To all you smart cookies here at nutang, give me your opinion.

Before I go into this I must also inform you that I don't believe in coincidences. Especially incredibly improbable coincidences.

So, on this scholastic journey called "college" I've gone through a bit. I started going to this one school, UNT, that's less than an hour away from home in order to stay close to my mom (who has cancer), my girlfriend (we had been together for almost three years back then), and for my church (they're like my family). Since then, my mom still has cancer and it might be getting worse, my girlfriend dumped me, and I became a youth leader at the church. So this last year I decided to come back home and go to a community college, for JUST one year. Maybe in some way, re-direct myself.
Now, here I am, nearly mid-year and I can't figure out what to do the following year. You see, this is technically my third year in college. Although, because of everything that's been going on in my life, my grades made me out to be a sophmore still. The confusion comes in here: do I stay? go back to UNT? or otherwise?
I'd love to stay and make sure my mom's allright, but according to the doctors, this isn't something that will ever get better. Also, it's just me and my mom, so if I left she'd be pretty much alone. We have a couple cousins and my brother (who overworks himself at KFC to take care of HIS family), but they all can't just take care of my mom and drop everything in their lives. I'd also love to stay for my youth, who are all like my little brothers and sisters, and make sure that they get well grounded in their spiritual walk. Or at least have another youth leader that would do that. So far, it's just me that's really taking care of them, no one else.
Now, if I go back to UNT, I'm not going to lie, I wouldn't be too happy. I really didn't exactly like this school since day one. I settled for it. However, the plus side would be that I already know how it's run and I'd have no problem getting around.
But this is where things get interesting... For this past year now I've been getting coincidences with this specific school. It started off with some random searching for a new wallpaper on my computer. Next thing you know I find this BEAUTIFUL university campus. So, I decided to research it a bit. After a bit of looking around I realize that this school concentrates on the EXACT things I love. It has EXACTLY what I've been looking for. And I fell in love with it. If anyone knows me, this is a shocker. I've never really cared for schools. School pride is and has always been a ridiculous concept to me. So for me to fall in love with this school was strange to me. However, it's in North Carolina and it's private. So, I kinda just put in the back of my head and let it go. But since then I've bumped into it in the most RANDOM of places. Like random professors talking about this school. Seeing a parking sticker of the school on a vehicle that I happened to stop behind at a red light. I mean, this isn't a big school. It's not known through out everywhere, and much less here in Texas, since everyone is all about Texas schools. And these "coincidences" just keep happening over and over. To make things a little more strange, my dad may be transferring from Minnesota to North Carolina, in a town near by. I think these are just a few too many coincidences.

So what do I do? What does this mean? What would YOU do?

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I'm getting there. Slowly but indefinitely.

I think I've reached the meat. Won't be long till we get to the bone then the marrow. Everything is tied together. I know it is. It's this horrible and huge complex puzzle that's missing pieces. No. It's Christmas lights thrown into a large box that are so tangled, one can barely make the beginning of one and the end of another. But I'm making it work. With help from friends and just keeping my eyes & ears open.

I've been rather busy. Mostly youth leader stuff. Volunteered Saturday at Soul Harvest at a rec center in a poor community. I've never heard so many 5 to 10 year olds call each other 'nigger' before. It was horrible. But ultimately it was fun and I believe a good thing for the youth. We did face painting. And how! At first there weren't too many, but at the end of the day we must have done over a hundred painted, stamped, and 'tatooed' kids! That night I also went to a halloween party in Denton. It could of been better. A whole. Lot. Better. But hey, still love those friends. But something seemed off all through it. Don't know what...
Sunday there was church in the morning and at night there was "dress-up" party at one of the church member's house. On Monday night we went to Hell House, which is a Christian run "haunted house" with real life situations. It was allright. It's been better in past years. But I'm certain a few people benefitted from it, so it was totally worth the insanity. We had picked up kids from the north side, the west side, and everywhere in between. Then we drove all the way out to south of Dallas. We did everything within about four and a half hours. Normally it takes an hour to get to where the Hell House is at. And picking up the kids takes a good while too. So, how I managed to get all those kids back before midnight is beyond me. Thank God for true friends who help out, though.
Halloween SUCKED though. This is how it was supposed to go: Go to the zoo in the morning with a close friend from Denton. Go to work. Pick up youth. Go volunteer again. Go trick or treating near our church. Go home. This is how things actually went down: Went to zoo at noon with friend. Rushed through. Picked up sister-in-law and her kids from school. Called in to work. Went downtown to meet the person who was supposed have given me info sheets about our church to hand out that night. Didn't get them, because her phone died when she got downtown. Went to go pick up kids. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. Call kids. Most couldn't go because they were either in trouble, parents just didn't let them, or made plans last minute and ditched. By the time I picked up the very few that could go, it was too late to volunteer and those kids didn't want to go trick or treating anyway. So I just dropped them off at their friend's or family's houses where they had needed to go after volunteering anyway. Went to a burger joint. Ate. Took their candy. (key word: took). Went home. Watched a movie.
It sucked.

All through this I got a million phone calls and texts from Junior wanting me to get in touch with Elizabeth. Elizabeth went to jail for forgetting to pay a traffic ticket.

Now things are settling down, and I'm figureing things out, I think. I'm finding absolutely NO solution to my problem, but the more I know about it, the more likely it'll be that I will find the solution.

Again, wish me luck. And may you be blessed.

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The 21st. comes so soon every month
An anniversary of not being strong enough
You're much too co-dependent
A shrink is recommended

Your father tells you to try to be responsable
Your mother loves you, but not the way she did before
Your brother's torn to pieces
But no one knows the reasons

He loves the winter, but it smells too much like memories
The ornament she gave him still hangs from his Christmas tree
A jingle bell will glisten
That's when she loved to kiss him

So say farewell to all the little things she would say and do
The morning, sleepy eyed girl waves goodbye to you
You're much to co-dependent
A shrink is recommended
Yeah...

But yeah, who are the people you hang around with?
Who are the ones you're gonna call?
When you feel like ending it all?
But yeah, who are the people you hang around with?
Who are the ones you're gonna call?
When you feel like ending it all?

But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down

But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down

by Blue October


I know how they all feel. How in the world did this happen? Well, I know how, but still.

So new situation: Elizabeth decided not to talk to him anymore. She doesn't want to be with him anymore. He's in love with her. Meanwhile here I've been caught in between all of this. Junior text messaged me today. The result of those texts was this: me and him are on better terms, but solely because he's so emotional about Elizabeth. After him showing up at my house randomly while talking to Elizabeth on the phone trying to give her strength not to talk to him, since she doesn't want to toy with his emotions, he convinced me to take a letter that he had been trying to give her all day to her. He told me to read it before I gave it to her. I knew I carried a jewel as I drove to the other side of Fort Worth with Junior in my backseat (much to my dissaproval) covered by a blanket to hand Elizabeth such a treasure. There was nothing but love strewn across that letter. I know he did wrong. I have known. Never will appreciate that. But I've never stopped caring for Junior. He's been like my brother and always will be. And here I was. And nothing could console him. I know how he feels. Exactly how he feels. I've been exactly where he's at. I'm worried for him. Elizabeth read the note. She's very confused on what to do. We prayed together for guidance.

I know just how they all feel. And there's nothing I can do about any of them.

I pray to God that all this goes as best as possible.

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Sometimes I really hate being right.

Yesterday morning to assure myself that Robyn hadn't died or something, I called her. She was fine. I asked if I could come over. However retarded this may sound, I wanted to take her nyquil away. It's not like she could go buy more, but she still relatively broke. She said it was fine. I went over. Took her nyquil. And she told me why she was upset. Of course it was because of Junior. I've been quite uspet at him recently, as well. I tried to talk to him this last weekend. Patch things up, you know? I still care about the guy. But when we made plans to go hang out, he ditched last minute. When I called to tell him I was ready to go someplace, he didn't answer the phone. I left a voicemail. He never called back. He always calls back. So I knew what that meant and made no more efforts with him. Meanwhile I have been trying to get a hold of Elizabeth and her of me. We kept missing each other's calls or texts, until last night.
This is where things get messy...
Alot of people wouldn't agree with what I did. One of those people is my mom. She didn't approve at all of all of this. But I couldn't stay silent. Especially about this. I'm starting to be friends with Elizabeth, a good girl, a godly girl. Junior has been showing little concern for our friendship and any other relationship. Actually, he's always done that. And if there's any ONE thing that I do not tolerate, it's infidelity. If you can lie and cheat on your closest loved one for something as selfish and lustfull as that, then what wouldn't you do to me? I don't trust people who cheat. Bottom line. According to Robyn, Junior never told her that Elizabeth and him got back together. They slept in the same bed practically every night. One of those nights something did happen between them. And according to Elizabeth, Junior told her that she only spent the night once and that she slept on the couch. So, I exposed Elizabeth to the truth. All of it. She was a bit upset. I hated it. But I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I feel conflicted about it still. I feel as if I shouldn't have but as if I should have at the same time. I really can't stand people that do what Junior did. But he has been my friend through alot.
But what's done is done, now, I guess. I just wish all of this didn't have to happen. And if y'all want to tell me how stupid I am, by all means do. Some feedback would be loved much.

Thanks y'all.

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Man, I'm tired. So though, this one would have been a relatively long entry, I'm too tired to barely concetrate to write it all out.

First and foremost: MAN! I've had the most fun today I've had in a very long time. I hung out with Mandy and Mary and her daughter Katie. She's absoluetly ADORABLE! The daughter that is... I hadn't seen her in over a year. From crawling to talking. Man! Time flies! But hanging out with Mandy and Mary was practically perfection. Not really, cause there's no such thing on earth, but it really was downright fun. We didn't do much but go to Chili's, but hanging out like we did back in the ol' days, I mean OLD ol' days, was the best. That's one thing that I LOVE about Mandy, Mary, and me, no matter how much time has passed or how much has changed in our lives, when you get us together it's like no time has gone by at all. So, that was great.

A bit worried, though. I'm starting to become friends with Elizabeth, Junior's girlfriend. He might think that there's more, knowing him. Why WOULDN'T a guy who's cheated on all his girlfriends think that there's more than friendship going on? But oh well. Me and Elizabeth agree on that. Oh well. The other worrysome part is that Robyn called (if you've kept up with that ridiculous drama any). But she didn't just call for any random reason. She left me a voicemail where she was crying and saying that she just had no one else to talk to. I called her back when I got home and she had just taken nytquil. She tends to do that. Drug herself to oblivion when she's depressed. I'm so worried for that girl. She may have done a thousand stupid things and cussed me out hundreds of times, but I know she will always come back when she has no where else to turn to and I'll always care and worry about her.

Also, today really put some other things in perspective relating to spiritual issues. The first would be 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. Hadn't really been doing that. Secondly, Matt. 7:7. And lastly, is that I have no idea what God has planned for me, but I must be open to whatever it is. If He wants me to go to North Carolina He WILL get me there. If He wants me to stay here and do... whatever, He will make it known to me. I just gotta listen.


So let's pray all goes well with everything.
Y'all take care!

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