Wednesday. 4.18.07 9:42 pm
We had just finished screaming out our hearts. Who needs them anymore nowdays, anyways?
She was upset about school.
I can't say I blame her. I am, too.
But I don't know what to do about it.
But we had reached an agreement. We'd get together at the end of the week and confer again. I would spend my week talking with my professors and see if there was any way to salvage any of those classes.
I went to the bathroom and washed my face. I hate getting upset at my mom.
As I walked back to my room, I passed my mom's room.
"You know you're the only thing left in my life. Right?" she said.
"...yeah. You know you can't be mine, right?" I responded. She nodded.
My dad is going to Arizona, it turns out. We've been talking a whole lot more. It seems like for the first time ever in me and my father's relationship, things are going well. He managed to get lucky and was offered a job in Tuscon. This is good news to him since he's been stressing out ever since he was laid off. So, he's busy fixing up his house so he can sell it.
I talked to my professors. I can save Drawing 1. That's it. I'll take it.
"Well, if you start coming to class, don't miss any more, do some GREAT art work, and a few other drawings outside of class then maybe you'll pass."
That's all I needed.
I actually never spoke with my Theater Tech professor. I know what he'll want of me. And I just can't give that to him. I have job and youth leading responsibilities. I can't forsake those. Even if the price is an 'F'.
The other two I just missed one class too many.
But I still want out. I've made up my mind over this. So, I'm going to see if by some miracle I can still get into UNT. And I've decided to stick to my guns over Anthropology. I need to quit pulling a Hamlet and make decisions. Whether right or wrong. Before the decisions continue to be made for me.
We went to Golden Coral. This is known as THE place that my mom and I go to. She really enjoys it there. This is the place that we usually go to to talk things over, after I'd get back from visiting my dad, or other such situations.
We sat there, quietly eating our meal. It was probably the most quiet we've ever been. We were both lost in other worlds. Alone.
Then she looked at me and said,
"You know, recently I've been wondering, what's the point? What am I fighting for? Why do I fight this disease?"
I didn't know what to say.
I had no answer for her.
We continued our meal in silence.
I knew I had to end it. I've been feeling so much pain over something that shouldn't bring me pain. I brought this on myself, I know, but that doesn't mean I should suffer forever because of it. So, I told her. I told her I didn't want to be her friend anymore. She got mad at me. She said she knew I'd get "weird" whenever she'd get a boyfriend. I told her that I was sorry. She forwarded me a text she had saved that I sent her. I had said that I would be her friend despite what I felt for her. I told her that I couldn't help it if my feelings kept growing. She started to argue some more, but I told her this wasn't about anything other than just letting her know what decision I had made. We said goodbye. And hung up. She'll never know how much I loved her. Never. I've always known.
I laid down on my bed. It was midnight. My headache quickly became a migraine. I think I also had a fever.
I tossed. Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
The heat that seemed to come from the depths of my skull dared not let me be.
I drifted into sleep for a second.
Someone had cut the back of my head open and began to pour some hot lava like liquid into the center of my head. I screamed in pain.
I woke up.
I tossed some more.
What time is it?
I fell asleep. I woke up to my mom screaming at me for not having picked up my nephew and niece like I had said I would. I was ten minutes late. I asked her if she could pick them up for me. She screamed that she wasn't even ready for work, then slammed the door behind me. I heard her car pull out of the driveway.
And I felt the dreaded pain return to my head. I got up and went to the restroom. On the way back to my room I got some tylenol and slept until noon. I dreamt of Robyn.
I went to work. I wouldn't have gone if I wasn't the only tutor that comes on Wednesday, our busiest day. After I returned from work I went back to sleep.
I dreamt I was at home. I had said enough time had passed. I exited out the front door. I locked it behind me. My house looked like it was in shambles. Barely habitable. It was night too. I said goodbye and with a smile, left. I drove to the air port. I bought myself a one way ticket to England. ...or was it North Carolina? No. It was England.
I also dreamt that someone looked at me and said, "It's time, isn't it?" I looked back at him confused. "The answer to your riddle, it's "time", right?" I said that it was.
I woke up. My mom, as if she had felt my awake up, came in through my door a couple minutes after. I laid on my bed. My curtains shut. Hardly any light visible. She came up to my bed and asked me how I was feeling. I told her allright. She asked what hurt. I motioned to my throat. I could barely see her. I wish I had my glasses on. She asked me what I ate. I told her a hamburger.
"From where?" she asked.
"De 'que hamburgesa'." I responded. ('Whataburger' in spanish. It was a sad attempt at a joke.)
"...I'm going to need you." I heard her voice crack. I put on my glasses.
"They said they can't do anything for me anymore."
"The doctors said that today?" I asked her.
She nodded. Tears started flowing down. "They asked whether I wanted to go to clinics in Dallas or Houston, or even the Mayo clinic in Minesotta. They said that Dallas would be closest, but I don't want to start going there and lose my opportunity to go to Houston, where they do better more effective work with experimental medicines. ...So, do you want me to make you some tea? How about waffles?"
"Waffles sound good..."
Monday. 4.16.07 1:28 am
Hogwarts Sorting Hat: Based on Myers-Briggs Personality Typing
You are a RAVENCLAW!As a Ravenclaw and as an NTP, you are intellectual, independent, and value excellence in yourself and in those around you. You have a strong sense of curiosity, and in general can see many aspects of a single issue or debate. You have a strong drive to acquire knowledge and set very high standards for yourself and those around you. You enjoy being challenged, and can accept constructive criticism without taking it personally. You are probably at least somewhat unconventional, and will not usually follow authority for its own sake; instead, you will consider the issue at hand and make a decision for yourself.
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Harry Potter House Sorting
The sorting hat has decided to place you in....Slytherin! Congrats! Cunning and sneaky, you tend to use your awesome talents for trouble rather than good. It's your liking of causing chaos that sets you apart from other houses. Yes, even I admit that it is pretty funny when you tied your brother's shoelaces together and made him fall on his face. But don't go to far, or your aloof behavior and tricks may drive some people away. People are aware that your signature is having a rather nasty mean streak, but you're not all bad. Similar to Ravenclaw, you draw attention to yourself by beating members from other groups in things, and maybe even exchanging a nasty word or two. You're fierce in a competition, which is a good thing, but be sure to know where to draw the line. You'll probably go on doing whatever, no matter what I say anyway.
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