People were disappearing.
Bodies were being found without their insides.
There was a huge barn/party hall behind my(?) house.
They wanted everyone to go there to kill them. People were there that were bad, but they looked like good people in my life. Most of them from church.
Next thing you know I'm in the room where they're bringing all these people back to life. However, it's far more than that. The witchcraft had been done and skulls were lined up along all three walls of a relatively small room. Me and my partner, a taller, more attractive, white guy with brown hair, were there to stop it from happening. But as we began smashing the skulls they began to come to life. It was disturbing. They began talking. Spines began to grow from the base of the skulls. All at their individual spaces. When they'd have arms they'd reach around and drink some greenish-blue potion to help them go faster. Their bones would grow this reddish color as organs and other such parts grew out of thin air, until they become full evil human beings. We fought them as they came. Hundreds of them in a room that was so small. I had a knife. I had to plunge it into people often. Near the end, they were no longer skulls or bones, it was just people, zombie people or whatever. I still had to stop them. After gutting some guy with a mustache. I realized there were 5 girls left. Through out this whole time they had been making jokes. Funny jokes. They seemed playful enough. Heck, I was kinda taken by them. And just as I was about to plunge my knife into the side of one of those girls, my partner came up behind me. I stopped and asked if I could talk to him outside. When we stepped outside of the room, which turned out to be an hotel room(?), I hugged him. He was extremely awkward. I said I couldn't do it. I couldn't do these last 5 girls. He smiled and said it was ok. He said he had this other potion, just in case, to turn them into normal human beings so they wouldn't harm anyone. So we went back in, and there were all these people there. Like my mom, dressed all nice, my dad, the guy in charge of the orphanage in Piedras Negras, I began to get nervous/anxious/upset, like I usually do when there's alot of people.
Then there were these two dogs out on the city streets. One was this big bumbling white dog with lots of fluffy hair. He had a stick that he had forgotten belonged to his master. His friend dog reminded him of who it belonged to and ran off with it to return it. Then there was a flood and I was myself again and not that dog. And I was looking for that dog. But the streets had become rivers, literally. That dog is lost, I kept saying. Whoever was with me kept telling me "HE'S DEAD! ISN'T HE!?" I would reply, "No, I didn't say that. He's just lost."

But then again, the night before last night I dreamt I was playing some quarter worth game in the lobby of an hotel late into the night/morning. Santa then offered me a ride home. He said, "but if you're gonna come, you better do it now. None of this lolly-gagging." He was quite grumbly. I followed him to the parking lot with my back-pack. He walked towards the big white van in the empty parking lot. I thought it was funny...


I wish I did drugs to have an excuse for such dreams.

Comment! (4) | Recommend!

I saw Walk the Line with Moe earlier. Well, Moe and my mom. I never get to see movies with my mom. I think it's sad I see movies more often with Moe who only comes here once in a while, compared to my mom who's ALWAYS here. But eh, I don't feel too bad. I'm here, aren't I? Spending time. It's weird sitting in between them though. They have such opposing views. It's amusing. Neither are wrong. Just opposing.

Sorry. Tangent.

As I watched it again it made me either mad. Or sad. I don't know. Maybe mad because I'm still pissed at my brother, but it should be sad, I guess. I don't know what happened. I think it really may have happened. I always said it. I knew it with certainty, but now here I am, shocked that it just may be true.Maybe all chance of love really was wasted once I buried her. I've thrown my life away haven't I? I've thrown my love away. I no longer want some skank at my side. I do, but I don't. I still want companionship and all the happidily goo-ga that goes along with it. I even fancy the idea that someone may come into my life and we'll get married and have kids and leave all my past as some horrible nightmare that has come and gone. But I know that's not it. That's not real. That's not life. I'm screwed. Been screwed. Maybe things could have gone a different turn. Maybe had I not done somethings, had she not done somethings, had things come out differently, but you know what? It's too late. Too damn late. What's done is done, and as I've said before, "If "if"s and "but"s were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry christmas." Never the less, what does that mean for now? I was placed in the wrong role and I knew it. I remember wondering what the hell was happening during all of highschool. It was as if they cast a leading role to an amateur... Oh wait, they did. Maybe Lord Capulet isn't Romeo, but it's still a pretty sized role. One of the reasons why I took so much to the Dragonlance books. Heroes who weren't supposed to be, and didn't mean to be. And now I'm coming down off all of that ride and realizing all the dreams I had were pointless. I buried them with her. I buried all of it. I'm not even sad and that's what frustrates me. I'm settling. Nay, I want to settle. I don't want big roles, anymore. Heck, I realized the other day via dream, even if she were to come back into my life I'd say no. Nothing can be honky dory anymore. I'm not depressed, I'm just not wanting some roller-coaster ride anymore. I'm too old for it.
Although, that frustrates me too. I wish I was young. I wish I had zest and soul and passion. It's gone from me. I'm a dry human being. Heck, a dry human existing. I try, I trully do. I just don't have that youth anymore. And I envy others for it. I'm too old and too young.
Again, gone...

Why do her words ring in my head?
"I tried it. I tried to do the "right thing". But I couldn't stay away from him. I kept thinking about him. I just couldn't imagine my life without him. I love him, you know? And he finally realized what he had after all of this. So I've decided to give it another try despite what everyone else may say. I've always believed everyone deserves a second shot, no matter WHAT they've done wrong, you know? And he screwed up really big, but I really do think he's realized how much he loves me now."
I don't remember the rest. I had begun to cry. I thought it was stupid. I tried real hard to stop. When she stopped talking I finally mustered the strength to stop. She never knew I cried. Why was I crying. I knew the answer. I know the answer. I know I ignored it. Still doing it. Maybe this is why I have dozens of memories lost. I've placed a darkness over half of my brain. A darkness that keeps me sane. Unfortunately it also shadows a few dozen other things. Maybe. FYI, the illustrious Elizabeth said this. You know, the one that was with Junior. Yeah. Whatever, life sucks...

Comment! (3) | Recommend!

You already know...

Pep talks with Moe rawk.
Feeling like this year's biggest idiot is beyond welcomed to me. Anyone can encourage, my friends. It takes a friend of true character and value to say things like they are, no games or pats on the back or nothin'! I often need people to point out the things I think I see to know that they're real. In specific faults and problems.
I've always had this constant fear that I'm crazy or mentally retarded or something. Once as a child, I convinced myself that there was this big conspiracy and that's why people often treated me so nicely. I didn't think I should of been treated worse or anything. I guess I just thought people were too fake, and figured it was because it had to do with me. Even when I was around 15 or so, I remembered that I used to go to a counselor at school in Wisconsin and I decided to ask my mom about it. She said it was because they wanted to make sure I got aclimated to such a drastic change (from being born in Mexico, to living in a borded town of Texas, to less-than-a-thousand-people Green Lake Wisconsin). But I still thought I was insane and that everyone pretended I wasn't so I wouldn't get upset or go crazier or something... I was an odd child, huh?
So, nevertheless, to this day I often feel the need for someone to point out what it is that I see, so I make sure I'm not nuts. Moe does that perfectly. Heck, she goes beyond that. My favorite moment was when she was speaking entirely too loudly in Walmart about some incidents that happened. Heck, I'll say it. Sex that I had with someone that I shouldn't have had. It was a ridiculously stupid thing. Heck stupid is WAY of an understatement. Well, as she spoke of all of this, quite upset at me, in loud tones, I kept getting nervous and embarassed. Later we went to a gas station, I asked her not to do it again. She said she wouldn't, but "Here's a thought, if you can't speak of it in public, it's probably an indecent deed you did." And then it hit me. ...duh. If you can't talk about it in public, you shouldn't do it. Something I already knew, but forgot.

There's a hole in my head, I know it! Everything I know, everything I've learned, my memories, my LIFE... leak out.
Drip,
drip,
drip...

Comment! (3) | Recommend!

nightinthesky (2:28:06 AM): How am I crazy?
nightinthesky (2:28:11 AM): Other than the usual obvious
NeverDesdemona(2:28:15 AM): I like how you tell other people things before you tell me.
nightinthesky (2:28:33 AM): Because I knew I would have to explain everything to you.
nightinthesky (2:28:40 AM): I didn't explain anything to Meghan
nightinthesky (2:29:12 AM): All I said is that "I realized that I'm in an abusive relationship with Robyn."
NeverDesdemona (2:29:43 AM): oh. so you were feeling LAZY.
NeverDesdemona (2:29:48 AM): I understand. Great logic.
nightinthesky (2:29:53 AM): no
nightinthesky (2:29:59 AM): I COULDN'T explain
nightinthesky (2:30:02 AM): I didn't have time.
nightinthesky (2:30:04 AM): I'm telling you
NeverDesdemona (2:30:07 AM): I'm being dreadly sarcastic, not literal, you oaf.
nightinthesky (2:30:09 AM): it was the night before my family came in
NeverDesdemona (2:30:24 AM): I'm still perturbed. But I'm not being literal.
nightinthesky (2:30:39 AM): I didn't have time.
NeverDesdemona (2:30:55 AM): mhm.
NeverDesdemona (2:31:20 AM): Complete strangers seem to have more time for me nowadays. Hopefully it won't become an everyday thing.
nightinthesky (2:33:06 AM): Look, I'm sorry. But if I didn't care I wouldn't even be up now.
nightinthesky (2:33:28 AM): I have to wake up in a few hours. I'm not like you. I need large amounts of sleep.
nightinthesky (2:33:44 AM): But I try my hardest to cut time out
nightinthesky (2:33:46 AM): you know I do
nightinthesky (2:33:49 AM): you should know I do
NeverDesdemona (2:33:53 AM): How courteous of you. Don't lose any hours on my account.
nightinthesky (2:34:04 AM): Don't get sassy.
NeverDesdemona (2:34:16 AM): Too late. And very cute of you try and tell ME what to do.
nightinthesky (2:34:43 AM): Look, I'm just sayin, I'm making an effort.
NeverDesdemona (2:34:58 AM): Mhm.
nightinthesky (2:35:37 AM): How come I understood you when you were busy in New Orleans, but you can NEVER understand ME when you're here?
NeverDesdemona (2:36:26 AM): Because I'm here. And even when I'm away I still make efforts to let you know what going on with me. I don't drag things out and I say them because I am compelled to, not out of obligation.
NeverDesdemona (2:36:44 AM): And I didn't just read your nutang while I was there, before you messaged me on myspace I was reading it in fact.
NeverDesdemona (2:36:48 AM): I make DAILY
NeverDesdemona (2:36:50 AM): EFFORTS
NeverDesdemona (2:37:00 AM): because I know in less than a year
NeverDesdemona (2:37:06 AM): things are going to change all the more
NeverDesdemona (2:37:09 AM): dramatically.
nightinthesky (2:37:10 AM): You didn't drag anything out of me. I'm not compelled to out of obligation either.
NeverDesdemona (2:37:11 AM): so to speak.
nightinthesky (2:37:19 AM): and I know that
nightinthesky (2:37:24 AM): you think I don't know that?
NeverDesdemona (2:37:33 AM): I said COMPELLED. Being positive. Obligations being negative.
nightinthesky (2:37:33 AM): I've known that for years not
NeverDesdemona (2:37:36 AM): Don't mix the two of them up.
nightinthesky (2:37:41 AM): now*
NeverDesdemona (2:37:45 AM): You sure don't act like it.
nightinthesky (2:37:49 AM): lol
nightinthesky (2:37:51 AM): I do
nightinthesky (2:38:01 AM): that's why I distance myself just a little
nightinthesky (2:38:10 AM): I've had enough people leave my life
NeverDesdemona (2:38:25 AM): that's a cop out.
nightinthesky (2:38:25 AM): I know how to cushion the blow
NeverDesdemona (2:38:28 AM): And it doesn't work.
nightinthesky (2:38:32 AM): it does
nightinthesky (2:38:38 AM): for me
NeverDesdemona (2:38:47 AM): At whose expense.
NeverDesdemona (2:38:55 AM): Selfish prig.
NeverDesdemona (2:39:02 AM): not pig.
NeverDesdemona (2:39:04 AM): PRIG.
nightinthesky (2:39:36 AM): Maybe, but the last few times I haven't been, I've thought of ending my life at the end of it. So, it may just well be worth it.
NeverDesdemona (2:40:13 AM): Ending your life would be the absolute most selfish thing you could do. It'd just be owning to God that time.
NeverDesdemona (2:40:20 AM): of just how selfish humans are.
NeverDesdemona (2:40:56 AM): I know I am. I hate that other people know what's going on with you before I do. I'm generous with every other aspect of my life, whether by birth or by personal choice, all except for my friends.
NeverDesdemona (2:41:05 AM): I am unapologetically, viciously possessive.
nightinthesky (2:42:04 AM): What if I told you that I don't feel that special to you anymore?
nightinthesky (2:42:28 AM): Not becuase you do anything to show/say or anything like that, but just because.
NeverDesdemona (2:42:39 AM): Then that's not my fault, now is it?
NeverDesdemona (2:42:49 AM): How about if I told you that I'm not surprised in the least.
nightinthesky (2:42:48 AM): probably not
NeverDesdemona (2:42:56 AM): You've been moping for more than a year.
nightinthesky (2:43:13 AM): I know...
nightinthesky (2:43:20 AM): I want it to stop.
nightinthesky (2:43:23 AM): I don't know how.
NeverDesdemona (2:43:45 AM): Well, you're not helping yourself out at all.
NeverDesdemona (2:43:56 AM): Especially when it comes to me, if you think that I don't value you anymore.
nightinthesky (2:44:15 AM): It's because I don't value myself. I know it.
NeverDesdemona (2:44:26 AM): Trying to "distance" yourself and all that poppycock will do you no good, none at all, I don't care what you say.
NeverDesdemona (2:44:30 AM): It's just an excuse.
NeverDesdemona (2:44:34 AM): Stop excusing yourself.
nightinthesky (2:44:50 AM): I'm not trying to.
nightinthesky (2:44:57 AM): I just don't know what to do.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:16 AM): Well stop copping out.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:21 AM): for starters.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:30 AM): You're not going to cop out of this friendship by "distancing" yourself.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:48 AM): Because if you do too good of a job, I will grow irrevoccably impatient and forget all about you for my own sake.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:54 AM): that's not what I would ever WANT to do
NeverDesdemona (2:46:05 AM): but I will do it if you leave me with no other option.
NeverDesdemona (2:46:19 AM): And I will do it as if I had been doing it all along. It's in my nature.
nightinthesky (2:46:34 AM): have I been pushing you to that?
NeverDesdemona (2:48:32 AM): Well, you're not making me think you care about me lately. You can SAY plenty, but showing it is a different story. I've never seen you as a "sidekick" or a subordinate companion. You've always been my peer and my equal, but you're not doing a very good job and helping me maintain that perspective.
NeverDesdemona (2:48:50 AM): You keep pushing yourself further and further down to the point that other people are going to start seeing what you see; me included.
nightinthesky (2:49:07 AM): I know
nightinthesky (2:49:18 AM): but I don't know how to see myself properly anymore
nightinthesky (2:49:32 AM): I feel pretty worthless
nightinthesky (2:49:52 AM): What keeps happening in my life only pushes that further
NeverDesdemona (2:49:58 AM): Then stop surrounding yourself with people and things that make you feel that way, whatever who or what they may be.
nightinthesky (2:50:08 AM): Robyn was one
nightinthesky (2:50:20 AM): The rest are my memories...
NeverDesdemona (2:50:51 AM): Well, hence you and roby needing to talk
nightinthesky (2:50:57 AM): My parents, too, probably.nightinthesky (2:51:02 AM): Some people from church.
NeverDesdemona (2:51:04 AM): and you need to come to terms with your past, because now it's water under the bridge.
NeverDesdemona (2:51:11 AM): Stop drowning in it.
nightinthesky (2:51:20 AM): I try.
nightinthesky (2:51:25 AM): I've tried.
NeverDesdemona (2:51:51 AM): Keep trying. to me you're only wallowing.
NeverDesdemona (2:51:56 AM): That's not trying.
nightinthesky (2:52:01 AM): I was trying
NeverDesdemona (2:52:03 AM): You have to fight it to the ground.
nightinthesky (2:52:06 AM): I'm wallowing now...
nightinthesky (2:52:12 AM): I have been for a bit
nightinthesky (2:52:41 AM): but i did used to try.
nightinthesky (2:52:46 AM): I did used to fight.
NeverDesdemona (2:52:49 AM): USED
NeverDesdemona (2:52:54 AM): not going to cut it, man.
NeverDesdemona (2:53:14 AM): You're talking with the wrong gal if you are looking for sympathy.
NeverDesdemona (2:53:17 AM): You're not getting any from me.
nightinthesky (2:53:24 AM): I don't want sympathy
nightinthesky (2:53:24 AM): lol
nightinthesky (2:53:27 AM): thank you though
nightinthesky (2:53:32 AM): that's all I've been getting
nightinthesky (2:53:38 AM): I want direction
nightinthesky (2:53:40 AM): I want help
NeverDesdemona (2:53:45 AM): Don't thank me, bastard. stop throwing the year plus long pity party.
NeverDesdemona (2:53:49 AM): Attitude, man.
NeverDesdemona (2:53:54 AM): Change your attitude.
nightinthesky (2:54:12 AM): Shouldn't I change how I perceive myself first?
nightinthesky (2:54:27 AM): Otherwise the attitude is just fake,no?
nightinthesky (2:54:43 AM): and if so, then how do I change how I perceive myself.
NeverDesdemona (2:54:48 AM): haha
NeverDesdemona (2:54:49 AM): fuck no.
NeverDesdemona (2:54:53 AM): you're inside out.
NeverDesdemona (2:55:31 AM): It's the attitude; you saying FUCK THIS - I'm going to make a change. Wake up everyday and concentrate on small, simple things that make you happy, people who make you happy, and going from there.
NeverDesdemona (2:55:48 AM): From there, your perception will eventually change over time.
NeverDesdemona (2:56:21 AM): It's like how I can do all the character work i want firsthand, but once I've got my costume on and I see myself in a mirror, that's when I all finally makes sense, and my character is alive.
nightinthesky (2:56:54 AM): but then the question is change to what?
nightinthesky (2:57:04 AM): I don't want to go back to being who I used to be
NeverDesdemona (2:57:10 AM): uhm
NeverDesdemona (2:57:12 AM): that's up to you.
nightinthesky (2:57:16 AM): I don't want to be uber-depressed aldo anymore either
NeverDesdemona (2:57:17 AM): Waht do you WANT to change about yourself.
NeverDesdemona (2:57:25 AM): well that's a start, dammit.
NeverDesdemona (2:57:38 AM): You've got to say, want it, and MEAN it.
NeverDesdemona (2:57:49 AM): And not lie on your ass afterward, metaphorically speaking.
nightinthesky (2:57:55 AM): I want to have this sort of Little Miss Sunshine bit going on
nightinthesky (2:58:16 AM): Knowing that out of horribleness something wonderful can occur
nightinthesky (2:58:28 AM): something unexpected, but wonderful
NeverDesdemona (2:58:42 AM): Well duh, such is life.
nightinthesky (2:58:45 AM): moe
NeverDesdemona (2:58:50 AM): you desperately need to get out of your head.
NeverDesdemona (2:58:53 AM): DESPERATELY.
nightinthesky (2:58:54 AM): we're seeing Apocalypto tomorrow night
NeverDesdemona (2:58:59 AM): You're living with shadows.
nightinthesky (2:59:01 AM): what time would you be able to go?
NeverDesdemona (2:59:04 AM): And I'm going to pull you out.
NeverDesdemona (2:59:08 AM): Any time, I don't have a life here.nightinthesky (2:59:19 AM): lol
nightinthesky (2:59:23 AM): what time do you wake up?
nightinthesky (2:59:39 AM): Robyn can't steal you from me, no matter how much she might think
nightinthesky (2:59:49 AM): Hell, Dan can't take you either.
nightinthesky (2:59:57 AM): I'd take him on.
nightinthesky (2:59:59 AM): lol
nightinthesky (3:00:09 AM): Only if you let me, of course.
nightinthesky (3:00:14 AM): I feel better already
nightinthesky (3:00:18 AM): really
nightinthesky (3:00:23 AM): oh moe...
nightinthesky (3:00:25 AM): *hug*
NeverDesdemona (3:00:26 AM): Well, good dammit.
NeverDesdemona (3:00:28 AM): DAMMIT.
NeverDesdemona (3:00:29 AM): LoL
NeverDesdemona (3:00:33 AM): *huuuuuuuugggg*

Comment! (8) | Recommend!

Merry Christmas, from Scrooge the Grinch.

I doubt any of y'all will ever guess what my middle name is. So, I will antie it up to 20 pps. But I'm not going to dote over it, so just guess at your leisure.

You know you've been from your family too long when you're having christmas eve dinner and the table is quiet. At one point me and my cousin were going to share a leg. He made the joke that I could have the bone half. I laughed. I then said "Speaking of bone, how's Bone (my grampa's dog)?" The table gets quietter and more uncomfortable. My aunt gives me the thumbs down. My cousins stare down at their plate. My grampa in the most stoic voice I have ever heard from such an animated man, says "He's dead... He got ran over... I couldn't let go of his body for three days..." My grandma then starts to change the conversation. I also get EXTREMELY uncomfortable and start making stupid jokes about the food and mumbling something or another... Somehow after a few more depressing comments from my grandpa the conversation moved on...


I lost it. I've lost that connection. How did I do that? Was it me? Is it them? They have girlfriends now. My cousins. They didn't tell me about them. I was the one that brought it up. Even after a few questions they didn't feel like opening up. Since when did they feel so astranged to me?

I hate Christmas. I'm going to grow old and alone. On purpose.

Zanzibar, I don't know how I feel about your comment.
I'm sure you don't either.

Comment! (3) | Recommend!

This excludes two people. You know who you are...

Whoever can guess my middle name recieves 7 pps.

Comment! (5) | Recommend!