I just wasn't in the mood for it today.

What clued me in was when I started to get a headache from lack of sleep, or the smell of ethanol, as I drove home to wash my gas drenched flip-flop wearin' feet. I used to like the smell of gas. Ethanol has changed that for me. That or having one's feet drenched in it. So it was at this moment that I realized I had barely been up less than 2 hours and I had already missed my first class. So I went home like a loser and slept. I gave up and I'd do it again. There's just some days that you just have to stop fighting it. Today was one of them.

This weekend wasn't too bad, though. I had a get together Saturday with my family. The burgers RAWKED. Is it sad that that's all I remember? Wait... Oh. And Josh and Drake, from the Disney channel, remind me of Andrew and I. It was horrid. Josh was reminding me of myself when he got on the plane and two immensly obese and obnoxious people sat on either side of him. This has actually happened to me before. However, it got ridiculous when two extremely attractive girls came and sat on either side of Drake on the plane a few rows in front of Josh. A few minutes later Drake was making out with both of them. This, also, has happened to Andrew. I love that man, but MAN, do I ever wish I could have his luck. We are nothing short of brothers separated at birth. Yet, I often feel as if I'm the Bizarro to his Superman. We're so alike yet the few differences do have are significant.
Then Sunday we had church. It was quite different. I don't know how to feel about it just yet. The pastors have been attempting to find us a good building to move into, however, this has been a difficult process since our members keep disappearing and the few we do have aren't dedicated. I feel as I'm one of the handful of people who care. And yet again, I'm the only one my age. So money isn't something we have much of. But still, a pastor from another church is offering his old building to our pastors to move into. We were going to do it, but decided as of late that we wouldn't be able to afford it. The pastor from that church contacted our pastor two weeks ago. He says that he is certain that he feels that God is telling him that we are the church that is meant to take over that building and that he is willing make whatever compromises to get us in. This building would be a HUGE blessing to us. It has far more room than our make-shift church in a warehouse that we have now. There is a large sanctuary with a balcony, an dinning area with a kitchen, a building for offices, a building for childrens rooms, and A GYM with a couple rooms... for the youth. This is and has been the biggest hopes I've had as of late. However, my church members are what worry me...
But this last Sunday, to return to my main point, we had a joint service (the spanish and english congregations) at this new building, just for that day, followed by a meal at the dinning area there. It would start at 11am, when the english service usually starts. Our youth class starts at 9:30, when the spanish service starts, and ends in time for the english service. In this case, one would figure the youth would be glad that no class was going on this last Sunday, since no spanish service was to happen. But to my surprise, my youth begged for us to have class still. I obviously agreed. We had it at our usually place at the usual time and had to go pick up most of the kids. Luckly, my friend Kristina, who has started attending my church, spent the previous night in our "den/guest room/my old room" and was able to help picking up kids in her car. Most of them were friends of the usual attendees. I was quite content! After our class we headed over to the other building. After the service we went over to the dinning area. And there was a cake that said "Happy Birthday Aldo". Turns out that whole meal afterwards was for me in the first place. I was stunned. I won't lie, I held back tears. Stinkin kindness and love... I always wonder if they realize JUST how much I do care about them. They are my family, through and through. The blood we share in common is not the kind that runs through our veins, but the kind that was spilt for us.

So, overall it should have been a wonderful weekend. Yet, every night, just before I fall asleep... I realize just how sad I am. I don't feel empty. I feel as if I was betrayed. As if I'm not living. I'm surviving. I don't know how to explain it. But I just don't feel quite there anymore. Almost as if every day is a dream. Wake up the next day and it's just as meaningless as the rest of the previous days.
Where has my heart gone, I wonder?

I've decided. I'm going to find a way to North Carolina. I'm going this month. If not be Thanksgiving, for sure. I want to see Wake Forest. I want to see this place that seems to promise what little hope there may be, just like my youth seem to promise what little hope there may be for my church, whether anyone realizes it or not.

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Sometimes I often wonder how often people don't know what they say, sing, or why.

So, it's been a couple days that I've written and a few rather interesting things have happened. But not enough. Sometimes a cataclysm is needed. I believe one is needed in my life. Something to derail me from the tracks I run. It seems that I'm close to what I need be doing, however, I'm not on the right path. I'm on a parallel road that will soon split off or even come to a dead end. Possibly both.

My birthday went allright. My close friend Kristina made sure to let me know how "loved" I am. Well, she did the best she could. It was a WONDERFUL gift. Not so much the fact that she got everyone to write something about me, so much as how dedicated she was. She sacrificed alot. Alot of time. Alot of effort. Her efforts exceeded anything I've seen her do so far. Yet, it did not surprise me. Is there something wrong with me? Why can I not accept such gifts of love and compassion? I think I still believe that they are nothing more than a farce. I trust no one to trully care for me. She would split given the right conditions. She would change. She's just a farce. The fact that she likes me only makes it less trustworthy. I trust far less for someone to like me, much less love me. And even if she may be the real thing... she may just be a bit too late.

I started working yesterday. I feel incredibly underqualified. I don't want to go into the reasons why, since I already have to the point of exhaustion with Kristina. I despise how she sees such "wonderful and great" things in me. It's horrible. She would say the same about any of her friends. I am no better or worse, in her eyes. If I am, it's only because she thinks I'm "hot", which is clearly not the case and thus allows me to believe that she may have some sort of warped perception of me. But I digress... I don't feel very qualified to tutor highschoolers for various reasons and now don't know whether I should quit and allow someone who is better for the job to come in, or to rough it out and try to make myself fit.

And we return to our second paragraph and main point; I don't know where I fit anymore. Where do I go from here? Do I stay? Stay where? Do what? Do I leave? How can I leave behind my mom still with cancer and my youth still without guidance with the exception of me? And if I do leave, where to? Do I try to reach my dream of Wake Forest which seems to grow farther and farther from reality each day? Or do I resign and return to Denton? I have friends there... Unlike here.

Which leads me to Junior. He apologized. Said he wasn't to continue dating Robyn. I forgave. He says he's in love with Elizabeth still. Wants to make it work. It may be a bit late. Elizabeth needed to know the truth. I told her. Whether it was my place or not was an ambiguous decision I had to make when I made it. She was quite hurt. Junior may not be able to return to Elizabeth, because of it. He may be a dick, an asshole, a horrible man even, but no one deserves to have their love taken from them. And if they do, I would never like to be the one to take it away. I thought he didn't care for her anymore. One ill turn can cause more than just one other.




And as I drove to Risky's Barbeque for my birthday meal with my mom, we noticed that there was a gathering of bikers of some sort. A very large gathering. I said "nah." So we drove on down. I didn't want any other resteraunt, save for one... She used to work there a long time ago. I hadn't thought of her so far that day. I always try to make it through one day, but I never do. I may like Robyn and I could possibly fall for her if she would ever let me in again, but I will never lose my love for my one and only... So going to Black Eyed Pea was a risky decision, but I like to take at least a little risk each day. And I can't let my past hold me down. So, we went in. We made small talk. Ordered. Chatted a little more. Our food arrived. We began to eat. I started a conversation. "You are my sunshine..." was overheard as it began to play at the resteraunt. My words ceased to come from my mouth and my eyes widened in an instant. I noticed that my mom noticed. We both looked down at our plates and ate in silence until the song finished. I don't know how she knew. But she knew. I never told her how I used to sing this to her nearly every day like every other silly little child who falls in love only to be crushed and no longer a child in the end. Not until after she left did I learn all the words to the song:

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear as I lay dreaming
I dreamt that you were by my side
Came disillusion when I awoke dear
You were gone and then I cried

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once dear there'd be no other
That no one else could come between
But now you've left me to love another
You have broken all my dreams

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away



For those of you who don't know me which is 99% of you, according to some, "Irony follows me like the plague". So be warned.

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mood: I've been better

September the 26th
This was the day that marked the beginning of my and Robyn's friendship; her birthday.

I wished her a happy birthday via text message.

She'll probably take it as some sort of sly comment or something. Who knows? I've come to accept the fact that most people, when upset at you, will take anything as an insult. But what can you do? And I should find it weird that she would be upset with me after she's the one that started dating someone right after she told me that she couldn't date me because she wasn't ready to date any time soon. She didn't start dating just anyone either, but one of my closest male friends. No honor amongst thieves, ladies and gentlemen. Yet, I know despite her actions of disrespect to me, she'll still find a way to be upset with me about one thing or another.

Eh, but I guess I'll lay off that. That was yesterdays news. Robyn will always be inconsistent with her words and Junior will always place himself over everyone else. I'd be a fool to believe or expect otherwise.

I have to get ready for tonight. It's Youth Night tonight. I gotta have a good plan ready. It's hard to get these things ready and well run without help. But no help has or will come any time soon, or so it seems. So, for now at least, I must make the best out of this.

I'm a bit worried about the 28th. It can either go wonderfully or horribly. That's just how it is. Let's hope it rains. No. No... Let's hope it FLOODS.

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And yet again, my life has proven itself a tragically comedic melodrama.

My close friend Junior whom I have known for almost 9 years now, has seen me through some of the toughest places in my life, and laughed. You see, he always had the ability to make something horrible into something you could laugh at. He's a good guy despite his various flaws. Flaws such as infedility and the ability to see a woman as nothing more than someone to just please him, in whatever way that may be. Recently, things were looking a bit different. He began to date this girl who was sweet, cute, kind, and anything great that any guy should look for in a girl. He hit the jackpot. And he even began to fall in love. Or so he claimed. They went out for over a year and a half until recently, when an issue that they had been battling became too prominent; religion. So they took a break. This was about a week ago.

I've had another friend for a few years, too. I've known her less time than Junior, but we were closer than any other friend I've ever had. However, things grew complicated with quite a few situations. I would include them here, but I would like to finish this entry at one point or another. The end result was that she could no longer trust me or any other male and I have fallen for her. I'm not in love with her, but I definetely could be. My feelings kept growing every time I'd see her, talk to her. We were trying to at least be friends, while my heart hoped that she might open up and let me in. However, I quickly realized that I was not being treated like a friend is treated. I even tried hanging out with her and Junior to see if it was just my imagination. It wasn't. She was kinder and more open to him than me. She hadn't met him before until a couple weeks ago. I was upset. And I realized that this just wasn't going to work out. I told her this. She got upset, but I knew it was for the best. I had already tried being friends to someone I was in love with. I still carry the pain from that today.

Junior told me when him and Elizabeth went on their break. I knew just how upset Elizabeth must be, so I sent her a message saying that I thought she was a great person and that I hoped things would go well for her.

Robyn has always had trouble with guys. She's always gone for the guys who would obviously hurt her in the end. Until recently, that is. Her previous boyfriend, Rick, seemed to be a great guy. He was kind and caring and not a complete moron. I actually approved of this guy compared to every single one that had come previously to this. She had gone out with guys who cheated on her various times, who used drugs, who used her just for sex, and so on. It came as a surprise to all of us when Rick decided to leave Robyn for no reason. Robyn was in some of the worst pain of her life. She had let herself fall in love with him.

Last Friday I hung out with Mandy, Junior's sister. She talked about how Junior had cheated on Elizabeth a few girls. This came as a shock to me for two reasons. The first being that Junior had not told me, since he usually tells me everything no matter how horrible it may be. It's always the truth he shares. The second reason is that he really did seem to care for Elizabeth compared to every other bedfriend he had previously. He had even talked about proposing to her. So for him to do such things and not share them, really surprised me and loosened the trust I had with him.

Elizabeth sent me a message back today. She thanked me for trying to raise her spirits and that during this time apart she had come to realize just how in love she was with Junior. She told me not to tell him. She's going to do that herself, soon probably.

I spoke with another friend, Monica. I adore this woman like no other. She is unlike anyone I have ever met before, male or female. I have yet to meet a person who has not fallen for her. She is wonderful, despite the flaws that seem to only be shown to me. Nevertheless, she studies at Loyola University in New Orleans. She had spoken to Robyn the other night. And thus the plot was revealed...

I am falling for an ex-friend, Robyn, who has had relationship issues and is currently dating my close friend, Junior, who has no problem using girls, and is "on a break" with a girl, Elizabeth, who has realized how in love with him she is.



Ah... the beauty of it!

Let's see how this story turns out, shall we?

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