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I am
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
So, that's my refrain...
Wednesday. 10.10.07 8:08 pm
My crooked door opens with a thud and the jingling of Malleus' collar is heard as he rushes into my room.
Molly peaks her head from around the door.
"Wake up, Aldo! Wake up! You know you wanna get up!"

"...no, I don't..."
(Why would I want to get up?)

"Yes, you do! You know you want breakfast!"

(She's not going to leave, is she?)
*sigh* "Allright, give me a couple minutes..."

She closes the door. Malleus is left inside my room.
He claws underneath the door Molly had just closed.
He goes to the other door and attempts to open it.
He meows.
He meows again.
And again.
He meows one last time, but with more of a frustrated sound to it, and walks towards my window. Completely ignoring me.
He never meows. Ever...

That's when I realized,
This is the bright new beginning of the same old crappy kind of day.



I feel quite awkward here.
I had to find music first on the computer to listen to.
The placed me in the center of the computer lab and... well... it pretty much freaks me out. The music makes me feel a little safer. A little more seperated. As if everything outside of my computer screen is just some form of background screensaver, with students coming in and out, picking up their printed pages, shuffling papers, continuing about their routines.

My college years are and have officially been the worst years of my life.

I envy everyone around me, with their smiles of recognition of their friends, their purpose filled walks, their talented dispositions, with their hopes, dreams, and the world in their hands. They know not what they own. What they have. What a precious jewel it is to have so much opportunity. So much knowledge.

All of this may very well come to an end soon for me.
It's not much of a loss really. I never exactly fit.

I'm in here to do my defensive driving course, which I should have done an age and a half ago.
But you know me.
I'm lazy. I don't plan anything. I don't think things through. I don't remember much.
You reap what you sow. You reap what you sow.
And frankly, I wish I had taken up crocheting.

I guess that's why I don't have many friends. The few I do I have a hard time connecting with. Is it me? Is it them? What's wrong with me? Why must I have such a heavy head? One which drags me around and causes me to struggle to even lift myself up to see others eye to eye.

I don't have any money for this course. But I need to do it.
I'm such a fool. Such a fool for thinking that things would work out. I think God wants me to suffer. I think he enjoys my struggle. What His purpose for any of this is, is beyond me. Does He even have a purpose for all of this? Am I just making stuff up? Did He ever really speak to me? I don't know what to think anymore. My troubled mind has a hard time grasping that which it used to.

A drop out.
That's what I may become.
My mom received a letter from Wellsfargo. I don't know what it says. My mom's not good with the translating. I did get the impression, though, that they want me to start paying back my loan. The first loan I got. I haven't even received the second loan. The 8 thousand loan. The loan that's supposed to have paid for this semester. This faux semester, which begs me to stay, yet isn't paid for. I don't even have books. Not a one.
I can't afford this.
I'd need two jobs. Possibly three.
My mom isn't working still.
My half-ass half-witted half-brother with his two bastard children somewhere out there, which none of us have ever met, is staying at my dad's. Trying to get a job, he says. It's been months. He's a certified nurse. Fat-ass brother is taking the money I need. Taking the money my mom needs. His 35 year old self can cope.
Unfortunately my dad has decided that this is one of his finest moments to pay for his sins he commited in his past.

In the end, I'm the one who's paying.

So, I may yet be a drop-out. Just like all the statistics. A mexican drop-out. It'll do my father proud, I'm sure. And let's not forget the reputation that comes with it. "Aldo didn't graduate? Why didn't he? He's so lazy..." People will come up with the best assumptions that Satan could buy. And he'll just sell it to more people, "Well, Aldo didn't finish college. Why should I?" I shouldn't have to carry all those kids on my shoulders, but I knew what I was getting myself into.



No one knows. No one knows what I'm going through. No one understands. No one seems to even try and figure it out.
I guess I'm not much worth it.

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Moving
Wednesday. 8.8.07 4:18 pm
I'm moving back up to Denton.

So life remains hectic. All is well.

And though I have my mind on a hundred things that I need to and that I need to be doing... my mind still wonders...

So, in an attempt to get something out of my head, just enough to where I can work a little more clear headed, I'm posting these song lyrics as I pack.



"I like to make mixed cds that way people can wonder why there's certain songs on there..."



Everything's Ok by Chris Rice

Looked out my window last night
From my pillow and I
Saw the willow weeping a casual sigh
The man in the moon looked rather
Sad and confused as if he’d
Become a mirror to my watery eyes
I dreamed and prayed through the night
'Please send some grace with Your morning light.'

Then He sent you along like a summer day
With a blue-sky smile on your funny face
And a bird flew by singing 'Everything’s gonna be okay!', yeah
So we laughed all day with the man in the moon
And we thanked the Good Lord for the afternoon
‘Cause He showed me His love by sending me you
And it’s okay, now
Everything’s okay

I open my window tonight
Hear the rain falling light
Whispering that everything is alright
A long, low, and gentle rumble
Starts in the west and tumbles
Across the corners of the colorless sky
I blow a kiss through the dark
Sails on the thunder, reaches Heaven’s heart

‘Cause He sent you along like a summer day
With a blue-sky smile on your funny face
And a bird flew by singing 'Everything’s gonna be okay!', yeah
So we laughed all day with the man in the moon
And we thanked the Good Lord for the afternoon
‘Cause He showed me His love by sending me you
And it’s okay, now
Everything’s okay



Dreams by the Cranberries

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

Ah, la da ah...
La...

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It's never quite as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me.

Ah, da, da da da, da, la...



Chicago by Sufjan Stevens

I fell in love again
All things go, all things go
Drove to Chicago
All things know, all things know
We sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

I drove to New York
in a van, with my friend
We slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
I was in love with the place
In my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

If I was crying
In the van, with my friend
It was for freedom
From myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
(I made a lot of mistakes)
All things know, all things know
(I made a lot of mistakes)
You had to find it
(I made a lot of mistakes)
All things go, all things go
(I made a lot of mistakes)






There. Better.

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