Interesting days.

I was really upset a while back. My mom's surgery was going to be the 26th of June, or so I thought, in the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. And that fell right during the Summer Component, where I'll be working. I figured I could get a couple days off, but my mom said her recovery might take a week or more. She also told me she really needed me to work, since we won't be making any money any other way. So, I'd have to stay here, while my mom went to surgery. I was pissed. It was the stupidest situation. Then my mom and I were talking and somehow we came across the surgery and when it was happening... My mom meant May, not June. I felt so incredibly idiotic yet relieved. So, a week from now I'll be in Minnesota with my mom getting ready for her surgery on the 30th (I got the day wrong, too). I'm really glad that I got to go, but at the same time... Well, It's STILL a surgery. Not exactly something to be glad over. I can tell my mom's worried about this one. I'm not going to lie. I am, too.

Yesterday, I took my friend, Monica, to her interview. She's going to be working at the Boys and Girls Club Summer Component along with me. While we were thereI learned of the staff meeting we were having at 4:30 that day. A staff meeting I was supposed to already know about. Awesome. But I'm used to that where I work. So, me and Moe (Monica) went back to my house and watched her senior directed one act play, "the Respectful Prostitute"', which was quite enjoyable and very well done (of course). Then we made our way down to where the staff meeting was being held, at Texas Wesleyan University in the ghetto's part of town. During this meeting Moe and I both noticed trouble.
First off, I do NOT want to be Mr. Theriot's teacher assistant. Lord Farquad (Mr. Theriot) will drive me insane, I know he would. Rather, the students in his class would, simply because of who the teacher is.
Secondly, there's some attractions to certain people from certain people. And we don't want none of that in the work place. Great.

After I dropped Moe off, I made my way to a gathering of some people from church. It's a small group whose intents are to raise the bar for each other spiritually and to bring up servant leaders. So, they're having a block party at one of the member's houses to invite the neighbors over to build a relationship with them. I think it's a neat idea. So we prayed over it and made the details of it all. One of them asked me about my mom. I told her what was going on. She said, "I'm sorry, Aldo." and put her hand on me to punctuate her point. I said, "It's allright." and smiled my usual awkward smile with this. But she didn't do what people normally do. They usually just turn away at that point or begin a new conversation. But she didn't do any of this. No, she just stared straight into my eyes. I felt the walls weaken for a second. NO. This is silly. I'm not about to draw attention to myself. I looked away and gathered myself. "It's allright!" I said as I looked back at her with an even bigger more confident smile. She nodded and looked away. I got up, right after that and walked to the kitchen to relieve my mind and thoughts of that situation.
To escape it's existence, like I usually do.
Or even it's memory.

I got home. I was really tired by 11pm.
I turned off the light. And fell asleep.
5 minutes later I woke up.
I then remained awake for the next 20 minutes.
I finally got tired of waiting and went online.
Still didn't get sleepy, but I knew I should rest.
I went to bed near to 1 am.
Turned off the light.
Still nothing
I turned it back on and began to read.
The first Harry Potter book entertained me.
Finally at nearly 2:30 am I began to get sleepy.
I turned off the light and zonked.



And I dreamt.

Despite everything in my life...

She still came.
In my dreams.
She ran after me.
I ran from her.
But she still came.
She caught me.
I ran again.
She was there when I stopped running.
Told me she didn't want me to leave.
It was hard for me not to smile at her.
I knew she was bad.
But I couldn't help what I felt.

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Staring up, everlasting.

That's how I wished to be.

I wished to take his place. It's place.

The heat was pouring down on me. Sweat drenched my in and out.
Unfortunately it wasn't that warm...

His cold, empty eyes pierced the sky. Pierce the sky.
Of course, the ground first...

It hurt.
Deep.
I haven't felt this pain in months.
It was ridiculous. It was retarded. Out of all things this shouldn't be what gets to me.
Not this.
I'm a fool.
Foolish for letting myself hope and care.
Foolhearted for feeling so much for something like this...


I opened the door and peaked at him.
His head was sticking slightly out the hole in the cage. Maybe he had been trying to get out. But he didn't look well. No, not well at all.

"The vet isn't in. He's only here when he has appointements. Would you like to set up an appointment?"
I looked at the pet-carrier and back at the receptionist.
"What time is your next available appointment?" I asked.
"2:45" she responded.
I looked at my watch. It was 9:30.
"...allright."

Maybe if he just drinks some water...
I put the water bottle up to his mouth.
Water dripped on the floor.
None was swallowed.
He looked at me. With those eyes... Those eyes.

The look. You never forget the look.
It's a sort of pleading mixed with sorrow and surrendering.
I stuck his head back in the cage.
I opened the cage door and pet him.
Come on, buddy. Just make it till 2:45.

I had called Helena so she could do me a favor when I had left the vet's office.
All the other vets in Fort Worth are by appointment only also.
One doesn't even see rabbits except on certain days because of his allergies.

I checked my watch.
It's 11:45.
I pet his head.
Then he breathed hard once.
Twice.
And a last time.

I stared.
I pet him.
I felt... nothing.

I looked at my door.
The vet.
I thought of punching it.
No. My anger wouldn't cease there.
And one hole in my door is enough.
The next would surely break it.

I called Helena.
I told her to cancel that appointment and hung up.
I didn't want to think about it.

I still hadn't showered.
I went to my bathroom and began to shower.
I hope none of my neighbors heard me.
The window was open.
Flashes went through my head of all I've come to lose.
In my life these things aren't few.
And it only promises more.
And the ones to come will be the most difficult of losses to come.

I cleansed myself as much as possible of all my filth.
In the end you're never trully clean, though.
Calm and cool, though.
Stoic, even.

I got dressed.
And went out to my backyard.
I found my shovel.
Right where I had left it last.
Where do I bury him?
Most of the places where already occupied.
...or previously occupied.
Probably rotted away and eaten by now.
Delicious food for the earth that craves life.
Hard to find a spot amidst all the roots.
"Everywhere I lie, there's a dirty great root sticking into my back."
And I wanted him to rest so I kept looking and digging.
I found a place between three trees.
I dug.
Earthworms wriggled as they were torn from the comfort and protection of their homes.
Went back to the garage.
Tried to get him out.
I couldn't.
It was too difficult...
During that short time his body had already become rigid and stiff.
I carried the cage out to his place.
Gently, I pushed his body into the living ground.

He stared up at me.
No.
He didn't.
He just stared.
Into nothing.

The sun beat down all in spots amidst the trees.
I took a picture.
I don't know why.
So, I would never forget I guess.
Though you never really can, I guess.
I then poured the moist earth on him.


Later that night I stared at my cieling.
Knowing he did the same.


Staring up.
Everlasting.

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