Like a scared little child, I walked down the school's sidewalk looking for my ride. I glanced to my sides as I usually do when I'm nervous. Near one of the school's entrance I caught a glimpse of a short giggly dark brown haired girl. She was in glee over something or another. But the mere shape of her body cast fear in me. I sped up as I walked past her. I then heard her stop laughing as I saw another shadow follow my own. I knew that shadow anywhere. I began to try to run. I couldn't. I knew it was inevitable. I stopped.
She remained in the rest of my dream...

Never ever really left alone, huh?
"Can you pretend I'm amazing?" Everyone keeps talking to me as if I'm being over dramatic or that I don't let things go and so on. I tried. I tried beyond all reason. (Literally.) These thoughts that plague are here to stay. I feel like Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind; Having to learn to live with my insanity, with these imaginary people who no one else sees. Andrew understands me as I understand him. This isn't something normal. We've been looking for hope somewhere else. Maybe that wasn't the end. But it was. We won't find another. We can't love another. Once we fall in love, that's it. Wish we had known ahead of time, though...
I thought things could work between me and Robyn. But in the end, I just wasn't enough for her. I don't know if things could have worked. I doubt I could have ever loved her as much as I've loved before. But I thought it could have worked. But that wasn't a choice, I guess. Whatever it is that God is putting me and Andrew through, it's not fun and we wish we knew what it was.

"How did I get here?, the little boy who'd argue with a tree!"






Stop haunting me Nicole Michelle Melman...

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Sometimes I want hug her, hold her, kiss her, tell her I love her...
...other times I just want to strangle her to death. Literally.

She drives me insane. Kryptonite, if you will. I don't react the same with everyone else. I bend nearly every rule in my book for her. Don't know why. Some say "DUH! YOU'RE MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER!" and frankly I have to disagree. I've been in love. I know what that looks like. This isn't it. I'm not even "in lust" with her, I believe. If anything, I'm probably "in passion" with her. We have no in betweens when we're together. We either want to desperately love each other or destroy each other. Though, I know I'd win. Unfortunately, if I won I'd ultimately wind up losing. This is why I want to ditch the scene and watch the city burn, among many MANY other reasons.

I don't know. All I know is that I feel like living for once. And I can't do it with others any more. I realized sometime today (I think. I don't know. I've been sick. Time blurs together.) that all this time I've been waiting. I've been waiting for someone. Someone to be my friend. My partner. My guide. My own. Just someone. I can't wait anymore. I've wasted all this time waiting for someone that isn't coming. It was stupid. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm going out on this on my own. Love is something on that is no longer my concern. Not the love for another, but romantic love. That wretched vile thing. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life, but I'm certain I will do without it.
I don't care anymore. I don't care if people think I'll be living a midiocre life. Or that I'm not up to my "potential". I want nothing to do with all these earthly treasures. They reek of human blood. Blood spilt for my comfort. F**K THAT! I'll find my own way. My own path. she used to say that... "If you don't like any of the paths set before you, then make your own..."
It's the always the hardest way, but that's where the battles come in. And you can't ever be a hero without battles, can you?

I really can never get her out of my head, can I?

Eh, oh well. Let's journey on, oh destined soldier.

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So I may not be on here for a bit.

Tomorrow morning I may or may not be going to Piedras Negras, Mexico with a few members from my church. We're going to drop off an crapload of stuff at this orphanage. It's all sad sad story stuff. You know, guy starts orphanage in poor place, they live off donations, kids just being left at the door step all the time, guy who started it gets cancer, guy might die, you know, usual sad and bad. I've gotten SO MUCH from so many people. I've filled my Jeep twice. It's awesome. But I don't know. I'm having mixed feelings right now...

I had helped my younger cousin with her homework earlier today and then I went to work. After work I picked up her workbook to check her answers since she has a test over that stuff tomorrow. Most of her answers were wrong. But it was too late. She was already asleep by the time I got the book back to her. She'll probably fail this quiz.
It was then that I got my urge again. I screamed profanities in my Jeep as I drove to her house knowing full well that it was just too late. I began to flashback again...
"You can't fix the whole world, Aldo" she said as she held me.
I didn't care back then. And I felt that feeling again of not caring. Maybe I couldn't but I would sure as hell try!

God, I hate it. She still haunts me. I'm composed as far as everyone knows or thinks. But then I get to these moments and she's there. The moments that are the most important. The moments I try to find my passion, my love, my heart. maybe it's because she's there. I can't find those things without her. I still love her and probably always will. I just wish I could have my passion and love back without her. I guess when I gave her my heart I kept none of it for me...

So wish me well on this trip. I may be without heart and half dead at times but this will not stop me. I will NOT be held down dammit! I will fight!


"Victory through inner strength, persistence, and love!"

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"Always something there to remind me"


'How can I get her out of my head, Aldo?'
The question stumped me. Can it be done? I thought about how little I've been thinking of her lately. Had I started to stop? Am I moving past it? Why can't he? Am I wrong for moving past it? I don't know. All I know is that I feel that I was in the battlefield with a fellow friend. We battled the same evil every day. We had each other's back and we understood. Understood. That's something not too many people do for us. We're complicated gentlemen. But then I left him. I left the battlefield. He's still there. He's still being bombarded everyday. He's still distraught. With no one to see him through it...
I'm going back in. I don't know how but I'll do anything and everything I can to help him through this. I once prayed that if the only way for him to be happy in his relationship was to forsake any of my own, then for it be done. I love this man, unlike any other friend I've had. He's more than my brother. He's a better man than I could have ever hoped to be. Yet, here he is, miserable. Why? Because of some girl. Love really DOES make fools of the most brilliant of men. He had so much potential. Now it's all squandered because of this. I know what it's like. I know that no matter what, no matter who comes into our lives, we can NEVER fulfill our full potential we once had.
So maybe I'll roadtrip with him...

Wretched love. How you toy with us.

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"We drive
to leave the past and clear the mind
to watch the sunset set it's time"


Things went better than I expected... but worse at the same time.

I came clean. My mom reacted better than I thought she would. She did cry a little, but just a little. She didn't really get mad. But unfortunately she really couldn't guide me. She said that if I lacked motivation/drive to go to school for myself then I should do have it for her. I always thought it was funny how most people told me that my mom would understand and would tell me "to go live my own life". I thought it was really funny, actually. I love my mom, and she's a WONDERFUL person, but I know her better than alot of other people. I know she can be a bit self concerned at times. But you get cancer and you start worry, I guess. So, I explained that if she wanted me to live for her I could and would do it, but it it wouldn't be college. I'd find a job that payed well and that I could slowly make more and more money, that way to relieve some of the stress she has now and hopefully in the future have enough to take care of her. This bothered her, I could tell. Then she stopped and asked me "Is she fully out of your system? Out of your thoughts? Out of your life?" I stumbled at this question. I know she noticed. After a small pause that would normally go unnoticed, I responded, "Not fully. I can't. Not while I'm here. That's one of the reasons I want out." She asked me to where. I responded with either North Carolina or California. I mentioned how if I went to California I would have people to go to in case of anything. She mentioned how that could be a plus but also a downside. She said she preffered North Caroilna. That way I could really learn to make it on my own. To really just be me without anyone or anything else.

So that's where we're at, right now. We'll see how it goes down...
I know this isn't over. It's far from over. I've just opened the doors to others knowing about what's happened and what's going on. This is where the rough comes in... I also told Robyn. I could tell she was upset. She didn't want to be. So I asked her what she thought of everything. She said she wasn't at that bridge just yet so she'll worry about it once she gets there...

"Strike a match, pour gasoline,
Ditch the scene and watch the city burn"

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