Wow, have I been busy or what?

Technically, I'm still busy. Being sick the past weekend didn't help matters much, either.

I'm writting this here because I have no where else to go with this.
I don't know what to do. I mean, I know where I'm headed (kinda) and it's an allright plan. Key word: Allright. I'm studying to work on tech in some theatre troupe or building. Just something (anything) off stage relating with theatre. Why? Because I've always loved theater and they pay great.
What else am I intending to do with my life? What else do I plan on doing? What other great adventures await?
I plan on getting a good stable job along those lines. I plan on getting paid. I plan on living in a home of some sort with lots and lots of books.
That's it.

And I don't know how to feel about it.
Part me of is screaming that this is all I want. I don't want anything else. I'm tired of everything else. But then there's this other part of me that doesn't like it. I fear it, almost.
Live my life alone, with nothing other than work and simple pleasures to entertain me until my death.

I used to want something completely different. But honestly, I still don't know what I want. I guess I'm terrified. Not scared. Terrified. Beyond what anyone else can see. I've told a few others. But ultimately there's nothing anyone can do.
I love alot of people. I love alot of my friends, but I still have issues. I still think that they may leave me at any moment. There's only 2 people who I can honestly say won't leave me out of nowhere. And by God, have they FOUGHT to get to the place they're at now. And even though I know they won't leave, I still have tendencies to fear it. Tendencies which I often have to ignore and remind myself that it's not like that. But that's just with these two people.
Everyone else?
Well, frankly I EXPECT everyone to leave my life. It's only a matter of time in my eyes.

So, when it comes to love life scenarios...
Well, I know that so much shouldn't weight on one person, but truth is, it does.
I just don't know if I can trust anyone anymore. People keep telling me "it's not like you two were married." And I know we weren't. That's a duh. But... I don't know. I can't help but think, if someone can stay with you for so long and say they love you and all that crap, then just get up and go the following day... What would stop someone else from doing that?
What does commitment mean this day and age?
Nothing, so it seems.
Marriage sucks ass, from what I've seen. People can't even respect THOSE vows.
I can't do that. I can't manage it. I'm not strong enough. I couldn't deal getting in another relationship where the person just gets up and goes.
And I don't trust anyone.

So, what do I do? I do the pansie thing and fold. I cry and moan and ditch. Sometimes I don't know if that's foolish of me or very wise. I hate it, because it makes me feel like such a quitter and such a cry-baby. But at the same time, I look at the reality of it all and come to the same conclusion every time.
I can't do it.

So, again, what do I do? I choose a path where I isolate myself. Awesome, huh?
But what else can I do? It's not like I can just trust people to stay. And it's not like anyone is even helping that along.
Nearly every day people seem to leave my life.

I just don't know. I just don't get it.
I'm not content, but I don't know if I can risk anything ever again.

But then again, it's not like I even hang out with people my age anyways.
I swear I feel like Giles, usually. But at least Giles was cool and british.



But I should be heading to sleep now.
I have to wake up early to go to the Kimbell Art Museum so I can draw two things from there. Then head to my Stagecraft class. Followed by work, where I will now be the only tutor with about 5 kids on average per day to help (even though most need personal assistance), because the last 3 tutors left. Yeay. Then I have to come home and do a self portrait for the following day (scary).
Wish me luck.
Oh, and again, story will continue sometime soon.

Comment! (14) | Recommend!

P.S. Don't worry the story will continue in time. Just thought I'd post this up so I could be cool like Dilated.

Comment! (8) | Recommend!

^{As with any story, there are more than one perspective to it.
This is from my mind's eyes.
You will see, think, feel, and know all that I've seen, thought, felt and known.
Any personal questions and comments may be sent to me in form of a message.
I also encourage you to listen to songs I have up. They will coincide with the time frame of the story.
And since I noticed that no one has asked for the password in three days, this entry will become passwordless. However, the following will probably be password protected. If interested in reading the rest, please ask for the password.
I appreciate it. Thank you.}



To fully understand anything, you must always bear in mind the past:

I've always been a strong willed child. I knew right from wrong almost as if by instinct. This of course came from my parents.
Ever since I can remember my mom has always been there. I always felt a strong love within her. This love was not just directed towards me, but to everyone she knew and everything she did. It was as if this love had created a fire within her. Yet, despite this strong fire, her weakness still remained in a men. My mom had another son from a previous marriage. He was fourteen years old at the time of my birth. My mom was thirty-seven. My mom and dad had dated on and off.
The struggles they bore were borne from their vast differences. She was the joy and life of everyone. My mom was adored by not only her beauty, but by her character. She was known for her smile, her kidness, and her strength. Men of all sorts often tried to marry my mother. But my mom, being the free spirit she's always been, denied hundreds of wonderful men (one among them being a senator of Mexico). My dad, though, was not one many appreciated. He was rude, uncouth, and a coward. His mind was set on riches and on getting out of the hell whole he believed was Mexico. He also had a previous marriage and another child, twelve years my senior. His knowledge made up for his lack of wisdom. He was nothing more than a fool. A bitter fool with an anger problem. Everyone often warned my mom about him, including his own family. And despite my mom's confusion about it... they created me.
My mom had gone to the doctor. She had been having odd symptoms. The doctor told her it may have been early menopause. Although skeptical about it, my mom took the hormone pills the doctor had perscribed to her for a week or so. What else would it be? According to her previous doctors, it would be doubtful that she would be able to have another child again because of the complications she had giving birth to Arturo, my older brother. After that short time of pill taking, she decided to go see another doctor. The doctor came back with the results.
"You're menopause is actually a child. You're pregnant."
For the following months my mom was torn on what to do. My father was not a good man. He also was never around. Everyone knew that. But that wasn't the problem. Giving birth to me may very well cost my mom's life. She signed up at the abortion clinic. She never showed up.
The day came. And it came early. Nearly a month early. A risky situation had just become increasingly more dangerous. She often tells me and others about this dream she had while I was being born. She says this was a metaphor of how God saved us that day. In this dream she had come upon some quick-sand-like mud where she sank deeper and deeper in. She cried out for help and no one came. She held tight to a white purse beside her. Just as the mud reached her chin a white light came from above and a hand reached out and pulled her from the mud. The white purse mentained it's pure color despite having been engulfed by the mud. We both nearly died.
This would not be the last time we came this close to death.

She named me 'Aldo'. She said I was so small that the name had to fit me.

My father to this day asks me why I was named 'Aldo'. I often wonder what he would have liked to name me had he been there.
For the following seve years I grew up with my mom, my half-brother Arturo, and my grandmother in a very nice house in Chihuahua, Chihuahua, Mexico. My father lived in his own apartment and I would go visit him from time to time. I didn't much like visiting him. I didn't even connect the fact that he was my father for a good while. I just thought he was some man.
The stories my mom tells and the few memories I have of this place were all filled with mischief. My older brother was too old to play with me. It was a treat to go play with my cousins. Everyone had things to do. Except for my grandmother. We were close, though no where near as close as Arturo and her were. My brother Arturo had nearly been brought up by her. My mom, sadly enough, was never really there for him. My mom had been caught up in the woman's movement in Mexico and excercised her right by working her ass off. But nevertheless, me and my grandmother spent many days arguing and "having fun". Already in her seventies by this point there was hardly much she would do but watch soap operas and do "Hail Maries". And since I had nothing else to do, I joined her. Nearly every day consisted of me watching soap operas, praying, and reciting the "Hail Maries" with my grandmother. I often think that this is quite odd for a child of that age. However, I also often think that this may have had a bigger impact in my life than I would have ever guessed. I also remember the times when I'd rebell against the homework I'd recieve when I started first grade. There was nothing more hardcore than the homework in Mexico. Pardon me, but you Americans know nothing of homework. My grandmother was a strict believer in responsibilities come first. She often instilled this into all her grandchildren. My brother and cousins from my mom's side often tell me that I had it easy, that I was lucky for being born last out of all of them. Yet, somehow, as I sat tied to the kitchen chair with enough room to move my arm to finish my homework with my dinner sitting there far enough from me in wait for my homework to be completed, it was kind of hard for me to believe that I had it easier. My mom also tells the story about the time that my mom left me, again, in the care of my grandmother. I was barely crawling at the time. My grandmother recieved visistors and in order to keep me away from any dangerous areas she blocked off the stair case (made from marble. this is Mexico, remember?) with a few chairs. She then let me wander around. At one point she didn't see me anywhere. They began to panic. It was that day that I figured out how to climb stairs and how to move chairs. They found me in my room upstairs playing with my toys.
Those were good times.
Most of them anyway, except for one.
When I was three I had a pet baby duck. It believed I was it's mom. It would follow me everywhere. It was my only companion. I still remember all of this. Nearly everyone laughs about it now, with relative good reason, however traumatizing it was. My mom was taking a shower. I had the baby duck on the bed and I was just watching it walk around. I then realized that it probably wanted to fly. And I was it's mother wasn't I? At least in the duck's eyes. I then grabbed my stuffed monkey and wrapped it's tail around the neck of the duck and tied a knot. I then lifted it into the air with my childhood innoscence in tact. My naivety soon slipped as I noticed the duck had slowed down it's flapping. I laid it down on the bed and took of the noose. Had it grown tired from trying to fly? I'll wake it up then. I moved it's head from side to side. It wasn't moving. Why wasn't it moving? I screamed at my mom. She said she was still taking a shower that she would be out in a second. I kept screaming for her to come out. Tears flowing down my eyes. I didn't know what it was, but something felt horribly horribly wrong. My mom came out. She told me it had died. Died? I didn't know what that was. Well, I did now. I don't remember this, but according to my mom my grandmother kept making fun of me by calling me 'muderer' for a good while after that.
We never got another pet after that in Mexico.
I wasn't always at home, though. While In daycare I had made a friend. A "girlfriend". The daycare workers would tell of how even as toddlers we would hold hands. We were each other's everything. She was very pretty. The parents once told my mom that she cried for a year after I moved to the United States.
I also made a couple guy friends.
It was great.
For the first time, I didn't feel like I was alone...

Comment! (11) | Recommend!

My dad says over the phone to my mom, "How is it that all these things keep happening to him? This stuff never happens to us."



Things at work are going better, if you can say that. I think my supervisor, Cristina, is feeling a little better now that she told our main honcho what's been going on. There's a douche of a supervisor that never does ANYTHING and puts all the work on Cristina. Not only that, but now he's blaming her for something that has basically nothing to do with her. In any case, she got pissed, with good reason, and told our main honcho boss lady (i don't know what her correct title is) about it.
But then again, the other tutor that worked with me put in her two weeks notice. That gives the First Generation program two weeks to find another tutor. It's already been rough tutoring like 8 kids with just two tutors. It may come down to just ME tutoring all these kids.
"...so, that's what's happening." I spoke into the phone.
Silence came from Helena's end of the phone.
"I'm guessing that your silence means that you're wondering how it happens all the time that I'm left to deal with large amounts of responsibility all by myself, right?"
"...well YEAH." Helena exclaims.

I walked up to my Jeep after work. I was in a rush. Had to go pick up the youth to go babysit at church. We've already recieved tounge lashings from the pastor and his wife for either being late or for the one time we didn't go because I didn't have enough money for gas. So, I had to get this kids and go. I didn't care if they "reprimanded" me, but I didn't like it when they did it to the youth. The youth actually cared.
So, I get in my Jeep, get it started, put in reverse, drive out of my parking spot... and... something's feeling odd. I put in drive and go back to my parking spot. I turn off the engine. I sit there for a second. You're kidding me. I felt inclined to the back left side. I get out. Yup. Flat tire.
How am I going to get the kids to church? Who do I need to call first? The youth? The pastor? My mom? (she has chemo on fridays) ...God?



"Do you know how he got the flat?" my dad asks my mom.
"No, he said he just found it like that."

Comment! (9) | Recommend!

Loser- INTP 20% Extraversion, 66% Intuition, 73% Thinking, 40% Judging

Talked to another human being lately? I'm serious. You value knowledge above ALL else. You love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. The fact that nobody else cares still hasn't become apparent to you... Nerd's a great word to describe you, and I seriously couldn't care less about the different definitions of the word and why you're actually more of a geek than a nerd. Don't pretend you weren't thinking that. You want every single miniscule fact and theory to be presented correctly. Critical? Sarcastic? Cynical? Pessimistic? Just a few words to describe you when you're at your very best...*cough* Sorry, I mean worst. Picking up the dudes or dudettes isn't something you find easy, but don't worry too much about it. You can blame it on your personality type now. On top of all this, you're shy. Nice one, wench. No wonder you're on OKCupid! Now, quickly go and delete everything about "theoretical questions" from your profile page. As long as nobody tries to start a conversation with you, just MAYBE you'll now have a chance of picking up a date. But don't get your hopes up. I am interested though. If a tree fell over in a forest, would it really make a sound? ***************** If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this. ***************** The other personality types are as follows... Loner - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving Pushover - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging Criminal - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving Borefest - Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging Almost Perfect - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving Freak - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging Crackpot - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging Clown - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving Sap - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging Commander - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving Do Gooder - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging Scumbag - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving Busybody - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging Prick - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving Dictator - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Extraversion You scored higher than 99% on Intuition You scored higher than 99% on Thinking You scored higher than 99% on Judging

Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Comment! (14) | Recommend!

Here's the skivvy on what's been up.
...or down, depending on your point of view.

I'd like to get a job soon as a theatre technician (at a performance theater, not a movie theater) sometime soon. I'd enjoy that job and they pay well.
Why?
Because my mom has cancer and I can't diddle-daddle with silly things as my own dreams, so I find what I'd really enjoy doing instead. Not to mention, I squashed any remaining dreams years ago.
So, this semester I'm taking a Stagecraft class, which will hopefully give me enough experience to at least get started in the theatre tech world. From the little I've noticed, a few jobs are available as long as you have enough experience, not so much a degree of any sort.
However, I need to take a lab for this class which coincides with the job I'm currently at. I also have the ability to take as many lab opportunities as possible. You could potentially come in nearly every day. Each day at the exact times that I work. 3 to 6.
So, I'm going to have to take at least ONE day off.
Which isn't getting easier because I've been debating on getting a second job because the money I get isn't enough for my expenses, in specific any youth related stuff.
However, that no longer is decision. It is now a must since my father got fired and may possibly be coming down to live with me and my mom, for the first time in 12 years.
So, I'm looking for a second job, hopefully one for weekends.
Have I ever mentioned that I HATE customer service jobs?
I'd honestly prefer to eat my own young, if I had any.
Unfortunately, that's not an option.
To top it all off I'm not content with the direction my church is heading in and I'm currently debating on leading a sort of rebellion with the youth as my back up. I know they would follow me over the pastor, without a thought. The pastor has NEVER shown any interest in them.


So... maybe I'll just make my life easier.
And become a...

Comment! (7) | Recommend! (2)