It was either here or myspace.
And I don't want anyone who knows me to know me.


What's wrong with me?
Why do I always do this?
Why do I always believe or have hope?
It's idiotic.
"It's not how many times you fall down. It's how many times you get back up."
It's a very popular saying for those who help those who are considering giving up.
But then,
When does it become stupidity?
Like forgiveness.
When does allowing these people back into your life cease being forgiving and become blatant stupidity?

I can feel myself hardening already. Assuming "crash positions". I won't feel a thing...

I don't give a fuck if people understand this anymore.
This is who I have to be. It's the only way.
I won't be made an idiot.
I won't allow myself to forgive and forget and try again.

I'm through.

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Through out these past couple of years I've come to be known as a few new things.
I often relish the newer and more original insults, however, the most common used are still "asshole" and "bastard".

I do not get upset when anyone calls me by these names since I often earn them.
Nor do I regret what I've done to earn these titles.

I do what's right, most often enough. Whether everyone agrees with me or not.

Unfortunately, many in this world tend to believe that being an asshole is always a bad thing.

I've come to learn and believe strongly that sometimes the best thing you can do is to be this asshole.

So, I will continue to be who I am and do what I do until the day that I die.

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I awoke to a text from my close friend and "brother", Andrew McWilliams.

It read: Well... Andrew McWilliams is no longer a single man..

I spun.
Huh? I didn't even know that was a possibility recently.
Then again I haven't talked to him since... well for a LONG while now.
And there's always been someone after the blue eyed beach dwelling boy.
So, this shouldn't come as a shocker.

I sat and felt something new.
Fully alone.
He was my buddy, you know?
The one that was going through what I've been going through.

I guess I'm the only one not making any progress anymore.



My dream came back to me soon after that.
Again.
Incontriamo nei miei sogni.
But she'll never know that.

Is this what my life will be like? Wake up, work and work, go to sleep and dream dreams of impossibilities only to wake up again to work and continue my routine?

I pray that's not how it will be.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
In each generation a slayer is born.
She, alone, must stand against the forces of evil and darkness and blah blah blah, right?

Well, sometimes I feel like her.

Ok, ok, I know this is a long shot but hear me out. Buffy is this super hero of sorts who is supposed to fight evil and save the world and stuff, right? But she's not only a Slayer. She's also an older sister, a friend, a daughter, a human. She has all these responsibilities and somehow she has to decide between defeating demons or going to work. Now, granted, I don't have super powers nor was I chosen to vanquish evil or anything like that, but I still have alot on my plate. And I think I often forget that. I do what I have to and fail at some of those things, and then I stop and wonder why I failed. Maybe I just think that I can take on more than I really can.

I think it's because I've always felt like people are looking at me going, "Why can't you do this simple task? Everyone else is doing so much more and they manage to do PERFECTION. Why can't you?!"
Maybe it's because people actually do this...

Nevertheless, I guess I just realized this today (again). I forget often.

My mom's going to the Mayo clinic in Minesotta from May 8 - 14 to see what the doctor's up there say.
I had to make the decision between this and my final.
That's final's week and even though I'm only taking one final, because I'm only taking one class, it still bothers me to know that I have to make these decisions.
This is why I couldn't take more classes. I can't deal with all of EVERYTHING.
It's too much. I have to make time. If that means failing at one of these things, it's because I had to choose.
I can't do it all.
And people are just going to have to deal.

So, there.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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We drew a naked man yesterday.

Yes, yes. I know they're technically known as "models", but this way you know how I feel about it.
Which is akward.

I mean, during the actual drawing process I maintained professionalism and concentrated on my work, but the before and after (especially the after) still felt akward. I don't care how you spin this, at the end of the day I STILL drew a naked man.

I was just glad that for most of the poses he had his back towards me.
The joys of being at the end of a semi-circle seating arrangement.




I feel like I've learned alot in this class. Mostly stuff I didn't even know I could do. I guess after having Stephen Sloan as a roommate (null null http://essiss.deviantart.com/ ) well, I guess I just kinda lost belief in my own drawing abilities.

But according to my professor, I'm not half bad.




That one's crooked because of the camera.




And personally, I HATE doing inkwash...


So, I guess, there's still much to learn. I mean in more than just drawing class. Sometimes I get too wrapped up with the knowledge that I already know (that no one listens to) and manage to forget learning more.

So, yeay for advancing one's own knowledge!

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