It�s 7am.
I need to get up.
I close my eyes and open them again.
It�s 7:30am.
Why is it so dark? I open my curtains. The sun seems to be taking it�s time.
I get in the shower. Is that my neighbor�s truck? No. It sounds like� thunder?
I get out of the shower. I hear thunder again.
The sun is now fully coming through my blinds in my room� but it seems� muted.
Thunder.
I finish getting ready and step outside.
To the east is the sun, thinly veiled by some clouds. Above me are dark clouds and behind my house I see the lightning.
The contrast between the morning light and the ominous storm is bewildering� yet entrancing.
We get into Kathryn�s car and drive off.
Regina�s Apres Moi plays.
Thunder again. This time followed by some drizzle on the windshield.

The mood of the morning mirrors my war-torn spirit.
I can�t put into words what I saw. I can�t put into words how I feel.
Such recklessness, hope mingled with sorrow and despair.
Like laughing in a funeral or dying at a wedding.
There is no proper term. There is no reason in madness.
Is there hope?
My heart can�t seem to answer that. It yearns to believe. It yearns for that comfort it once knew.
But it seems� it just looks� everything around is just so�
I�ve done so much wrong. How could I not expect retribution?
How can I claim a clean slate? How can I claim myself free?
I don�t know what to do. I don�t know what to believe.
I�m in a tempest of emotions, of thoughts, of problems. Yet, I stand still and unmoved.
My heart is in a cage, encased in stone. It is anchored down. It is unmoved.
I don't know where it would go, if it wasn't.
I can�t seem to know. I can�t seem to understand.

I don�t know where to go.
I don�t know what to do.

Some Mumford and Sons:
"Don�t leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside
You told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals
Darkness is a harsh term don�t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see
It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that�s exactly how this grace thing works
It�s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at the restart."

What I'm trying to say is, try to right the things you've done wrong, and apologize to the people that you feel you've hurt (if it is even remotely possible). But then cut yourself FREE of your web of guilt [with the knowledge that by grace you are forgiven!!!] You shouldn't spend all your time waiting for retribution, even if you think it might make you feel better, that's not how the world works. Cut yourself free from that feeling. Start being the person you wish you had been back then, without the crushing and punishing weight of guilt that you've placed upon yourself! Allow yourself to to be happy. Bring back the light. Even if it doesn't feel right at first. It's how you live life from this moment forward that counts. That is the way back into the light.

That's just my two[-hundred] cents having no idea what your issues are.
» Zanzibar on 2011-08-25 12:15:56

what done is done. learn from mistake and move on is what i usually tell myself.
» renaye on 2011-08-28 09:28:21

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