How are you?
Thursday. 10.19.06 8:53 pm
Wednesday. 10.18.06 8:43 pm
When you go through as much crap as I go through to do the right thing only to be reprimanded and hated for it, you begin to wonder what it is that you're supposed to do.
So far, from what I can tell, you're supposed to be bad. You're supposed to do bad. Intentionally. If you do this you will be rewarded. Now, I know that God preaches about rewards in heaven, but man, it still makes it no easier to do the right thing. And to be alone in doing the right thing.
I don't know about y'all, but frankly I'm getting fed up with people, more than I already have been. This would probably create even more problems by making me more "anti-social". But what can I do? I can't be around the vast majority of people because I get too harsh. And those that manage to stomach my harshness only make me feel even more of a prick than I do feel. I've become more and more quiet through the years. It's what happens when you realize that if you were open about your thoughts that most people would despise you even more.
I didn't choose for this. I don't think I'm better than anyone. I don't think I'm the only person living "correctly". Heck, I don't even think I'm living "correctly" AT ALL. All I'm saying is that out of most people that I know, I'm the one that tries to make the right decisions EVERY time. Meanwhile they choose whatever is more convenient for them. Yet, they reap rewards while I reap solitude and death.
It just doesn't seem right, you know? Let's face it, salvation is only as guaranteed as you want it/make it be. So, what if you go through life trying to do right, suffer for it, and in the end still reap no rewards?
One of my own qualms that I've always had about christianity and salvation, heaven and hell, and all that comes with it, is that someone gets to go hell for... I don't know... I know it's just. I know it's how it should be. I know that if you're trully apart from God in life then how can you expect to be with him after death. I know this. I have a friend who believes that hell is not exactly a lake of fire. It's not some horrible dreary place where demons and hell spawn torture you forever. She believes that it's simply a place without God and that knowing that He is trully somewhere but not with us, would be enough to torture us for eternity. But despite ALL of this, I stop and wonder about life. It is such a maze. Such a scary dark crazy maze. Even more so, now, it seems. So many distractions. So many things for you to worry about, so much pleasure, so much pain, so much laughter, so much EVERYTHING. How can anyone make sense of it?! How does ANYONE find the right side up? Or whether you're inside-out or even EXIST? Those that DO find the way... it's not even an easy way. I don't even believe it's a clear way. How often do people stop and wonder which road to go down? Both seem just as good. So what does one do? Is there a right and wrong to EVERYTHING? It's like driving 60 mph down a windy road in thick fog. How does one NOT wreck?
I just don't know anymore.
All I know is how I feel, and I've come to know that if anything, that's the most meaningless thing. You can't change anything. And if you try, you'll only do more damage. That's all I've learned. That's all I've seen. It seems no matter WHAT you do, if you do right, you WILL fail.
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