I see you in the distance and I see us as we are
So nearly so contented but a careless word too far
I see you in confusion for a once enchanted boy
My heart dances, oh oh, but not for joy

I longed to love you better but I swear I don't know how
You could have been my future but I had to have it now
The things we love completely we are fated to destroy
My heart dances, oh oh, but not for joy

It's easy to be certain that another's heart will fall
Much harder to be certain of your own
It moves you, and inspires you then it drives you to the wall
And leaves you so excited but alone

My heart dances, oh oh
My heart dances, oh oh
My heart dances, oh oh, but not for joy
But not for joy
But not for joy
But not for joy




Like a typhoon of emotions and raging like a fire my heart has been.
I know in what direction I'm heading but I don't know if I like it or if it's even the right choice! But it seems like that first step I took is permanent. How silly and tiny of a small step it seemed. One would not often think twice of it. Nothing but a short paragraph. Yet it's seemed to start a downward demise, one which I'm not sure will end well for me. Worst part of it is that I know these roads too well, all too well. I loathe them as I loathe the figure in my mirror. But what can I do? I cannot retrace my steps. I can't let it all go and forget it all. And as my silly concerns grow in such a small corner of my soul, my world around me darkens. My mom gets sicker. My kids hurt more. My debt keeps rising. Will this be my demise? I worry that such a small corner, my only corner, would of been my salvation at the end of it all, but it seems it'll be lost in the torrents of the storm, same as everything else.

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Is she thinking of me??

If not, then what does this mean??

Or am I just crazy and chasing after some beagle on a highway that doesn't exist or may already gone?

I haven't had that good of days as of late.
And I've been keeping a secret. Yet again. But this time it's something more... more.. life impacting. And I don't know if wanna share it just yet. I don't know if it'll even work. I don't know much. I guess I just need something that isn't stained with all my worries and mistakes. Something I haven't screwed up. But I'm worried I'll screw it up again. Or that I'll be screwed up again.

So, when I got in my Jeep, put my iPod on shuffle and wound up with these songs playing, well, it naturally made me raise my eyebrows.

1. "I'm through with love" by Marilyn Monroe
2. "Through with you" by Maroon 5
3. "I still miss someone" by Johnny Cash
4. "New American Classic" by Taking Back Sunday
5. "Hate Me" by Blue October
6. "For my brother" by Blue October
7. "I'm dying" by Vast
8. "Calling you" by Blue October
9. "Moonlight Serenade" by the Swingfield Big Band


Needless to say, it made me think.

Well! I'm at work and I should start ACTUALLY working. I'm gonna put on my iPod again and see where it takes me now...

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