What makes a man a man?

I always thought I knew the answer to this.
I thought what makes a "man" meant nothing more than the male genitals. Culturally speaking, it's about the only thing everyone can agree on.
Then things began to get fuddled. Middleschool began and everyone started seperating. The girls wanted to be with girls and the guys wanted to be guys. Each discussing similar interests. Boys spoke about cars, tv, hunting, sports, and sex. Girls spoke about boys and petty social things, like how Jenniffer totally looked like a slut with all that make-up and how she used to be cool until she totally backstabbed her best friend for some stupid boy.
I never really fit into either of those catagories. I felt boys were too insensitive and rather stupid about things they spoke about. Girls never really invited me into their circles because I was a boy and who really wanted to hang out with a bunch of giggly, moody girls anyway?
Slowly I began to make friends with those who also seemed to be social outcasts. Luckly it seemed that outcasts thrived in public schools. However, the more and more I made friends I noticed that the most accepting where the girls. Guys were so stand-offish and never really talked about anything REAL.
This is when I started to get educated in the real difference between the two...

Now, I'm here.
Still at a loss.

It seems to me now that girls are absolutely the most evil creatures on this planet with nothing but selfish desires to drive them. Meanwhile, though men are slower in thought and make frequent mistakes, they are more sensitive, more loyal, more honest, more true. And let me assure you, not every package carrying bi-ped is a man. Being a man is far more than just that. It takes something that not everyone can achieve. However, the most important trait that I've noticed that true men share is this: they have trully, deeply been hurt by a woman.

I hate to sound so masogynistic. I love women. I love my own mother more than any other thing on this planet. My closest friends ARE women. Not just girls, but women, the utter true and best definition you can find of one.

Yet, through out my life I've done nothing more than to try and please them... Every single one of them. Why? Because I love them. Individually. Not because of their looks, nor their bodies, nor their sex, but because of all that they are, but most importantly, because of the love they've shown me. Love that I have come to fear now. A love that I now recoil from.

A glance. A smile. A second look.
I get them. Not often, but on occassion. They look at me. They see me. They want me. Mentally. Emotionally. Romantically. Spiritually. Sexually.
I speed up my pace. I avoid eye contact. If I could, I would flee in terror.
They no longer offer the same blessings that they once did. A comforting embrace has turned to a bed of thorns. Each thorn pulsing with desire to make me bleed, to draw out my life source and leave me to die. What I claimed to be love has turned sour and bitter in my mouth. And all I can do now is choke on the poisoned apple that once slid so smoothly down my throat.

What has happened to me?
Am I trully as doomed I feel?

I am not content.




But I don't want to fooled again.

The next time...
Well,... there won't be a next time.







P.S. to the PC:

Come on, oh my star is fading
I swerve out of control
If I, If I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole

Come here, oh my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole

But time, is on your side
It's on your side, now
Not pushing you down
And all around
It's no cause for concern

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see, no chance of release
And I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath

And time is on your side
It's on your side, now
Not pushing you down
And all around
Oh, It's no cause for concern

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down again

Stood on the edge
Tied to a noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won't change a sin
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
And you came along but you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose

- Amsterdam
by the band that inspired the phrase "You know how I know you're gay...?"

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I find it rather depressing that the most interesting things to happen in my life now are things like getting a new pet. Even more so, finding excitement in naming your new pets. Now, THAT'S depressing.

Jack Bernard Cooper II and Presley Cooper are the two new members of this home. Their mother and sisters are still here right now, but that's only until I get to a chance to go drop them off at Petsmart or Petco so they can be adopted or whatever. Nathan and Ann were the former owners of the rats, but they didn't want all those kids and Gracey, the mom, has recently become a bit vicious and since they have a three year old daughter, they didn't want Gracey to bitting off any of her fingers. They're cute right now, though, the babies in any case. I'm even debating keeping one of the sisters, but I figure that's not really a good idea. Four rats is more than enough. And it wouldn't be good to keep a female rat all by herself. I wouldn't be able to fathom six rats, so it looks like it'll just be Percy, Roger, and the Cooper brothers.

On a side note, I'm broke still. Haven't heard from any of the various places I've applied to.

Denton blows.

Heck, Texas blows.

I want out.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I have a knot on the back of my right shoulder that comes and goes.

I guess I've been a little stressed as of late. I feel like a fugitive again. Will my own home ever trully be my own home? I don't feel like I can walk around and do whatever I want. I have to concern myself with my inconsiderate roommate and now I even have to be "considerate" of my downstairs neighbor otherwise it sounds like I'm re-arranging furniture when I'm simply walking from on side of the room to the other. Granted both my neighbor and roommate are my "friends", but still...

And I'm kicking her out. I don't know when. I don't know how. I don't know if she even knows about it yet or not. Chris probably blabbed to her about it already. I hate that prick. He calls me an asshole and heartless when I simply joke about people, exagerate certain things, and spout the blatant honest truth, unlike the rest of society. However, he's the one who talks about people behind their backs frequently and scrutinizes everything one does. He even tried to make me feel bad about college. "So, when do YOU graduate, Aldo? What are you on? The ten year plan? How many do you even HAVE?" I said that I WAS on the ten year plan, that I honestly don't know how many hours I have, and that I'm not even sure if I WANT to finish college. Mr. Greater-than-thou simply sneered at unphased remarks. Oh by the way. He is the THIRD Catholic to tell me that I'm going to hell for converting. I'm not sure if I'll EVER think highly of that religion. Call me whatever you will, but I frankly just hate religion all together. You can't make rules and regulations on Love and one's immortal soul. God's much bigger than that. The most religion can do is gather together like-minded people to worship the same God and grow closer to Him. But obviously Chris doesn't think so. Someone who is attracted to their own sex shouldn't be condemning others, is all I have to say.
Nevertheless, I need to Hanna that she needs to move out.
I was in the middle of discussing this with Helena, but I never finished. I hardly ever do. I have a horrible memory and often forget. She never brings up the conversations, either. Frankly, I don't think she cares all that much, despite what she says.
Ugh.
Friendships just muddle everything up.
I shouldn't have lived with a friend, especially a female friend.
I shoudln't have gotten friends to live downstairs, especially if one of them is Chris.
But I just can't do this anymore. I don't care who likes and doesn't like Hanna. I need her out. She is now a single female and I am a single male. It won't work. ESPECIALLY the way Grunkalunka (Hanna) works... Even homosexual Chris couldn't escape from the desperate claws of Hanna's sexual appetite (not to mention her low self esteem and lack of self control). Granted, nothing happened, but there isn't much that CAN happen between a female and a homosexual male. Too much is at risk with me living with Hanna. Even if it's just her bothering me perpetually. The bad thing about this girl is that she doesn't get the clue. Heck. I even have friends who've nick-named her my "rapist". A few years ago the only reason why I would do things with her on a few occassions, was simply to just get her off me and let me go to sleep. Granted a was bit screwed up at the time. Maybe even more than any of y'all have ever seen me. But there's more to it than just the female issue, so don't go thinking I'm some crazy conservative here or anything. There's a long list of other valid reasons that I just honestly don't wan to go into. Mostly just typical roommate stuff. Doesn't clean. Has cats that pee EVERYWHERE. Doesn't respect my sleeping hours. You know, typical bad roommate crap.

On a side note, but related subject.
I need a job.
Bad.
My dad isn't really helping me out, but let's not play that tired out song.
Point is that without a job I can't really afford much of anything right now. Everyone wants me to concentrate on college, but how CAN I when I'm racing around Denton trying to find ANY kind of work. With all the excess amounts of ready-minded, bright, sunny, cheery, focused, young students searching for jobs in Denton as well, how can ANYONE find a decent job?! If I had a job I certainly wouldn't be worrying about when I should kick out Hanna. Or whether I'm going to get arrested or not every time I go driving. (Unpaid traffic ticket. I knew you would ask.) Maybe if I had a job I could also go down to Fort Worth more often. Do more for the youth. More for my mom...

I don't want to talk about this much. Or at all, really.
The cancer levels are going down. But the tumors are growing. And there may be something in her lungs. They saw two spots in the lungs in the last CT Scan.
Explain that to me. I'm not sure I'm following.
Actually, don't explain it to me...
Who knows. I may even have to go through this one day or another.
Probably will.
Maybe even sooner than anyone thinks.

On a happy note. _sorta There's a wedding and I'm invited!

It's Robyn's!

I got a letter from her. I still love her. But I'm so happy for her. She's finally getting everything she ever really wanted.
I'm thinking about going. It'll tear me to pieces. Half of me will be the happiest I could ever be, while the other half will be thinking that Sweenie Todd was a lighter happier story than mine.
Oh, life.
But you know what Willie Shakespeare says, "Let no one who loves be unhappy... even love unreturned has its rainbow."
If I'll be saddened it won't be because of our past, so much as where we are now. She's off achieving her well deserved dreams (much like the rest of my friends) while I sit here in little nothing-ville reaching for no stars. Achieving nothing but the deluding of my character. This isn't some pity party, by the way. Pity parties are meant for guests to come and liven the party. Maybe even bring a bit of cheer to what otherwise would simply be the host sitting alone in a pile of food, drink, and decorations. No. I have sent no invites and will entertain no guests. This is merely me presenting things for the way they are and probably will be.

I end on that bitter and sour note.
I have no intentions but to express myself. And what more true way to leave then to have you taste a bit of what I live.

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Actually,
getting some perspective will be free (and on Nutang potentially getting paid), but you know what they say, "Time is Money". So, I will invest myself once more in writting out my thoughts. Maybe I'm missing something. I'm sure I'm missing something.
I've become a static character in my life.

Lots has happened and nothing has happened.

I spoke with an old friend, decided that dropping out was the best course for me.
I felt content and at peace for a bit.
Talked to my mom and convinced me not to.
Got an $8000 loan.
Felt trapped.
Failed all my classes.
Didn't take the defensive driver's course.
There's a possible warrant out for my arrest because of it.
Have grown to hate Malleus and keep him around simply for sadistic reasons.
Broke my toe.
Started working at Cinemark movie theaters.
Got pissed off because no one there did their jobs.
Filed a complaint after the first night I worked there.
Quit that same week.
Didn't get paid until a month later.
Don't have a job.
I'm $10,000 in debt.
I'm taking classes via online from a community college in Fort Worth.

So, basically I'm screwed. Deeply.

I don't know what to do.
Don't know where to turn.
Have no clue if I even care anymore.
My anger issues remain and now that I'm arround more "friends" I'm worried how often I'll snap. I've already snapped about three times. Almost evicted my roommate because of it.
There's one main rule in regards to me:
Do not wake me up under any circumstances other than life threatening emergencies.
Everyone knows this. Those who disregarded the warning are no longer in my life or are incredibly aware of the seriousness of this rule.


I'm a differen't kind of person, I know.
I do not expect people to understand me nor sympathize with me.
I simply am and write what's ture.

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What's wrong with me?

Why does love avoid me? Nay, it flees in terror. It only stays when it's not wanted. As if to taunt me. It's causing me to react in ways that aren't good.
I now feel the need to act distant and apathetic in order to keep who or what I love around. I fear that once my love is exposed, whatever it is will dissapear.
And how does this tie in to everything else going on?
I know it does SOMEHOW. It's got to. Otherwise I wouldn't be having similar responses with everything else.
It all seems like one step forward and two steps back.
School, home, church.
What does this all mean God?


P.S. Being seen as a puritan insulted me. Simultaneously, I completely understood why. However, all I know is that I feel I should be able to rant about God on here without being seen as a puritan. Especially after much of the negative things they did. Frankly, a main distinction between me and a puritan is faith. I lack it. In large amounts. Unless that isn't clear enough in all my pessimistic posts. The reason why I believe in God is mostly logical. It makes all the sense in the world. I have a tendency to over-analyze EVERYTHING. In doing so, as a child/young adult/teenager/up until now, I have come to the conclusion over and over again that a godless world is impossible. Utterly impossible. And having faith in God is almost as silly as having faith that everything exists simply because it became so for no apparent reason. So, next time you feel like saying something offensive, please just call me any of the following TRUE insults:
- crazy
- psycho
- freak
- weirdo
- dude with an immeasureable amount of issues
- asshole
- jerk
- douche
- dick
There are more to this list, but I hope this list will suffice for now.

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