Realization:

A step toward understanding my "irrational" fear of large crowds, which means it's a step towards freedom.
Large crowds, mainly composed of 18-30 year olds, freak me out. And with justifiable reasons, I believe. While I was at the university, nothing freaked me out more than going from one class to another. It was like they were everywhere. These creatures that care about nothing real; Automatons created by a flawed culture that instils a capitalistic, entertainment driven, selfish mentality. I don't understand them. I fear them. It's as if they have all the power of such university; A zoo run by it's own destructive animals. How does it survive? How does a place overrun by these creatures survive. I don't trust them. How can I? Their lives are filled with nothing good! All they crave is money, shopping, sex, drugs, drama, alcohol. FUN. Without it, they can't seem to survive. They don't seem to understand responsibility, unselfishness, the reality of life.

So, maybe now that I understand... I'm not so sure I WANT to leave this fear.

It is rational to me by all means.

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I haven't had a moment. I don't have a moment.
Truth is, I probably won't have a moment.
A moment to think, a moment to feel,
a moment to breathe.

It's spreading.
Six tumors in her lungs now. She'll have to start her chemo soon. I don't know what this poison will do to her this time.

I wanted my own place. My own home. A place to stretch. A place to call my own, even if it meant having others living there from time to time. I'm not even sure I wanted it to be here. Maybe some other city, some other state. Who knows? Another country. I knew it wouldn't any time soon, but still, I had hopes.

I don't want her to become a burden. She's not a burden.
Yet, my shoulder's do ache from the weight...
Though I'm sure that doesn't compare to what my mom's had on her shoulders.

Three tears.
That's all that rolled down her cheeks as she told me. She wiped them away and went on about her business and I went on to mine.
I had to take a shower. I had to go to work. ...right?

I don't know what to do anymore. She can't keep taking this. The woman's strong. My God, she is strong! But there's only so much 1 person can take. And I just don't know what else I can do for her. I don't know if I can help. And I'm worried as to what will happen if I do.

Could I take on another job and get her to quit her's? Live at her house permanently? Maybe get someone to take care of her and the house.

God, I just want her to rest.
I don't want her to have to keep fighting so much.
I want her to be full of peace and calm.


Just a moment to breathe, God. That's all we ask for.

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