.
My mom kept telling me that I had to help him out because I was the only one who could/would help him. She said if I didn't, then she wouldn't know who I was. Not as a son, but as a christian.

I've been pissed since then.




Well, it's late.

Happy Easter.



...Forgiveness. Right? That's what it's about... *inhale*...*exhale*

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I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending?
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean ^(goodbye) end it all ^(goodbye)
Into the ocean ^(goodbye) end it all ^(goodbye)
Into the ocean ^(goodbye) end it all ^(goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean ^(goodbye) end it all ^(goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all ^(goodbye) x5
(I thought of just your face)
_{Into the ocean... end it all} x 4




-- Edit --
P.S. I'm going for a run.
It's midnight. It's dark. It's dreary. And it's rainy.
What better time?

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They're still happening.

They're great and all while I'm still unconscious, but once I wake up and for the remainder of the day. They haunt me.

And I don't know why.

The previous night I punched a friend in the face.
It was an accident. I felt bad the rest of day. Despite it being a dream and all.
Then yesterday evening I wanted punch my racist pig of a brother in the face.
This time it wasn't a dream. I decided not to.

But last night I dreamt something different.
This time I was a an adventurer. And a camera man for a movie we were filming.
At the end of my dream I was laying on a bed in between my "younger brother" and some girl that liked me, which I felt the same way about her. She was very attractive. She had long straight brown hair, a smile that warmed my black and white dream, and she seemed intelligent. Very intelligent. My "younger brother" was talking about Kay, "our" older brother. I told him that I didn't know why he did so much for him when he was such a douche. He looked shocked at me. I told him, "Well, Kay is our older brother after all, I guess."
Then she looked over at me and rubbed my stomach.
"So, when are you going to put on a little weight?" she asked.
I looked at her shocked and confused, "Me?!"
I mean I know I'm not fat, but I already have a few extra pounds. So why in the world was she asking me to add even MORE weight?
"Well, I hear you're fast," she said with a smile as she played with my hair, then my ear, "Faster than even truth, or life itself!"

I woke up.
Huh?

What does that even mean?


So, I'm at work right now. Waiting for two girls to finish up. So I can go. Go and do... I don't know. Whatever.

I applied at Jason's Deli today.
As a delivery driver.
I have an interview tomorrow.

yeay.

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