I'm on the edge of change.

I think, anyways... I think Robyn and I finally understand each other. We talked last night. And I find it odd that out of all times for her to call she called last night. By "her" I mean Nikki, my ex. She called while I was with Robyn. I don't know why she did. What inspired her. She said listening to Blue October. I didn't answer, but I had text messaged her later after Robyn went home. She said she was sorry for leaving me when I needed someone. I said that she did far more than just that, but I'm sure that she had to do it for whatever reason. I told her that I wasn't going to school anymore and that I may not be around for much longer. She said that wasn't too big of a deal. I said that I felt like I was just losing myself. She said that I was just giving up on myself. I told her that I may be. Her second to last message said "Don't", quickly followed by another text that said, "I'm going to sleep. I'll pray for you." I responded with a simply "you're too late". I don't know what she thought she would accomplish. Nobody ever really seems to fully grasp my life and situations.
In either case, I'm about to tell another person in hopes of some understanding (and who knows? maybe even guidance) in a few minutes. She's on the phone. I left her a note saying to let me know when she has a moment to talk. I'm terrified. I'm ashamed. I feel like just getting in my Jeep, putting all the money I have for gas, drive as far away as possible. Then get out when my Jeep dies. And start walking...
I almost did it a little over a year ago... God didn't let me. I didn't get far... I don't know why He didn't let me. I'm sorry if this is something difficult for some of you to read, but I don't just believe in God, I know He's there. If you don't believe than just humor me and go along with it. It'll help a little to understand me. I would have taken my Jeep had it been working, but I had run over a mail box (another un-normal thing that happened). So I just got up out of my couch and ran out my door. I left my cell phone behind. Nothing but the clothes on my back. I started walking south. I was terribly thirsty after a 3 hours. But I was far more content. I felt like I had gotten everything off of my shoulders. Like I was finally free. So, I decided to stop by Sack N' Save. As I began to walk closer to there I decided not to. I looked too crazy to just waltz on in like nothing. And I knew that there was a risk of bumping into someone. As I began to pass it a truck exited and followed me until it could park in the parking lot next to the Sack N Save to intercept the direction that I was going in. The window rolls down. It was my cousins. I was utterly confused. Shocked. Frightened. I considered turning around and bolting. I decided not to. My cousin Oscar could take me against me will if he had to. He's hardcore. Once, while working on rebuilding a house he cut open his hand and instead of going to the hospital he sterilized a needle and sowed himself up. So I stood there. His wife (my actual cousin) got out and with tears in her eyes came up to me and hugged me as hard as she could and asked me what was wrong or something to that effect. I cried as well. I felt like there was nothing I could do. This was my slave ship taking me back. My warden. They found me. I was so close... So close to freedom. I was to go back and be enslaved to the life I had known and hated. I get home and my mom gives me a huge hug. My cousin Oscar talked to me for a bit. He helped me feel a bit better. He told me things I'd never heard anyone say before, especially coming from a man. Things like how proud he was of me. How he always hoped that his son would be half the man I was. I couldn't help but cry. He didn't freak out at me crying. Later after they left me and my mom talked. All the while I thought my mom had called and sent them to go find me, which would have been crazy enough for them to find me where they found me anyway. But no. After I ran out my mom got on her knees and prayed. My mom and God are far closer than me and Him have probably ever been. My cousins had no idea of anything that was going. My cousin Oscar was supposed to be asleep already because he had to go to work early. They never go to Sack N' Save. They never go grocery shopping at night. Their daughter Ale was the one that saw me. There's a hundred things that normally don't happen that happened that night.
And now here I am.

My mom just called. She's not busy anymore...


Wish me luck or pray. Heck, do both.

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Sometimes days seem horrible. Sometimes they seem wonderful. Today happened to be an usual mixture of both. You start off with your usual humdrum depressing things that I concern myself with. Follow it up with an old lady flipping you off. And end it with a strange array of romantic feelings...

Yeah... I've decided on talking to my mom about things. I started to consider it once she started asking questions about school. I hate lying to her. When she didn't ask any question I didn't feel as guilty. Although, I'm thoroughly concerned on her reaction, along with many others, my main concern is finding my path. My direction. My Polaris, if you will. I know she'll be upset. I know I'll dissapoint quite a few people. But that's not my worry. I pray that somehow by talking to her I'll find something. Some sort of clue or stepping stone to finding my way. So, I guess I'm telling her because I'm down to my last hope. I've ran out of rope. At the edge of a cliff. She's my last chance. This is what I spent my morning concentrating on.

Then I made a U turn somewhere near my house and an old couple that were also getting on 341 honked at me. They didn't just honk at me. They held down the horn for a good minute. It wasn't because I almost hit them. Heck, they would of hit me if they had been going alot faster or weren't so far away when I started to make my U turn. But no, apparently they just didn't like that I made a U turn. So this old couple, and I mean OLD, like in their 80's OLD, started tailgating me. That's when I decided it was just too much. They don't own the road. So I let them know. One of the many wonders of my Jeep is it's ability to pee. You see, most Jeep cherokees have a back windshield wiper. Normal working windshield wipers spray water to the window. Mine has a little defect. But it works miracles. It, instead, sprays water in a stream away from my Jeep and unto whatever is behind me. And I'm not talking just a couple feet away. I'd say it can reach a 7 or 8 feet or so behind me. So I peed on them. They looked beyond shocked. It was totally worth having the old lady flipping me off. It was almost as good as when the Sheriff honked at me.

Then I went to work... I thought it would just be a regular day. I'd go to work, followed by a youth night, then go to bed feeling not quite there. But something changed today. It was ever so slight of a change. But it feels good. You see, there's this co-worker, her name is Ceci. I've liked her since the moment I saw her. She's very pretty. She's goofy and witty... she's just wonderful. But she's 24. And what I would consider, way out of my league. My only problem is that I feel nearly every girl is way out of my league. In the love department, I have horrible self-esteem. With reason, but still. And I know that. So I know that I honestly have no idea what my worth is. But so far, I just can't believe I'm worth all that much. But still, I think she's too wonderful for me. And sometimes I'd get the feeling that she liked me. But then I quickly start to believe that that's just how she is. She's friendly and funny. You know, I'm not anything special in her eyes, I'm sure. And there's always moments where we don't talk to each other at all while at work. But when we do... I don't know... I could just be romanticizing it, but it feels like there's a connection there. I don't know. It's probably just my imagination. I try to look in her eyes and see if I can read her. Read how she feels about me. But I can't discern anything. Well, her and her best friend, who happens to be our supervisor, were going to a new Starbucks after work because they were having free samples and such. They invited me and the other tutors. I said I would go. I figured I could squeeze it in before I had the youth night. Well, Christina, the supervisor, Ceci, and me got there right after work. It looked like they might take a while. And I realized I wouldn't have time. I apologized and left. When I got in my Jeep and began to call the youth, I realized a major problem; they all had things to do. No one was going to go to the youth night, save for Paul. Well, I figured there would be no point in it then. So I canceled the youth night. And as I began driving away I realized, "I can either go home and do what the usual... or..." So I drove back to Starbucks. I walked back in. Christina seemed to be in a rush. I sat next to them and had myself a couple samples of pumpkin pie muffins and other such Starbuky things. I was there less than 3 minutes when Christina said, "Ok, I have to go. I have things to do. Bye guys." So I'm here waiting for Ceci to say that she also has things to do and she must go as well. She didn't do that until nearly two hours later... We talked on and on. Had ourselves some more samples. She colored a postcard there. I fell in love with Peppermint Mocha. And as I sat there wondering what was happening, wondering if this was for real, an employ comes up to us and offers either one of us a Peppermint Mocha that he had made on accident. The Starbucks was full, why he offered to me, I'll never know. Ceci didn't want any. But that's definitely not my casual luck. Well, it hasn't been for years anyways. But it was a great time. I really like her. She has such wonderful goals and personality. She wants to some day have either run a program or a shelter that rehabilitates teenagers. She's so great... But again, I don't see this going anywhere. The same way that I know I won't be able to afford coming to Starbucks frequently and getting myself a Peppermint Mocha, I know that she won't be a part of my life. But I'm just wonderfully content that for at least ONE night, I was able to have something as wonderful as a Peppermint Mocha all to myself. Metaphor included.

Tonights entry is dedicated to a few very special people. Monica my dear wonderful friend who, though, hundreds of miles away and with a very full life of her own still keeps up with my life through nutang. If only she would join as well! And for kKama. I feel I've been a bit rough with her, when in reality I'm just rough with those I love. She's been a loyal reader and has shown conern for my life which she has never had any obligation to. And of course all you other nutanger friends. Love you guys.

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When the weight of all the world's gone wrong...


I saw Deja Vu earlier with Robyn and her friend Timmy. It got me thinking. Not hardcore thinking, like usual, but still. I wonder, had I the ability to go back and change anything, would I? could I? It seemed timed so perfectly. Everything. Down to every pain staking move the world made. God was there. I know He was. But I know there was more than just Him. But why? What was the purpose? Some seem to believe I blame God and other paranormal things for what happened. I don't blame them. In Moe's words "...at the end of the day you are still presented with a choice." But everything else leading to some of those choices. That couldn't be changed. It couldnt' be altered. At the end of the day I kept screwing myself over. Do I honestly subconsciously detest myself this much? Or am I trully this blind? ...it's probably the latter. It still makes my mind whirl, though...

I pray some day, someone, anyone, gives me the answers...
I know I probably won't be content with the answer. But at least I'll have that.

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I lay there, on the edge of someone else's bed and in a room that's not my own, loneliness wrapped around me like a blanket. A blanket that no matter how much I snuggled into, I could find no warmth in. Fighting off dreams that vear off into possible nightmares. It's hard not to fall back asleep, though. It seems that the real nightmares are in the place I see when my eyes are wide open. For the past few weeks, if not months, or possibly even over a year now, I would let myself fall into such a coma. In a place where I, nor nothing else, exists. This time it's different however, I want to fight. I want to open my eyes and be glad to have done so. Yet every time I open my eyes, Reality is there, inches from my face, staring back straight into the depths of my eyes with no trace of compassion.


I haven't been going to class. It's been over two months now, I think. Yet, every morning, I wake up early (in time to get to class, of course). I get ready. Have a quick breakfast, if time allows. Get in my Jeep. Get on 820 heading north towards campus. I then exit Silver Creek. Head west. Trough sharp curved roads sorrounded by trees. I park at "Camp Joy" park. I then do one of two things: I either get off and contemplate what the hell I'm doing, or if I'm still tired, I remain in my Jeep and sleep for a bit. After a few hours of having done so, I get back in my Jeep and go back about my regular business. As if nothing has happened. As if what was supposed to be done, was done. I go home. Get something to eat. Go to work. Then do whatever it is I do after work, depending on the day. Probably something with the youth. You know, lead. Guide. Direct. All the things that I lack.
Recently, though. I haven't even been going to the park. My friend Robyn, which you all may have heard off in previous blogs, has kindly allowed me to go hang out or sleep in her apartment. I mostly sleep. The moment I can, I leave. I care for her. I don't know why. She doesn't want to care for me. I know I deserve to be treated better. But then again, maybe I don't. I had what felt like a hundred dreams as I lay in her bed today. She laid "next to me", but what really seemed like the complete opposite side of the room. As if I was some stranger lying in that bed with her, not a friend she's known for years. The dreams had little sense. I kept kissing her. Then I'd realize that it couldn't be real and I'd wake up. But then we'd kiss after I'd wake up, only to realize I hadn't really woken up. And so on and so forth for a bit. In a couple of these odd scenarios she would be a little girl who would rapidly change into the girl she is now. Then I'd wake up. I also got upset and walked out of the office building and into the street where I flicked my cigarette in the direction I had come from. I was through with her crap. So, I lit another cigarette only for it to turn to ashes as quickly as it was lit. I'd try litting one after another, only for the same results to come about. I was frustrated with my cigarettes. Then I'd wake up. I was with my dad and he wanted to watch a movie. I got in my Jeep and drove by the Stock Yards here in Fort Worth. A white and brown bull in a pen was making a big fuss as I drove by. He busted out and chased my Jeep. It somehow caught up with my Jeep and went in front of me to face me. I tried to either back up or drive around it. Somehow I just couldn't. It rammed my Jeep. Then I'd wake up. At one point or another I got tired of all these dreams, forced myself awake. And left. This time it was real. I came home and slept until it was time to go to work. I slept an empty, dark, and dreamless sleep.


I'm not happy with the way things are now. Not that it takes a Freud to figure that out.


I don't know what to do. I'm not looking for help this go around. I'll listen to any thoughts, but this time I've realized this a far deeper hole than I thought I was in. No one seems to grasp my situation. Not clearly anyway. The few that do are as lost about it as I am.
My dad's feeling guilty about how he's been spending his money. My mom brought to his attention that we know of all the vacations he takes with the other woman and his family. He tried to deny it for a second. My mom told him to not even try it. So he's sending my mom and me to the Bass Hall to watch the Nutcracker. I'm excited. He's also wanting to send me on vacation to London. Just me. I fear if he does that, I may not want to return. I'm crazy and desperate enough to do it, too. All I'd have to do, is keep lying about the son they think they have. Keep pretending that I'm something to be proud of... just long enough to get on that plane. Just long enough to find a way out.
I'm such a wretched being... I hate lying to my mom. Even to my ill-mannered father. But I just don't know what to do... I don't know.


Maybe I'm just far more broken inside than I ever realized.

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Change of plans

If you can call it that.
My mom had her surgery last friday. She had an oblation on her liver. For those who have no earthly idea what's going on, which should be the vast majority of you, if not all of you, here's the skivvy:
Firstly this isn't something I share with many people, and this is an understatement. I'm not ashamed, or prideful, or anything like that. I'm just not the type to be all open to my troubles or my family's troubles with everyone. In most cases, the only place where I actually DO share anything personal is on a blog of some sort. Recently, I have been a nutang devotee, of course, though. But I just hate for people to start pitying me or trying to talk to me about stuff. Secondly, if I was open about all my troubles people would think that I was some sort of person that loves to be negative. The truth is that things are just rough with me and have been for a while now. I neither need pity nor misjudgements. So this is what's going on with my mom.
She was diagnosed with a tumor the summer before my junior year in high school, four years ago. After the operation it was found to be malignant. Since then things have gone horribly awry. Me and my mom have changed an unnatural amount since then. Here in Fort Worth there is only two cousins that have their own families. My dad lives in Minesotta. My brother then lived in Mexico with his family and the rest of ours. So it was just me and my mom. At first our church was there for us 24/7. This is when I realized just how much of a part of our church we were. But since then, my mom has, after MUCH chemo and treatments, gotten rid of the cancer. Then it's come back. And left. And come back. This last time the doctor told us that this probably wouldn't be something that would ever get better. This will just become part of routine until then. She's at level 4D. The most advanced. It's started in the colon, and now is in the liver. She's gone bald once, she's had a collapsed lung, she's gone through the emergency room because of a clog in her lung, she's vomitted left and right, she's been fine, she's been horrible, she's gone through hell. All the while she had two jobs. One is as a middle school cafeteria lady, where she has to do hard labor despite her condition because her manager thinks it would be unfair to everyone else. The manager gives my mom hell and tells her that she's using her problems as excuses. The other job that she had up until a year ago when the place shut down was at an arcade inside the mall.
She's done alot. She's gone through alot...

I don't have pictures up here yet just because I haven't had time to figure all this out yet, but if you'd like to see a picture of her you can go to my "dreaded" myspace. www.myspace.com/elessar257

So, she had her surgery.

And I spin on ice again.

I can't leave her. And I can't stay. I die either way.

I often go to my friends with problems because I often wonder if I'm not seeing all sides of something, or I fear I may be turning insane.
But I'm not mistaken. I'm screwed. There's no way I can turn. Not only am I screwed, everyone else is screwed as well. I've lost me. And I can't find my strength anymore. Things get foggier every day.
I feel like Bilbo in the Mirkwood Forest. He roams around in the pitch black, grasping at whatever he can, at random he'd see light in a distance. He would draw nearer and hear some sort of feast or banquet. But each time he'd get through the clearing, everything would go dark. As if nothing was ever there. No light, no laughter, no warmth. Was it in his mind? he wondered.

So, I'm lost. Maybe I should just stop searching. Maybe it's like that time I lost my mom at the mall. We spent three hours looking for each other. We were pissed when we found each other. It's not a big mall. Somehow we managed to keep missing each other because we were both walking around the whole mall. Maybe if I just sit tight long enough...

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"First of all

When you wake up in the evening and the day is shot
Find yourself complaining 'bout the thing you ain't got
Never crossed just the way that you wanted it to
Cliche of the day, cest la vie that's just

Life, it ain't easy
It's so tough
It ain't easy
(Whatchu wanna do, say whatchu gonna do)
Put a smile on your face
Make the world a better place
Put a smile on your face
(Whatchu wanna do, say whatchu gonna do)
Put a smile on your face
Make the world a better place
Put a smile on your face
(Whatchu wanna do, say whatchu gonna do)

And another thing

You can say that I'm a dreamer and you think it's uncool
Preaching 'bout the better life I learned in school
But you get what you give in this life that we live
And all that you do come back to you

Yo,
When things isn't right there's no need to fight
Come on be nice
No need to fight
Stay polite even when you're hurting don't forget to smile
Give love to (?)
When you do good you'll get your reward
United with undivided we fall
Put a smile on your face and greet one and all

People love you when you smile
And hate you when it's through
Lots of happiness
We are wishing you
If you come from Jamaica or Honolulu, yeah
Keep a smile on your face
I'll see the good that you do

Smile (smile)
And everything will be fine.. "


Ok, ok... so not the same Vitamin C that I need, but it's still a good song. I'm a bit sick and I'm waiting to get past it. Hopefully the REAL vitamin C that I took will help. And the tea. And the chicken soup. And the grilled cheese sandwhich... MAN do I know how to pamper someone that's sick or what? Even if it's my own self that I'm pampering. I guess years of doing it to others gives me an advantage.

Speaking of which,
I appreciate ALL OF YOU wonderful nutangers who dropped some advice. Every little bit helped.
So, I'm proud to say: I'VE FOUND DIRECTION!
Granted it's "an impassible labrynth of razor sharp rocks. And after that, it get's even better! Festering, stinking marshlands, far as the eye can see!"
Ok, ok, ok. So it's not that bad, but I've definitely picked an untimely difficult road. (Major props to anyone that can guess correctly where that last line was from)
After much prayer, thought, and asking nearly every person I've known or sometimes even barely know, I've come to this; I need to live for me. The one who made everything click was my long time theatre teacher, mentor and friend, Mrs. Ingrim. Which I suppose I should start calling her Sandra, since I'm no longer her student... But still.
After telling her how I felt and everything that's been going on she said this, "Well, this isn't anything I haven't heard before. You're always living for someone else. Having to constantly take care of others. ...and if you keep down this road you're going to crash and burn. You're going to be bitter and wonder what could have been. And there's no more that I can tell you that I haven't already told you before."
My jaw dropped.
That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. People told me to pray about it and I grew frustrated, because I felt like God wasn't answering my prayers. When in reality he had been. The fact that I've had SO MUCH difficulty going to school and doing some of the things I've been doing was an obvious sign that I wasn't happy. When people would suggest that I stay and help my mom it made me uneasy. I've been helping my mom out for YEARS now. Since I was practically a child, actually. I didn't want to just stay here and wait for her to pass away or something like that. Who knows how long my mom will have cancer for?! As far as I know, yeah, she could die tomorrow, but also, she could be alive for years and years more always struggling with this. And Mrs. Ingrim is right. I would definitely be bitter about it.
I came here for what I needed to do. Spend time with my mom, my family. Get things straight. But it's time for me to find my own life now. And I can't do it here. School also doesn't seem to be of interest to me right now. Even though this would seem like suicide to thousands of people out there. This is my course of action. I know where I'm headed. I know it may seem like I'm purposely screwing myself over, but I assure you that I would never be happy if I went down those other paths.

So, there it is. I've set myself out on a near kamikase mission, but I swear I'm only saving myself from demise.

If I stay in these doldrums of my life, if I lose myself in trying to save others, I will only break my mom's heart and let everyone that I love and hold dear down, because I couldn't keep myself above water, much less others.


Again I thank you all for your help. It means alot to me. And I assure you, it won't be forgotten.

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