Remember the teachers who I said hadn't shown any jerk-tendencies? [no]

Well. Not only did I get bawled out in class for talking, [he deserved that] but I was quickly bawled out for rubbing my legs. That's right, she keeps that room at a temperature that bothers ME, [try 60 degrees] and she gets mad at me for rubbing my legs to keep warm.

Told me, quite word-for-word, to get over it.

It's like Spanish all over again. [but i'm taking spanish with the same other teacher, so it'll be like three times]. This time, I'm writing down everything I don't say in that class. Every little comment that I think of. I respect her as a person simply because I don't know her. I respect her as a teacher because I've heard she's a good teacher. However, my respect for her as an authority figure is quickly dwindling.

The only thing keeping me from bringing the hurt right back to her is the fact that she'll refer me to the office, and then I'll have to deal with people that I actually respect. And maybe don't respect me back.

I hate the school system. I'll find a way around it, don't worry. I'll take my hits. I'll bide my time.

And then I will strike. Maybe publicly. If nothing else, I'll find it funny.
------------------------------------
In other news, I'm feeling really bitter. And tired beyond all reason. When I was born I "almost" had a glandular problem, which only called for a tiny bit of medication. Which I stopped taking in '03, simply because the dosage was so small.

Well, as it turns out, my thyroid might still be a bit whacked. The hormones involved are within tolerances, but barely. Basically, the symptoms are lethargy. And arrested growth, but being 6'1", that doesn't bother me. I'm sure there are more serious outcomes, and I don't care. But I'm crap tired.
And I'd heartily like to wretch my figurative heart out.
And my dad's been dead and gone for years.
And I offend people without trying, just by communicating in a normal fashion.
And I'm lonely.
And I'm addicted to Placebo, of all things.
And my family is being stretched to the breaking point.
And I'd like to take a cry, but haven't in years. (HELLO, personal!)
And I'm starting to hate people who act dumb. Hate them.

Yeah. Way too bitter.

EDIT: Tuesday, the 28th.

I managed to swallow/inhale a great amount of water doing butterfly, today. So now there's the possibility that I have water sitting in my lungs. Which might be...unpleasant later. Whatever DID happen, (I'm paranoid about my insides,) I've definitely noticed a change in the sensation of breathing. And it's annoying/freaking me out.

It was almost scary, though. I think I had a kind of asthma attack...

I was doing butterfly, a horribly tiring and awkward stroke, and I came up for air and got water in my mouth. Not a big deal, just swallow the extra, spit out the rest, and come up for air again early. When I did the last step, I gasped for air to make up for time and energy. The water not only went in the wrong pipe, it ONLY went in the wrong pipe.

I could feel my lungs expanding and trying to draw air in, but nothing was happening. My throat closed up, and everything. I grabbed the lane line, hacking and coughing, worming my way over to the wall. Eventually I stopped bothering with the coughing, (it's gotten to be more of an intentional action, because I'm cool like that) but the feeling...is still there. It's weird.

You know what? I think I AM a masochist. In certain aspects. Not...like that.

Feeling pretty high strung.

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on your internets updating yer blogz.

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Yes, I'm still irritated by this whole ordeal. Seeing their cutesy pictures together on facebook is actually making me slightly sick. I'll never listen to It Makes Me Ill the same way again.

Bad joke. >.>

Honestly, though, besides the sense of betrayal, guilt, self-depreciation, rage, anxiety, restlessness, loneliness, frustration, self-doubt, etc. (all in varying degrees; mostly mild) this hasn't been such a bad situation to be in. I certainly won't be taking companionship for granted anytime soon. My appreciation for restless wanderings at night have also increased, and I have started a chain of events that will hopefully lead to the revival of my bicycle and some sweet night-riding. A few nights ago, I was tossing-and-turning, and I was even, gasp, inspired with a bit of words. Far too trite to consider writing down (and I was far too sleepy), but still. That never happens!

You know I've never ridden my bike outside of my neighborhood? I'm nearly twenty years old. That's ridiculous! The first thing I'll do is ride down to my old elementary school. I've already gone there by foot, so it follows that I should continue my expeditions. Who knows what my come next?

Today's my dad's birthday. Rather, it would be.

A few nights ago I was lamenting the fact that my childhood bathrobe is so small on me when my mom went and dug out my father's old robe for me. It fits pretty well, although I think the sleeves are a bit short. And knowing my dad, it WOULD be a white robe with vertical cherry-red stripes. Hahahaha it looks so dumb...but it sort of looks good.

So anyway, I'm sitting in my room, sprawled around on the bed, wearing this goofy robe, sulking about girls, probably recording Glitch Mob, and suddenly it struck me that it was Just One Of Those Nights. It really is a cursed shame that I'm not a movie or TV show or something. Heh.

I suppose it's a good thing that I have a perverse sense of humor. Things are better when they're funny. Still, it surprised me how much I laughed when it occurred to me that He and She are not likely to get along very well. Sort of a cruel pleasure.

...of course, I thought the same thing about the last Him and the last girl...it just strikes me that they have very different sets of values. Very different. She and I are pretty different too, I guess, but at least our priorities line up. So it will be interesting to see how completely I am proven wrong in the months to come. teehee

Well I think that's all the moping I'll do here tonight. I ate a big dinner with Mum but I still feel sort of sick in the tummy. Stupid pictures. -.-

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So, everyone who's been reading and thinking about my blogs knows that I've been moping about the whole Katie issue for...at least a month. Didn't really have much time to mope before that. At least, not publicly.

And, with me, there's just been this feeling of being left out in the rain. Because, in all reality, a breakup situation never seems to agree with me. And it never will. Basically, I was upset. And wanted to talk. And talking rarely happened, and certainly not by her efforts.

So, a few nights ago I ignored her responses for a while and just rambled out what I wanted to say.

And it's been great since then. I stopped thinking about how to organize it because it'd been said. Amazing.

Ironically, when faced with this information and my detached (and COMPLETELY not self-pitying, :D!!) attitude, I was blocked. And I'm sure it must have been the attitude, because being told how it is should never rouse such anger in a person. Unless they don't like blame. Besides, what's the point? She can confide. She doesn't need ME to lie to her.

So, yeah. She's super pissed at me, I'm pretty happy with everything, and I don't really care if we don't become friends. As she likes to say, it wouldn't have worked out anyway. *TRUMP*

That was totally uncalled for. WHOO!

Look out, world!

EDIT: Two minutes later...

LOL! I was right. Friendship=0 I bet I'm off her Myspace, off her protected list on Xanga, and maybe Facebook. I KNOW I'm blocked from AIM.

IT'S GOOD TO HEAR YOU HAVE A SOUL!

That'll piss her off. YES, I'm being an asshole right now. But at least I'm not a stinkin' SAD asshole.

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