I went to go see the Nightmare Before Christmas 3D at noon today.
It was totally worth 8 bucks.
So WHAT if I went alone?

Then I went to work. Got back. My mom asked me how my doctor's appointment was. Then I wigged out a bit. I forgot. I completely forgot. I knew I was forgetting something... but HOW could I forget? I had been thinking about it. I knew I couldn't forget. Otherwise I'd have to wait ANOTHER month. And I talked about it just a few hours before that with my mom. But I forgot still. I forgot. Again. HOW? I didn't want to deal with it. I was too upset. How could I forget? It would be ok if it was something that happened ONCE in a while. But I forget EVERYTHING. ALL the time. So I ran to my room and went straight to sleep.
Then I had a nightmare. Worst part was I woke up and realized that it was real. My nightmare was basically what life is already like for me, except it didn't include the few good things I DO have. It was a wretched wretched dream...

Turns out my mom's tumor grew a little bit. What am I to do? What does this mean? Is this year going to turn into something longer? Something... unexpected?

When does the nightmare end?

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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When you go through as much crap as I go through to do the right thing only to be reprimanded and hated for it, you begin to wonder what it is that you're supposed to do.

So far, from what I can tell, you're supposed to be bad. You're supposed to do bad. Intentionally. If you do this you will be rewarded. Now, I know that God preaches about rewards in heaven, but man, it still makes it no easier to do the right thing. And to be alone in doing the right thing.

I don't know about y'all, but frankly I'm getting fed up with people, more than I already have been. This would probably create even more problems by making me more "anti-social". But what can I do? I can't be around the vast majority of people because I get too harsh. And those that manage to stomach my harshness only make me feel even more of a prick than I do feel. I've become more and more quiet through the years. It's what happens when you realize that if you were open about your thoughts that most people would despise you even more.

I didn't choose for this. I don't think I'm better than anyone. I don't think I'm the only person living "correctly". Heck, I don't even think I'm living "correctly" AT ALL. All I'm saying is that out of most people that I know, I'm the one that tries to make the right decisions EVERY time. Meanwhile they choose whatever is more convenient for them. Yet, they reap rewards while I reap solitude and death.
It just doesn't seem right, you know? Let's face it, salvation is only as guaranteed as you want it/make it be. So, what if you go through life trying to do right, suffer for it, and in the end still reap no rewards?
One of my own qualms that I've always had about christianity and salvation, heaven and hell, and all that comes with it, is that someone gets to go hell for... I don't know... I know it's just. I know it's how it should be. I know that if you're trully apart from God in life then how can you expect to be with him after death. I know this. I have a friend who believes that hell is not exactly a lake of fire. It's not some horrible dreary place where demons and hell spawn torture you forever. She believes that it's simply a place without God and that knowing that He is trully somewhere but not with us, would be enough to torture us for eternity. But despite ALL of this, I stop and wonder about life. It is such a maze. Such a scary dark crazy maze. Even more so, now, it seems. So many distractions. So many things for you to worry about, so much pleasure, so much pain, so much laughter, so much EVERYTHING. How can anyone make sense of it?! How does ANYONE find the right side up? Or whether you're inside-out or even EXIST? Those that DO find the way... it's not even an easy way. I don't even believe it's a clear way. How often do people stop and wonder which road to go down? Both seem just as good. So what does one do? Is there a right and wrong to EVERYTHING? It's like driving 60 mph down a windy road in thick fog. How does one NOT wreck?

I just don't know anymore.

All I know is how I feel, and I've come to know that if anything, that's the most meaningless thing. You can't change anything. And if you try, you'll only do more damage. That's all I've learned. That's all I've seen. It seems no matter WHAT you do, if you do right, you WILL fail.

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Now here we are
We're licking skin to wipe us clean
Strike a match, pour gasoline
Ditch the scene and watch this city burn.



We drive
to leave the past and clear the mind
to watch the sunset set it's time



I'll be reaching for the stars with you, honey
who cares if no one else believes
So I, set fire to everyone around
But I told you
I told you
I told you we'd do it

So ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha
yeah, we walk



So, after much thought and consideration I've come to no conclusion. That's right. No conclusion. I have no earthly idea yet. Maybe my problem is the fact that I DO want a conclusion. It's like after the previews at the movie theatre, I get up and say, "That was GREAT! ...allright, let's go." But can you blame me? If what I've gone through is just the previews or intermission... then what the hell is coming?!
I don't know, all I know is that I have come up with very little info, but it may just be enough to get by on. At least for now. Like for examp:
1. I really do want to be an anthropologist.
What I'll do with that major will be decided at a later date.
2. If I stay here in Fort Worth or possibly even Denton,
then I am dooming myself to remain stuck in this horribly
twisted social web of love and hate. I swear Shakespeare
really couldn't have written stuff better... let's just hope
that this is some sort of twisted comedy and not a tragedy...
3. I CAN NOT stay at home with my mom any longer than intended.
4. I really DON'T have a social or love life...
5. I need not worry about the youth as much as I have. I know
that what's been happening with them has nothing to do with
me being the youth leader.

Those are a few of the things that have come across my mind. There's nothing like skipping class to hang out at some remote park by a lake. It'll really free up your mind.
The part about not escaping this horrible web was proven earlier when my friend, Mandy, that I've known for years (and had a huge crush on for the first two years of our friendship) and I went to her brother's (Chris's) ex-boyfriend's (Casey's) apartment who is living with his new boyfriend AND the twin brother of his exboyfriend (also Mandy's brother, of course). One last thing, (if you've read my previous entries then you'll understand how jacked up this next part is) the twin brother is Junior. So while we were there he invited Robyn over. I didn't acknowledge Robyn and she didn't acknowledge me. Of course since the last time she ever said anything to me was via a myspace message with various pointless cusswords and insults, in response to my message inquiring about how she had stated that she wasn't about to start dating any time soon, but went ahead and dated Junior. Speaking of Junior. He got back together with his girlfriend and "ditched" Robyn. I get the strong inclination that Robyn and Junior are still screwing. Sad thing is that I know Junior's girlfriend deserves far better...
Thus is life, huh?



So, yeah, I'm definetely ditching this scene to watch the city burn.

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Don't watch Evita and think songs won't get stuck in your head.
Nevertheless, certain lines do stick out to me...

"There is no one, no one at all
Never has been and never will be a lover
Male or female
Who hasn't an eye on
In fact they rely on
Tricks they can try on
Their partner
They're hoping their lover will help them or keep them
Support them, promote them
Don't blame them
You're the same"


I love that song. In either case, today has been a day of sorts. I started off quite down in the dumps about usual stupid stuff. So, I took a class off and went to an unvisited park (at least during the day) that's by a lake and studied for the following class. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Soon after, I went to the class, Anthropology, which I love! Who knows? I may become an anthropologist after my long search for a major...

Afterwards I went to work. Usually there are only a couple students who need tutoring, but for some odd phenomenon there were at least 17 or so. So, I spent my time tutoring from one high school student to another. It's so odd to be helping out high schoolers. It's not like I'm that much older than them. And then for them to call me "sir"? It's really odd... One of my youth's friend has also started calling me "sir"... I JUST turned twenty.

So that was all well, but then I got home and after a lonely day, I figured I may as well call a friend. So I called someone. She's the closest friend I have right now. Problem is that she really likes me. More than likes me. I don't know why or how, but she does. Not only does she like me but thinks I'm this great wonderful guy and even thinks I'm "hot" and "sexy". I have been called a million things in my life, but never those words. Nor did I ever expect to hear someone call me that. I know what I am and it's not that... So, I started talking to her and she started to get me upset. So I began to get snappy. Which only made me more mad because she was ok with me being snappy. I swear, I could probably treat this girl like crap and she would still swear I was some demi-god. Of course all of that last sentence in a exageration, but I certainly feel like that. So after being too irrate I told her I had to let her go, which she started to apologize for the conversation we were having and so on. So, I snapped again and cut her off and told her that I meant now. I really didn't want to snap more at this girl and I knew that I would. She said "ok" in the most sad and apologetic way ever. It only made me more disgusted. Disgusted at me, disgusted at her, disgusted at the situation. I told her a thousand times that we shouldn't be friends. She wouldn't have it. She's stubborn. So, now I feel like crap for all those reasons and more.
And I thought about how dumb it was that I was having a good day until I called her. Then I thought about how selfish of a thought that was.


Also, since I have no one else to talk to about this stuff, or any stuff for that matter, I will spill some thoughts here.

The reason my subject line caught my attention in Evita, is because I've been thinking about how horribly true that is. I mean, have you ever trully realized that the ONLY way to have a "good life" here in the United States, or any other country in the world for that matter, is at the expense of others? It's a very complex world, but in the end, I've come to realize that we can't have "nice things" without the death and destruction of others. Like all those sweat shops around the world making our nice shoes and clothes. Like how the vast majority of the money made in the world comes from narcotics and guns. The guns that allow genocides that constantly happen in Africa and other places in the world. But the buck flows around. Have you ever seen the movie Lord of War? That movie really opened my eyes to alot more. And no matter what anyone says, I will never believe that the government does nothing bad. Even more so, that they hide all the bad they do. Absolutely everything in history proves that the government manipulates the people and destroys other people in other countries for the betterment of it's own people, meanwhile hidding all evidence of it. Like the war in Iraq. I don't care what you think, it's a stupid war. It's a war specifically for oil. That's how it started anyways. Alot of people have even tried to argue with me about how "we're freeing people from an evil government!" Please... I don't think our government is so altruistic that it would go all the way around the world and from some divine sign choose Iraq out of the hundreds of messed up countries to "fix". Not to mention, we've seen what this "fixing" has gotten us. If anything. We've stirred up an already volatile situation. But hey... look at it this way: Gas is now $1.99 in some gas stations around here.
I could go into quite a few examples of how evil deeds have gotten us what we want or what some of us think we "need", but it is 1:33 in the morning over here and I need to get sleep.
But my basic point is that it really mistyfies me how we can live in this world with the things we have and call ourselves blames. Say that we have nothing to do with anything else that goes on in the world. We all have blood on our hands, I think. So why is that we automatically want to point our finger at others who do wrong?

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She's right I guess. My friend, Kristina, that is.

"You go through something like that and it changes you."

I'm never going to shake it. My past. What still lurks in the depths of me. Knowing that something that horrible and frightening can be inside me is... well, horrible and frightening. Most times it just seems like a series of bad dreams, you know? There's no way that it could all be true. But it is. Monica would say something along the lines that there isn't any separate entities. It's all the same person. So, what does that mean? Who does that make me? Who have I become? Who have my friends become? Is there no return? Are we all trully this lost? All we can do is but to keep going? Somehow, that doesn't seem fair. But life isn't fair, I guess. So what does all this mean? I wish I could cast this evil to the pits of hell, where it belongs. The bible speaks of how this is my sinful nature. I guess, no matter how faithful you try to be, the possibility to slip is still there. Part of being in this world I guess.

I have alot in my heart. Too much. I can't write it down. It's like squeezing out a brick out of ketchup bottle. This is solid. It's had no place to go for such a long time, thus solidifying.
Maybe someday, it'll work itself out? ha... What'll probably happen is someone or something will come along and tear open that ketchup bottle and remove this brick. If not, the ketchup bottle will just become part of the brick with time.


However cheesy this may be, these lines from Angel the TV show, got to me today.
Fred (In reference to Angel): What do you think he'll do?
Gunn: What he has to. Like he always does.
Fred: Will it make a difference? If we really are just pieces being moved around a board?
Gunn: Then we'll kick it over and start a new game. Look, [Skip] can yap all he wants about [his master's] cosmic plan, but here's a little somethin' I picked up [fighting evil] these past couple of years - the final score can't be rigged. I don't care how many players you grease. That last shot always comes up a question mark. But here's the thing - you never know when you're taking it. It could be when you're duking it out with the Legion of Doom or just crossing the street deciding where to have brunch. So you just treat it all like it was up to you, the world in the balance, 'cause you never know when it is.

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