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I am
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
Discovery of the Atom
Sunday. 3.28.10 5:49 am
WARNING: Zanzibar, this has nothing to do with the actual discovery of the Atom.

So, I've discovered a key element. A key flaw, actually. Well... more of a misguided theory or understanding of things. But this one thing changes everything. A key principle or law in the dynamics between human beings and their daily interaction. A step I missed as a child. Most people grow to learn this. I, on the other hand, did not. I've never witnessed or experienced a long term relationship with a human being before the age of 14, and that's only 2 years into a friendship. The only other two people I had constantly had in my life were my mom and dad. Even my dad wasn't in my life that constant. But for the most part, they were through with change. Set in their ways. You see, that's the key element I never took into consideration. Change. The x factor. Chaos. Murphy's Law, even. I had grown to believe that a person is a person and though minor quirks of a human being might change over time, the person as a whole, specifically the core being of someone, could not and would not change. So, in my supposed misguided belief (whether it's misguided or not is still under heavy consideration and testing) that people's core does not change, I treated them as specimens. Without meaning, without malice, and with more honest feeling and involvement than one would without something you merely study. Although, study them I did. All their habbits and phrases, their beliefs and past, everything and anything you would need to know about the specific human being. The closer the person was to me the more in depth I would go. However, once I had "classified" the individual, run all possible tests, diagnosed every part of the person, and composed a detail analysis on who the person is , I would simply store all that data in my mind and leave it at that. Close the book. Dig no deeper.
I knew you.
Inside and out. No surprises left for me. My parents would even find it annoying that I could predict WHOLE conversations with them. I would know EXACTLY what they would say to every thing I would say to them. My mom would always tell me "Well, if you already know, then why don't you do what I ask of you?!" It was amusing. Funny even. But the humor is running low on this. I discovered this has been my problem. At least the CAUSE of alot of problems. When Helena and I first became friends she would always tell me she felt like I was just studying her and that she was just some sort of experiment to her. She wasn't and I would always remind her of that. But now that we're here, this far along. She hasn't complained about that in years. Now she tells me that I don't care enough. That I don't show that I care. I've been confused about all of this for years. She hasn't been the only one to tell me such things. This whole conversation got started on asking "why". I told her I hated how she was always asking me why. I told her I felt that if she knew me she wouldn't ask me why all the time. She said that didn't make sense. She said that when you DON'T know someone you don't ask why, because you don't care. Only the people you are close to do you ask why, because you want to know why they do what they do, and thus get closer to them. But it didn't make sense to me, because when you DON'T know someone you ask them why that you GET to know them, and then once you know them there's no point in asking why because you already KNOW why. I brought up how I was getting mad that the Pastor and everyone from church was asking me why I hadn't gone to church in a long time and how it made me mad. I felt like if they already know me and what's going on, why are they asking why. Then it clicked. Everything I've been doing has been affected by this. This is why I have a hard time with long lasting friendships. I feel I already know someone and no longer need to ask them certain things, which to them it feels like I am uninterested in them. And in extreme cases, like Nikki or Robyn, my confidence in the certainty of their character, I stifled possibilities for growth and change, like caging a wild animal, which caused them to naturally rebel and change drastically or argue as much as possible with me, in specific on who they are as an individual.

And it made sense.

All of it.

Don't know what this means yet....
Hopefully the application of this discovery will be put to good use.
I compared it to the discovery of the atom to Helena because of how important this discovery about myself is to me, and how much potential is has for change.
However, I hope it doesn't go to bad use just like the atom bomb...

Oh well. It's late.


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Life is Real! Life is Earnest!
Monday. 2.8.10 3:05 am
Inspired by events and Zanzi's comment, I was spurned to write another late night post.

I spoke with a friend.
I spoke with my mom.
And above all, I spoke with God.

He's still speaking to me. It's trully amazing. Nothing on this earth makes me a happy as that. Nothing. He is love. What's better than love?

My friend reminded me who I am.
I am a leader. One of God's chosen. And above all, I am loved.

I dreamt of a snake in the living room, in my house in Mexico.
But my mom pulled me aside to my nephew's old room to talk.
She held me in her arms.
And we talked. About life, about things, and about decisions. I don't remember what decisions where made. But I remember she said she had to go. I told her that if she could, before she left, if she could do me one last favor; write me a letter for my when I get married, because I wanted a part of her to still be there.
I woke up.

Since then and before then, God has been speaking to me through His Word, through music, and through trully amazing people.

Life trully is a blessing!

And now I know she really will always be there, no matter what...

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