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I am
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
You are my sunshine my only sunshine...
Friday. 9.29.06 8:29 pm
Sometimes I often wonder how often people don't know what they say, sing, or why.

So, it's been a couple days that I've written and a few rather interesting things have happened. But not enough. Sometimes a cataclysm is needed. I believe one is needed in my life. Something to derail me from the tracks I run. It seems that I'm close to what I need be doing, however, I'm not on the right path. I'm on a parallel road that will soon split off or even come to a dead end. Possibly both.

My birthday went allright. My close friend Kristina made sure to let me know how "loved" I am. Well, she did the best she could. It was a WONDERFUL gift. Not so much the fact that she got everyone to write something about me, so much as how dedicated she was. She sacrificed alot. Alot of time. Alot of effort. Her efforts exceeded anything I've seen her do so far. Yet, it did not surprise me. Is there something wrong with me? Why can I not accept such gifts of love and compassion? I think I still believe that they are nothing more than a farce. I trust no one to trully care for me. She would split given the right conditions. She would change. She's just a farce. The fact that she likes me only makes it less trustworthy. I trust far less for someone to like me, much less love me. And even if she may be the real thing... she may just be a bit too late.

I started working yesterday. I feel incredibly underqualified. I don't want to go into the reasons why, since I already have to the point of exhaustion with Kristina. I despise how she sees such "wonderful and great" things in me. It's horrible. She would say the same about any of her friends. I am no better or worse, in her eyes. If I am, it's only because she thinks I'm "hot", which is clearly not the case and thus allows me to believe that she may have some sort of warped perception of me. But I digress... I don't feel very qualified to tutor highschoolers for various reasons and now don't know whether I should quit and allow someone who is better for the job to come in, or to rough it out and try to make myself fit.

And we return to our second paragraph and main point; I don't know where I fit anymore. Where do I go from here? Do I stay? Stay where? Do what? Do I leave? How can I leave behind my mom still with cancer and my youth still without guidance with the exception of me? And if I do leave, where to? Do I try to reach my dream of Wake Forest which seems to grow farther and farther from reality each day? Or do I resign and return to Denton? I have friends there... Unlike here.

Which leads me to Junior. He apologized. Said he wasn't to continue dating Robyn. I forgave. He says he's in love with Elizabeth still. Wants to make it work. It may be a bit late. Elizabeth needed to know the truth. I told her. Whether it was my place or not was an ambiguous decision I had to make when I made it. She was quite hurt. Junior may not be able to return to Elizabeth, because of it. He may be a dick, an asshole, a horrible man even, but no one deserves to have their love taken from them. And if they do, I would never like to be the one to take it away. I thought he didn't care for her anymore. One ill turn can cause more than just one other.

And as I drove to Risky's Barbeque for my birthday meal with my mom, we noticed that there was a gathering of bikers of some sort. A very large gathering. I said "nah." So we drove on down. I didn't want any other resteraunt, save for one... She used to work there a long time ago. I hadn't thought of her so far that day. I always try to make it through one day, but I never do. I may like Robyn and I could possibly fall for her if she would ever let me in again, but I will never lose my love for my one and only... So going to Black Eyed Pea was a risky decision, but I like to take at least a little risk each day. And I can't let my past hold me down. So, we went in. We made small talk. Ordered. Chatted a little more. Our food arrived. We began to eat. I started a conversation. "You are my sunshine..." was overheard as it began to play at the resteraunt. My words ceased to come from my mouth and my eyes widened in an instant. I noticed that my mom noticed. We both looked down at our plates and ate in silence until the song finished. I don't know how she knew. But she knew. I never told her how I used to sing this to her nearly every day like every other silly little child who falls in love only to be crushed and no longer a child in the end. Not until after she left did I learn all the words to the song:

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear as I lay dreaming
I dreamt that you were by my side
Came disillusion when I awoke dear
You were gone and then I cried

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once dear there'd be no other
That no one else could come between
But now you've left me to love another
You have broken all my dreams

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

For those of you who don't know me which is 99% of you, according to some, "Irony follows me like the plague". So be warned.

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Happy Birthday
Tuesday. 9.26.06 9:03 am
mood: I've been better

September the 26th
This was the day that marked the beginning of my and Robyn's friendship; her birthday.

I wished her a happy birthday via text message.

She'll probably take it as some sort of sly comment or something. Who knows? I've come to accept the fact that most people, when upset at you, will take anything as an insult. But what can you do? And I should find it weird that she would be upset with me after she's the one that started dating someone right after she told me that she couldn't date me because she wasn't ready to date any time soon. She didn't start dating just anyone either, but one of my closest male friends. No honor amongst thieves, ladies and gentlemen. Yet, I know despite her actions of disrespect to me, she'll still find a way to be upset with me about one thing or another.

Eh, but I guess I'll lay off that. That was yesterdays news. Robyn will always be inconsistent with her words and Junior will always place himself over everyone else. I'd be a fool to believe or expect otherwise.

I have to get ready for tonight. It's Youth Night tonight. I gotta have a good plan ready. It's hard to get these things ready and well run without help. But no help has or will come any time soon, or so it seems. So, for now at least, I must make the best out of this.

I'm a bit worried about the 28th. It can either go wonderfully or horribly. That's just how it is. Let's hope it rains. No. No... Let's hope it FLOODS.

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