Tuesday. 10.25.11 8:32 am
I think it started a few nights ago.
I spent the night at my friend Sarah's place to watch her cat. I decided to sleep on the futon in her bedroom. There was a clock in there. I fell asleep.
She was at the hospital. I NEEDED to go visit her. Why was this so difficult? Why was it so complicated? Wasn't even sure why I couldn't even get a hold of her over the phone. She could contact me, though. God, I miss her. Why couldn't I go visit her? I had other things to do and people kept pestering and distracting me. They didn't know they were preventing me from seeing my mom.
I woke up and cried in the shower.
I remember her laying on that bed. The clock ticking by the seconds, as if one could forget. I remember her leaving. She was so peaceful. I remember telling her not to worry. I remember saying I would see her soon...
The dream was last night. It's still fresh in memory and in my heart. Like everything else. Everything but the new and relevant.
And I realized I felt my heart. There, in the shower, crying and feeling everything I always hold back. And I understood. I saw what I've been doing this whole time. I kept wondering why I felt hardly anything anymore, why love felt so far away.
I've been burying my love. Hiding it from the world. I shoved my heart in a deep trench and poured things to keep it down like food, work, chores, friends, "fun", sex, worries, money, affirmation, anything. Anything to keep me from feeling. Anything to keep others from seeing or hurting.
I don't want to do that anymore.
I want to someday go see my mom again.
More importantly I want to truly love and be loved again.
And this is not the way.
Thursday. 8.25.11 11:07 am
I need to get up.
I close my eyes and open them again.
Why is it so dark? I open my curtains. The sun seems to be taking it’s time.
I get in the shower. Is that my neighbor’s truck? No. It sounds like… thunder?
I get out of the shower. I hear thunder again.
The sun is now fully coming through my blinds in my room… but it seems… muted.
I finish getting ready and step outside.
To the east is the sun, thinly veiled by some clouds. Above me are dark clouds and behind my house I see the lightning.
The contrast between the morning light and the ominous storm is bewildering… yet entrancing.
We get into Kathryn’s car and drive off.
Regina’s Apres Moi plays.
Thunder again. This time followed by some drizzle on the windshield.
The mood of the morning mirrors my war-torn spirit.
I can’t put into words what I saw. I can’t put into words how I feel.
Such recklessness, hope mingled with sorrow and despair.
Like laughing in a funeral or dying at a wedding.
There is no proper term. There is no reason in madness.
Is there hope?
My heart can’t seem to answer that. It yearns to believe. It yearns for that comfort it once knew.
But it seems… it just looks… everything around is just so…
I’ve done so much wrong. How could I not expect retribution?
How can I claim a clean slate? How can I claim myself free?
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to believe.
I’m in a tempest of emotions, of thoughts, of problems. Yet, I stand still and unmoved.
My heart is in a cage, encased in stone. It is anchored down. It is unmoved.
I don't know where it would go, if it wasn't.
I can’t seem to know. I can’t seem to understand.
I don’t know where to go.
I don’t know what to do.
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