It's come to my attention that lists are a good thing.
So, heck, I'll start my own.

I've spent most of my time ever since my breakup not knowing what I want to do. No plans, no direction. Still don't think the whole "getting married and having kids" thing is in my future. By choice, that is.

So, here's a list of things that I've honestly wanted to always do:

1. Start smoking. Yeah, yeah. I know. Don't care. Only reason I haven't yet: $

2. Get a tattoo.

3. Live in my own beat up efficiency.

4. Ride my bike to wherever I work.

5. Go to Australia.

6. Go to London.

7. Dissapear off the face of the planet for a short while. Only I would know where I'm at. No one else.

8. Do something incredibly impactful. I don't care if people ever know who I am or remember me. But impact this world in such a way that years down the road, things are vastly different than they would have been. When I say "world", I mean anything from a small community, to anything bigger than that. All I need, is an opportunity. I also need to decide whether I want the impact to be good or bad... lol

9. Paint/Draw/do art more.

10. Learn to be self-reliant and not depend on technological things. Maybe I should become Amish for a bit? I know how to!



Awesome. So, yeah, dumb list. Many people will probably agree. Especially since it's such a small list. But screw them. I don't want to become a god, like others. I'm quite content being a hobbit, thank you very much.

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It's 3 am.
I'm pissed.

There's a knot on my right shoulder. I want to kill it before it kills me. Seriously.
I haven't had these knots for a long while. Since before that summer.
I know now why. Part of it is my brother. My stupid ass brother. My stupid ass bastard of a half brother. He called yesterday while I was at work. He didn't leave a voicemail. I never called him back. My mom told me today that my aunt told her it was because his van brokedown. She said, "I told you it had to be for a reason." I looked at my mom with the most apathetic look I could possibly get, "I guess he didn't really need me. He didn't leave a voicemail." I've told me my mom already, if he refuses to talk to her then he's not my brother. He's my brother because of my mom. Without her there is no me.
My shoulders are tensing more.
My mom tells me to forgive and calm down. Do the christian thing. I've always told everyone, "You can do whatever you want to me, say whatever, destroy whatever, I won't care, but mess with my mom... you better pray you die quickly along with all your family." My mom is beyond my soft spot. You jab there and your certain to die. I've snapped at my friends for even mentioning her. And no, I feel no remorse over it. I warn everyone equally. If you dare to step over the line, you get what's coming to you.
Nevertheless, this is something that can and will only be worked out when I talk to him. It's only a matter of time...

The other thing under my skin, that has caused me such disturbing dreams, is a dear friend of mine. There is one other thing that'll piss me off, if you ask for my advice and you don't take it. It didn't used to be bad. It's just slowly progressed to this. It's as if my words carry no weight. They mean nothing. A vast nothing...
The concept of nothing has always drawn me in. What's nothing? What's the value of zero? Can one really define it? To one living in the city, it would mean a moonless night. Nothing. But that is such a facade in itself. Anyone who's been out in the country knows that. The night sky isn't empty. It's full of vast marvelous lights. It's never ending. That's one of the things that's always drawn me to Zanzibar's site. It always reminds me of what a lie this world tries to sell me. That we are the only things here. We are the only things that matter. That there is nothing above us. She knows the truth. I know the truth. There's life everywhere! Even if it's not really "alive". Heck dirt isn't alive. But you can shape into such wonderous things and it almost seems as if it is. It's speaks to some of us, I've heard. Much as stars and moons, speaks to others. But they are not "alive", not really. I love it.
I dwell in this truth. I love the truth. Once you start to get closer and closer to the truth everything else that is a lie becomes nothing more than a disgusting thing. When someone tells you something as simple as "Wish you luck!" when in reality they could give a rat's ass, it's as if someone came up to you and opened your mouth and grabbed their own excrement and force fed it to you. Pretty vile, huh? Imagine what a stronger lie entails.
All this to say that these lies, which even though were not intentional, have driven me mad. I didn't realize it 'till today. Now anything she says means this "nothingness" that I spoke of earlier. Nay, "nothingness" is a concept still up for debate. What she says means lies. I know she doesn't mean it. I know she really cares. But her heart is somewhere else. It's tangled in all these webs her hometown built for her. If she could but only see that the longer she remains there, the more time the spider has to get her. But as often is the case, if she just shakes about in the web and doesn't come free, the only thing she's doing is calling the spider to come down for dinner.

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Inspiring movies really should make one feel inspired.

That's definitely not what's been happening recently. Ever since... Well, back in the day the movie Bruce Almighty always inspired me to stop bitching about things and really start doing things for the better. Things are different now. I tried watching it once after the aftermath. I had to go to the bathroom to cry near the end. Couldn't cut it, I guess. It was embarassing when one of my youth walked in on me. I just watched it again. Nope not any better. I feel torn. Like part of me is glad about the whole message of the movie. Then there's this other part of me that is so upset. I guess I'm just that selfish, you know. "What is you trully want?" asks Morgan Freeman as God. "Grace..." responds Jim Carrey as Bruce in refferrence to his girlfriend. "You want her back?" asks God. "No... I want her to be happy" was what Bruce responded.
She's happy now. I'm not sure what I want now, anymore. But I know that I did want her back. I always wanted her back...
Save for the one moment I was going to let her go. How cruel of a moment that was. What did that mean? It meant nothing.
All that I share with you now has no emotion. I've said all of this so many times that I've learned to lock it all in. I figure that's what it is anyways.
But if it's so wrong to have wanted her back for selfish reasons why do others get that? Why do others get that happy ending?


I need to go for a walk. They used to calm me down. I know this one won't. But at least I'll lose some of the fat I gained last night.

I'm still angry. I'm still pissed. I need out.

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And dreamt two tigers. One black and white. One orange and black. Both lived inside a house with people. They were pets. They both attacked me...


To dream of Tigers:

"To dream that you are attacked by a tiger, symbolizes repressed feelings or emotions that frighten you."
-http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/t2.htm

"This large and very beautiful cat can symbolize power, anger, unforgiving vengeance, great force, and cunning. Tigers cannot be ignored, and usually they get exactly what they go after. "
-http://www.dreamloverinc.com/t.htm#Tiger

"Dreaming that you are attacked by a tiger means overwhelming gloom and disappointing failures. You may find yourself distressed and tormented by rivals."
-http://www.hyperdictionary.com/dream/tiger


Some nights
it seems the darkness envelops everything
and the night's cool breeze seeps through to your heart.
It's nights like these that call to me.
Beckon me to leave what I know
and dance in the wild.
For all that I've known,
for all that I've lost,
and for all that's to come.

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Saw the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness". Made me feel worthless. It's a good thing.
Once in a while we need someone or something to point out just the things what we're missing.



Although... I must admit it's harder to fight for something that you haven't even seen. Rather, something you haven't even concieved. Why? Because you don't have it. No dreams or goals to follow. Just a fight. A fight to keep the hope alive for a dream that does not exist.


Yet, a preview struck a chord I hadn't expected. It was of no surprise that merely seeing the poster whispered something to me... I'm listening.




But still... A dream may just be hidding in the depths of my heart, waiting for the opportune time to blossom.




I'm waking up early tomorrow. No death for me just yet, thank you.
I'll find the money, even if I have to rob a gypsy, I'll get it. $600 bucks for one semester that promises nothing. The promise must be made between me and I.
I will go to school and get out of this rut.

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