Helena dared me to write a positive nutang, so here it is.

It's not like I don't have happy moments. Like the song "All together Now"! I love that song! How could one not?! "

Katie makes me happy. She's the new addition to the zoo I own. Yes, zoo. Bruno (my blue heeler), Tiny Cutie (my mom's parakeet), Alice (the bunny), Jack (the rabbit), Kaylee (Helena's guinea pig), Jaden (Helena's cat), and now Katie (my kitten)!
Talk about all together now, right...?

She actually picked her own name, you know? I'm not even kiddin. I ran through a short list of names I was debating on and when I came to the name Katie she meowed and came over to me. Since then she's always responded to that name. I'm not even kidding. It MAY be because it rhymes with "kitten", but I don't see why'd she be used to people calling her kitten when everyone called her "peanut" (ech! I know!) before I renamed her.

And speaking of not kidding, you wanna hear something funny I hadn't thought of in a long time? When I was in middle school and high school I had a series of odd named teachers. The list is as following:

Math teacher - Mr. Pless (pronounced Plus, not kidding)

World Geography - Mrs. Holand

Texas History - Ms. Austin

Biology teacher - Mr. Cox (Yup, freshmen biology. Reproduction and whatnot... It would of been hilarious had he not been so boring. He sounded like Ben Stein, but worse)

French teacher - Mrs. Canard (Canard means duck in French)

There were more teachers, but sadly enough these are the only ones I remember. I mean, talk about destiny, right? lol. Sure Mrs. Holand and Mrs. Canard married into those names, but that only brings up the question of whether the name had anything to do with the relationship... on a subconscious level at least.

And speaking of questions!

Have y'all seen that special on KERA or whatever educational channel you watch, about how they've discovered dinosaurs in the arctic?! It's crazy! I hadn't heard about this until now! It's apparently throwing scientists for the biggest effing loop ever! How could it not? This means that dinosaurs (or some of them) must have been warm blooded! And therefore some big meteor crashing into earth wouldn't have been enough to kill them off! I'm summarizing here, but work with me. It's just crazy! And amazing to me!

I mean, think about it. Science is being taught as nothing but factual information. To question science you are either a demented fool or a religious nut. When in reality, we don't know shit! I hardly cuss but this DESERVES that. I mean what we THINK we know could be nothing but lies. We've spent YEARS believing that dinosaurs are nothing but big cold blooded lizards who died from some big rock. Now the WHOLE biology of hundreds of species has to be RElooked at, because we got a crucial part of it wrong! To top it off! We also have to look even DEEPER into why the such dominant and diverse creatures in this planet died off! We can no longer blame it on one single hunk of outerspace rock!
It's a challenge!
It screams at the world to reinvent and reevaluate what it thought to be true! What we thought we knew of our own planet!

It's like rewritting history!

You can't do it, but by golly sometimes the tiniest thing like LOCATION can alter your WHOLE perspective on your past!

And maybe it's true... Maybe some of the things we think are true about are past, are nothing but misunderstood naive lies!

Imagine the possibilities of a new and different future because of the new perspective on your past! On MY past!

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What is WRONG with me?!

I know I was looking for someone to talk to, but DEAR GOD! that was close! I can't believe I almost wrote and sent all that to my old high school teacher! I mean, what does she care?! She's barely even a friend! She's sure as hell not my confidant or even my therapist!

"I'm not up to much right now. Unfortunately, though, it still feels like a lot.
I don't remember when I bumped into you at Walmart, but I know it's been a while. It's been a really odd and complicated rollercoaster ride, one which has been on a downhill slope as of late. Don't worry! It's not all bad! However, being on that first big drop is the closest feeling that I have
to describing the feeling. It's like a sudden rush of intense fear and excitement all at once. I felt like for a good while there things just kept building and building, but as though I wasn't really headed anywhere, even when things were well. However, in February my mom passed away. It's been the oddest mix of feelings since then. I was obviously upset and grieving, but simultaneously a little relieved. My mom had just gone through too much finally. I know where she's at and that, above all, has given me peace through this. Here's where things get complicated, though. I feel as if"

And that's when I realized I had been rambling for sentences on end about my private thoughts and feelings. Things I hardly even share with my closest friends! And I was gonna continue?!?!




I have GOT to get a grip! Get a hold of myself...

...right?

I mean... I have a pastor's breakfast in approximately 5 and a half hours, and I'm not even getting ready to go to sleep...
Who am I kidding. I know exactly why I'm still up. I know what I'm looking for. And the more I stay up, the more and more I'm beginning to think I won't find it here.

I just wish I had what I had before...

A home.

Love...

Adventure!

Excitement!

..._freedom!


But what if I'm chained here? And even more importantly, what if I've grown to love the chain? Each and every link that's hold me down to this place. Even the rusty, old, and painful ones?
Will leaving on my quest to find such elusive things be worth abonding and probably hurting those I leave behind?
And what if I fail?
What if I lose everything?

And how do I even go about leaving???

I know these sound like rhetorical questions, but if you've read this (which I doubt any really will) by all means, give me your perspective on it. I kinda need it right now.

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