"He will do one of two things,
he will admit to everything,
or he'll say he's just not the same,
and you'll begin to wonder why you came.
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend..."

I open my eyes, slightly. Is it time to wake up already? I roll over.
My mom comes in, "Hey, I'm heading off now. You better wake up and get things done. ...Do you hear me?!"
"Yes, yes. Have a good day." I responded without opening my eyes or even moving.
She leaves the room. My radio is still on, blasting slightly fuzzy music because of the reception. I don't want to wake up. Not yet. Just a few more minutes.

I start walking down the street to where my cousin's house is. Some punk kids start following me. Then I realize they're trying to avoid this younger kid who's trying to talk smack to them. But then I realize why they're rushing. The child is holding a gun. He asks me what I'm looking at and begins shooting at me. I run! In any other situation I would have beat this child senseless for being so rash and starting something with people older than him, but he had some leverage. I make it to my cousin's house. As I step into the old victorian house in what seems to be Russia, servants quickly take my supplies. They are glad to know that I made it in on time. Man! It's cold outside! They lead me to my room. And there she is. I give her a hug and a kiss. Pure joy seeps into every part of my weary self. We are in bed. As I sit at the edge of the bed I begin to feel uncomfortable for being so exposed. She's still laying in the bed. "Don't be like that," she says with a smile as she sits up, "It's my birthday and you know it." I smile back and reach over to hold her. We embrace. Both fully exposed. I haven't felt this happy in years.
Then it clicks. This is Nikki.

I sit up in bed, fast. Allright time to wake up.



These past few days I've been busy. Not extremely or anything, but enough to keep me interested.
My classes are going well. Drawing 1 is making me go bonkers. It seems that the professor's methods all involve my main weakness; memory and speed. My memory is shot and everyone knows I'm not entirely too quick, physically speaking. I like to take things slow and steady. But, I guess my professor knows how to bring out the best in people or whatever, so yeah.
Also, me and the other youth leader met with Pastor Rey. Things still aren't at their best, but the way I figure is that we're making a little bit of progress. Not so much church wise, but at least with the youth. He gaves us the go ahead to have fundraisers and there apparently ARE people who are interested in leading the youth. Why they haven't told me or Brooke is BEYOND ME. But I'll track them down. They cannot escape the clutches of helping the youth.
Also, work is going down the crap hole. Neither my supervisor nor the other high school tutor want to continue working there. So, they're both going to leave. If this happens that only leaves ME there. Yeah... I'm not doing that. So, the moment they're gone, I'm gone. I love these kids, but I don't love them THAT much. Whatever, it's the truth.
And currently I'm cleaning my room. I found an old journal of mine. It's weird. I can't believe so much time has passed. Oh well.
Allright, so I gotta go. And don't worry, in due time will come my story.

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"MAN I'm hungry!" I thought.
So, trip to Taco Bell?
I'd be delighted!

And as I drove to the Taco Bell which is hardly more than 5 blocks away, as I passed by the highschool (a block away from my house). I saw something. Nah! There's no way I just saw someone riding a horse. Hm... I turn around to make sure I'm not going crazy. Again. No, YUP! It's someone riding a horse. At midnight. In the streets. The streets of White Settlement, Texas, granted, but STILL. There's no place for horses near by. Not for a few miles, at least. And even then, midnight? in this neighborhood? practically a suburb of Fort Worth.

***Side Note: I know it's called White Settlement. I hate it along with half of the rest of White Settlement, if not the world. The name originated from the fact that this was, in fact, the first settlement of white folk into native american land crossing the Trinity River. There's a museum and everything. So, I assure you it's NOT as redneck as it sounds. Heck, we're getting more and more hispanics, blacks, and filippinos by the day. So, it's not racist. It's just... labeled correctly in a wrong era.***

So, I keep driving to Taco Bell. More perplexed then ever. There's these two HUGE trucks in front of me in line. I get the feeling they're going to take a while. They were talking to each other side by side when I first got there. I look in my rearview mirror and I see the horse again.

"I've always wanted to learn to ride a horse, I say."
Then it hits me. How often does one get an opportunity like this???

So, I drive out and head towards the horse and it's rider. I pull up right beside.
The lady rider screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
"Uh... Nothing. I responded. Just wanted to say HI."
She approaches with her horse cautiously. "That all?"
"Well, I must admit, I've always kinda wanted to learn to ride a horse."
"Oh," she responds, "I was worried it was those guys that tried to shoot at us earlier."
"What? Seriously?"
"Oh, yeah! We've even gotten chased down before." she gets even closer to my passenger window. "If you want to pull around where you can park, so we can talk..."
"Allright. I'll meet you there in a sec!" I say.

At this point I'm thinking MAN! What a lucky break! How often does something like this happen!?
Little did I know...

I drive around to get into one the residential streets and park. I get out of my car as she gets closer to me with her horse. This is when things began to seem a little odder. Her horse was incredibly short. It wasn't quite a pony, but it sure as hell wasn't no regular lookin' horse.

"What's yer name?" she asked me.
"I'm Aldo, nice to meet you." I tell her as I shake her hand.
"Eldo?" she says.
"Aldo. It's like Waldo, but without the 'w'." I respond, much as I have countless others with a similar question.
"I'm Tabbitha. And this is Trixie." she says as she pats her horse.
She then slides down off her horse.
Now, I just felt like this was surreal.
She stood no taller than 4 feet 7 inches, I wanna guess. She had long natural dark blonde hair that reached well past her shoulders. She wore a long dark green coat and large thick glasses. And the way she spoke let me know she was texan and either not too well educated or educated enough not to give a damn how she spoke.
"That's weird! I've never had an adult wantin to learn to ride a horse!" She exclaimed with complete amusement and bewilderment. She then proceeded to tell me how long she's had the horse. How usually only 9 year olds or so show interest in learning to ride. That horses can get pretty tempermental about things and that's why she was out walking her; making sure she knew what each tug and such meant. Meanwhile, I'm standing outside in 30 degree weather with nothing but short sleeves. I asked her for her phone number so I could get in contact with her. She tells me she doesn't have a phone, but she stays in contact with a friend named "Dave" and gave me his phone number.

She then looked at me and asked, "Do you wanna hop on?"
"Right now?!" I asked in shock. Didn't I have to get to know the horse first or something? I mean, go to the movies, maybe a quiet dinner afterwards or something??? Seriously? Just 'Hop on it'?
"Uh... sure." I said. I didn't know what else TO say.
"Well, you gotta pet her first, though. Don't want to freak her out or nothin'."
There we go. That's what I thought. I knew it had to be harder than just that.
I pet the horse for a second. She talked to the horse. Amidst the things she said, one of them was, "Don't worry. We're almost home."

Wait. WHAT? Pardon?
What does she mean "almost home?"

"Where exactly do you live?" I asked.
"Oh, just up there at those apartments. She's lucky. She's the only one that gets a room of her own." she responds.

Wait. What? Huh? Did I hear...? Yup.
Well.
Allright...

I've been in theatre folks. I've had friends who enjoyed covering a car with stuffed rabbits and driving around. We would say things like "Chickenpot, chickenpot, chickenpot pie!" in public places for no reason. I know crazy. And if there's one thing I've learned...

..............When things get crazy, don't ask questions.................

You know why? Because it won't matter. It won't make sense. Alice in Wonderland ring any bells to anyone? I assure you. I know crazy.

"Oh, ok." I tell her in the most understanding and uncurious way possible.
"So, you ready to get on?" She asks.
"Actually, I'm going to have to say 'no'. But in all honesty, simply because I'm terribly cold."

I know many of you might believe that was a lie. I assure you it wasn't. I also assure I really don't have any questions. No, I'm not wondering all the thousands of questions one could be asking in a situation like this. I'm honestly at peace with the crazy.

I bid her a good night and a safe one at that. She did the same for me. I told her I'd be getting in contact with her and drove off as she rode off.

I then went to Taco Bell. I got my usual;
"Hi, I'd like a number 7, please, with a Baja Blast. Oh yes,... and Cheesy Gordita Crunch."

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In shambles is how I reside.

Metaphorically and otherwise. Don't get me wrong; I know where everything is. If I wanted something all I'd have to do is go look under things. I know exactly where. Thing is I often don't like to dig. Not recently anyways. I used to love it. You get that nostalgic feeling.
A picture here. A note there.
A memory here. A love there.
But things are different now. It's all just pain if I start to look. So I let things get buried and buried. Now it's just all piling up. I know I'll have to clean it. I know this won't be able to stay forever, but I'm having trouble. It's alot of pain. So I do it in small increments.

I've shared this story a few times since it's happened. I guess recently, though I've let alot of things stack on top of it. And as I start to dig I realize just how sad it all is. How sad I've made it. I don't know how to feel. I know part of me is upset. I don't know why.
So, as I'm digging in the recesses of my mind for the story that's now left my life in shambles, it's taking time. So, in a bit of time I will get it all straight. It's all just a bit buried. I'm even attempting to find all the music, just to have something auditory to go along with it.

Again, I must warn you it's long and it's not fun.

Maybe a day or so more.

It's just rough...

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.We talked. I handed him his stuff. He showed me some things on his computer.
Told him I had to go. I got to the door. It was then that I had my shot.

."Look, I know you don't want to talk about it, but I have to. You don't have to say a thing. All I'm asking for is for you to just listen. I'm sorry, I haven't talked to you. I had to give myself time to calm down, which I now have. I was upset because you've upset mom and there is NO ONE that I get more defensive about than mom. I know that I can't begin to place myself in the situation that you're in and now how you feel, so I cannot blame you for making the decisions that you make. However, all I ask is that you consider at least trying to work things out with my mom. Not just for her, or for me, or anyone else, but for you. I know what can happen if you bottle up emotions and thoughts. I'm not saying that you'd ever do what I did, but I'm certain that whatever your feeling and thinking WILL come out in one way or another. I just don't want to see more people get hurt because of something simple like talking things out. I love you and your still my brother. Whatever you need just let me know."

.I looked at him in the eyes, and decided against it. Everything that I had thought out. All of it. Out the window. I never told him all that I just wrote. I just said have a goodnight and that I hoped his family would arrive safely tomorrow. He wished me a goodnight, too, and commented on the cold weather. I smiled and said goodnight.
.I then drove to Taco Bell and got me a number 7, Oh yeah...

.I've warned people that this day would come. That the day that I would have the ability, the shot, the opportunity to give my advice, my warnings, my whatever, and I wouldn't take it. He may have listened. He may not have. But I'm happier for not doing so. I'm happier knowing that I conquered this anger I had. That I forgave him without ever having to say a thing. I'm also happier knowing that I could have given him a treasure that he could have cast aside, but instead kept to myself. Call it what you will, but I'm beyond tired of handing out "pearls of wisdom" (what little I do have), only for people to trade them in for rotting garbage.


.Speaking of,
I'm putting this to a vote. In light of some recent events, I've thought of posting an entry of my story. One that I often allude to in many entries involving a girl and some disastrous situations. It's long, but hey, if you're interested. And mind you, this is incredibly personal. In fact I may post it as private and anyone who is interested may request the password.
.All in favor, say AYE.

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. He called again today.

. I screamed into the phone. Robyn asked what was wrong. I told her my brother was calling on the other line. I knew what I had to do. I told her I had to let her go. "Wish me luck," I said, like usual.
. I called him back. I said, "Heywhatsup?" I didn't mean to sound so rushed. He said nothing really and asked if I was busy. I said no. He asked if I would do him a big favor. I said "Depends..." He asked, "Why? Are you about to go do something?" I laughed, louder than I meant to. "No, that's just what I always say. I don't want to say yes and have someone ask me for my soul or something." He then asked me for the same thing he's been asking since weeks ago. I asked if he needed it tonight or if I could do it tomorrow morning. He said the kids were coming in tomorrow. That he's trying to get everything ready. Ready for what? Beats me...
. Now I'm about to go out to my backyard. Gather his kid's toy boxes in the shed. Put them in my Jeep. Take them to him. And we'll see what happens from there...
. God be with me.

. All of this of course without my mom knowing.

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