As a child I adored Peter Pan.
You could even say he was a hero of mine. I understood him. And if he were real, he would totally have gotten me. The mere thought of growing up was revolting to me. Unwanted. I would remain a child for as long as I could! Who would want to grow up? All I ever saw around me were arguments and fights, stealing and lying, worry and despair. That was the "adult world". And why would anyone want that? To be free to run in fields or play in the mud! Without the concern of bugs, snakes, or how dirty one would become! It was amazing! Endless possibilities! No end to the world! It was all waiting to be discovered! To be awed at! The nights were always my favorite time. You could see stars from horizon to horizon. It was amazing! Adults didn't get it. They were too wrapped up in silly things like money. How dumb of them to get so caught up in the trivial!

I, unfortunately, felt very connected to all of this for a long while. Well, into my teenage years I still had no desire to grow up.
Not until recently did I discover how odd this really was. I simply wanted to live my life to the fullest! Full of laughs, love, and friendships! I didn't really care about what job I would have or how many children I would have. Those were things of the future. That was stuff for me to worry about later.
Thoughts like these aren't healthy thoughts for a high schooler to have, I've recently been told.

... and... well...
maybe they were right...

I've paid a price, a very high price, for not having plans, for not even having dreams or aspirations. Those again, were things of the future, things for "adults". I am now struggling to make ends meet and have hardly any real direction to life, educationally, professionally, or otherwise (despite what perception I purposely give off to people).
I've also paid the price in love. I put all my eggs in high school baskets. Turns out those baskets were only for high school. Apparently everyone else got the memo. I didn't. Now I'm here with hardly any friends and with a haphazardly strung together love life.

And I fear.

I fear the threat of my debts devouring me. They circle and gnaw at me. Waiting for the right moment to strike beyond the surface, while I calmly sit in my living room typying away on an old laptop.
I fear being alone. So many people have left me... Whether by choice or not. And I have no family... What does that even mean? What does it mean that I don't know what it means?
I even fear death.
I stay up late into the nights hoping to enjoy the last fading crumbs of the previous day. ...even if I am alone while I do it.

And when I lay my head down to finally rest, I assure myself that my nondigital alarm clock is close enough to where I will hear it when it goes off, yet far away to where I don't hear the ticking...

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

I used to make jokes at the noise.
I used to laugh at it and make references to other movies, like All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Now. Well. Now it's different.

I close my eyes and I'm back in the room in the hospice wing of the hospital. My mom lays beside me in her bed. I can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall. It reminds me. It will never let me forget.

Death is waiting.

Tick, tick, tick.


And I hadn't realized this until just the other day:
When did I become Captain James Hook?

Comment! (6) | Recommend!

I recently read on a yahoo news article (http://health.yahoo.com/news/ap/us_swine_flu_schools.html) that schools across the U.S. are closing down due to the swine flu despite the governments urgings to remain open. A superintendent of one of the schools said, "The only way to stop that transmittal was to keep the kids home for the rest of the week."

A clearer perspective into the America's future dawned on me at that moment.
We are doomed.
If our education systems, if our government, if our culture doesn't change drastically soon, we, as a nation, are screwed.
I found it amusing and interesting how we dramatically fear a flu, which we can get better from. However, when it comes to sex amidst teens (and preteens, now), to drug use, to a lower education in comparison to other countries, to increase in drop outs, or to increase in teen pregnancies, we turn a blind eye and decide that the responsibility falls amidst parents and government funded programs.
You're kidding me, right?

"Students are in such close proximity (to each other) and they're in two or three classrooms a day at two or three different desks. It's an incubator situation." That is the quote from a Director of Pupil Personnel in Kentucky. Yet, is this not the case for the way our students, the future of America, are learning? As a youth leader, high school tutor, middle school tutor, and elementary school tutor, I have come to notice over the years how little teachers trully play a part in student's lives. I'm certain that there are those who grow attached to certain teachers and whatnot, but for the most part, the majority of students involve themselves in certain environments, which thereby shape and culturalize the individuals to adapt to the environment they are in. Now, I believe there are those who do not share this concern. Why would they? There are certain environments that are not as deeply marinated with negativity and vice.
What many fail to realize, is the vast chasm of difference that lays between certain schools.Unfortunately, despite the many advances we have all made for unity and equality, racial and economic differences play a huge part in the way people are brought up. These differences begin to take a toll on the youth who are brought up in these environments. They often must adapt to different circumstances, and because of the gap in behaviour between different races and/or of economic standings they are often shackled to the way of living in which they were brought up.There are, of course, the rare and few who do NOT remain in the type of environment they were brought up in. However, they themselves acknowledge the differences in behaviours, abondon their own, and embrace the subculture in which they choose to partain to. Yet again, however, those individuals are a very small percentage.

All of this is to say, why are we not concerned about the "incubation" that exists in schools?

I sat today at work, observing a disturbing sight.

The students at my community centers were practicing a song for a program that involves them in choir, dance, and drama. There were three other individuals in the room, an woman (who I believe helps run the program), a younger woman who worked for the program, and a young man (couldn't be older than 19) who I am certain was the son of the first woman. We'll call them "Mom", "Lady", and "Son". The son was going around from room to room video taping the children. His face showed such amusement and wonderment. I was perturbed. I know not what kind of bringing up the young man had, however, I can assure I don't know many 18 or 19 year olds dressed in fitting khakis with a long-sleeve button up tucked into his pants and buttoned up to the neck. I felt like a zoo keeper and he was the tourist, amazed by such interesting and curious creatures. It was as though he had never seen children before, much less singing. Many of the children were, of course, off pitch and without much coordination. The lady sat in each classroom and watched as time and again one student after another misbehaved or would stop participating. She was by no means content. She wore a "smile" on her face to show the students (and more than likely her boss) her pleasure in belonging to such a fulfilling program. Only when one would inspect her closely did one notice the marks and lines of pain etched across that smile. Her eyes were filled with fear and discomfort. In reality, after close inspection, you could see how this "smile" was trully a grimace. Lastly the mom sat there also, jubilant and triumphant to see these underprivileged and poverty stricken children participating in something that she had more than likely played a big part in brining to the center. It was as if this activity would bring their neighborhood out of darkness and plunge them in a brighter future, one filled without fights, and gangs, and sex, and drugs, and divorce, and abondonment, and death.
How foolish we all are to believe this will work.

Helena often grows upset with me. She says that I look too much at the big picture. That I never deal with the little things. Well, I believe the little things are all symptoms. What is the point in trying to eliminate the symptoms if the disease still remains?

I believe that we must do something, for once. Something to trully stop the way our future is heading. We must grow to understand our selves and our situation for what it trully is. We need to take action! We need to disband certain ways of thinking and living. We need to begin helping out our fellow citizens once more! If we continue to do things the way we're doing them, we will only breed a nation filled with no unity. A nation that is free to hate each other over politics, religion, economic standing, and race.

We must act quickly! It is not too late!

Comment! (3) | Recommend!