A list of secrets
Tuesday. 9.2.08 6:15 am
I may update some more later. I figure this is all anyone ever really wants from blogs anyways. Other people's secrets. I encourage anyone else who reads this to do the same.
- I have a fear of large crowds and social situations. I've gotten dizzy, started hyperventilating, my body tempature rises, and on occassion gone home crying because of it. Sometimes it's even prevented me from hanging out with friends and family.
- I want someone to play "What a man" by Salt N Peppa and have it be dedicated to me. I want that person to really believe it and even more importantly, that I'll believe it.
- When I was little I cried myself to sleep because of all the people that I had left behind every time I moved.
- When I'm alone, I dance, I sing, I pretend that I have superpowers, and I never want anyone to see me.
- I'm terrified of falling in love again.
control & perception
Tuesday. 8.26.08 3:22 am
"If we were your kids, we would punish ourselves!"
I hope that my last conversation with my father was this last Saturday. I have given up on him as I am sure that he's given up on me. Frankly, I'm glad he's give up on me. I would of prefered that he gave up on his unrealistic dreams of me graduating from a university any time soon and become a overly well paid citizens who takes frequent vacations to other countries. What do I look like? An IBM engineer with a salary of at least 80k a year? No. Does that look like what I'm going to ever want to become? No.
I'm an unselfish person motivated to do well for others, in my career and personal life. How much do YOU think THOSE kind of jobs pay? Because I know they don't pay much. And I certainly don't want to live a life of luxury (or even comfortability) while people are suffering in the world and in desperate need of things. I desire a simple life.
And I'm come to conclude that a simple life is one without distractions.
So, I will eliminate these distractions. Either one by one, or in one fell swoop.
I hope to be fully rid of my father in a few months, by taking over the cell phone plan. This way he won't have to concern his pocketbook about me. In my last conversation with him, I made him see. I pulled out my nine-tailed with jagged hooks on the end whip of truth and used it lavishly on him. By the end he had no other choice but to agree. When he agreed it was as if I had destroyed his world:
"ALLRIGHT, Mr. SMART, Mr. Smart BOY! YOU'RE RIGHT! Are you happy now?! Are you happy?!" he said.
"No... I never wanted to be right, dad. That's never what I wanted. I just wanted you to see that I had no other choice." I responded.
"Fine. That's fine, then. You know what? It's your own funeral and you're going pay for everything. You're going to pay. *click*"
And those were the last words my dad uttered to me before he hung up on me.
So, good riddance to that poor excuse of a man.
But there's still more distractions to remove.
The only difference is that instead of it being a mail-cart, it's a housekeeping cart. That and the fact that I don't wake up from this "dream".
At the end of the day, I think I'm just not what people want. And that's okay. But, I'm not always going to be their "Black Knight" and one day they will realize this. Or maybe they won't. Who knows?
I've just come to realize that I'm NOT insane. The rest of the world is. And I don't have to put up with it. I don't have to put up with people's nonsense and immaturities.
Because at the end of the day, you would have pushed that button. You would have sunk another ship. You would have rationalized yourself into thinking you did the right thing. You would have taken pills, gone to therapy, took up drinking, or started doing drugs to forget or to cope with the reality that at the end of the day,
MOST OF YOU PEOPLE ARE NOTHING BUT MONSTERS.
And on that happy note, I leave you.
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