Good day today. (No one starts with 'Dear Diary' anymore these days... right?)

Managed to

1. Learn more about how rugby is actually played from lord skoh. Turned out he was in turn, clueless about cricket - which made me think: I need to read up more on field placings. And know more about why some positions are 'leg-side', other 'off-side'; what the heck is 'cow corner' and 'silly mid-off'; 'short fine leg', 'mid-off' and so on.

2. Starbucks 1for1, only exclusive to students in kent ridge. Most prolly clearing out leftover Christmas stock but still, star$$ is awesome thought it costs a lot of $$.

3. I insta-ed the photo and two ppl liked it. Wait, that's not all. One started a convo on fb (about the 1for1) and I bumped into the other at the bus stop as I was headed home. It's good to catch up with people whom you don't normally talk to (but are still on good terms with)

4. Sorry for having too many stories to tell.

I guess when we were young... we thought we could change someone for the better, to our liking. Idealistic, yes - but all of us do go through it at least once in our lives: the lifting of expectations, only for it to come crashing down. The regret and the i-told-you-so(s) to yourself when you reflect on it (on hindsight).

It's the third, fourth(?) time I've mentioned this, but seven years ago, someone told me [in the midst of a horrible period of my life] that while I may be suffering now, ten years on I would be laughing when I looked back at it. Well, now I'm not exactly gonna burst into laughter but at least I'd accepted it and moved on from there. It was a painful lesson (bad reps, all over) but one that I could really draw on in the intervening years, even til today.

Received a 'field report' a few moments ago about two people spotted running together.

Idk what to feel (it shouldn't really concern me... but there are always caveats (double pun intended)). [stop overreacting; but sometimes I just can't help but to think that there's really something going on between the two of them]

Shall end off with a pic to illustrate point no. 1

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Drew some parallels with sporting events in a bid to comfort myself.

This winter, the English cricket team went for a tour down under and duly got whitewashed by the Aussies who were out for revenge after losing the last two series. Cracks which were papered over by the 3-0 victory in September were cruelly exposed and the resulting thrashing(s) stunned and shocked both the public and also commentators alike.

This season, Old Trafford saw the end of an era with the retirement of the venerable SAF. Likewise, cracks which were hidden beneath title success in May revealed themselves and sent seismic waves throughout the world. With United trying to find their feet (and identity too) under new management - it is still too early for anyone to declare with certainty whether we are seeing the dawn of a new golden age or the beginnings of a descent into mediocrity (like the Liverpool side of the 90s and early noughties).

Similarly.. (get ready to smack me now), I plumbed new depths this semester with regards to results. Can't fault the friends who went through this tumultuous semester with me though (you know who you are). Optimistic for the future now; even though there's still a tinge of disappointment after working so hard last sem. I guess everyone else could say that as well.

Currently waiting for practice to start, after a non-dinner because somehow.. nothing happened after agreeing to agree to consider whether we can have dinner together. ^^ Equity doesn't really translate into reality all the time then it seems.

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Merry Christmas had a little lamb.

Puns aside, well the buildup to the 25th itself was bad. All of us have to go through a quintet of events in the next month or so - release of results, Christmas, New Year, school [reopens for the next semester], and finally Exchange results. Things did not get off to a good (or even decent) start.

I have literally (new updated meaning as per 2013) referred the whole issue to the third umpires who will run through the footage again using a whole host of technological aids such as hotspot, snicko and good old common sense. In short, an appeal.

Still, I have admittedly never fathomed such an outcome from the very get go. The amount of work I'd put in, all the hours, the sacrifices - more so than even the O's or the A's multiplied threefold should in an ideal world guarantee me a decent, or even a good result.

My own personal view, not representative of the lclub's or any other official body:

Alas, that did not happen - maybe due in part to the extremely oxymoronic and prejudicial bellcurve that we use (tell me, is it fair to sort through a sample size of 50 students and force them into predetermined grade categories with the knowledge that they do not in reality differ as much as their grades would suggest so to a layman?) Throw in the fact that most, if not all of us, possess the same knowledge of the topic, know full well the law, the issues, the arguments and you would eventually run out of objective criteria to assess us on. The bellcurve is probably, maybe, perhaps the best we can in a university of over 20k undergrads - but in a class of 50-ish students? Across a cohort of 250? It prejudices the students unlucky enough to be ranked within the last 40% - therefore a mandatory B-, C?

The faculty's stance on using raw scores to determine things such as exchange places and individual rankings is laudable - alas, potential employers are entitled to rely on the indoor management rule (hur hur, turquand's) and take your letter grade at face value. How fair is that at the end? In order to allow the university to call themselves 'fair', stave off the 'monster' that is 'grade inflation', we, the students, find ourselves at the short end of the stick.

And that's not even talking about 'moderation'. In short, 'moderation' is good as a tool to combat grade inflation; but even then grade inflation shouldn't be made out as such a bad thing if the students in a particular cohort are academically superior to their seniors.
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Caveat; this was only made worse because of eel, or expectations, exchange, and l**e.

Judge me for the superfluous use of the oxford comma if you will; hopefully I'll feel better once the last of the quintet has passed us all by.

A last coda; on parents: they really supported me throughout "just pass can already lah" - but still I really felt that I'd let them down - all the late nights, skipping family dinners, coming home when they'd alrd turned in and waking up when they'd left for the day. These are variables which the curve swats aside. I personally don't think that the 'student life' department should be using the term 'student life' in their designation if they don't know the other side of things. And it is never one you will pay much attention to, alas, if you have always been (relatively) doing well.
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Rule number one of the curve - the only reason why you did well was because someone did worse than you. You are not who you are (even if that's what everyone high up wants you to think). This semester, everyone wanted to get that extra advantage and scale the curve: turned out everyone mugged so hard that we all ended up roughly at where we started - cue massive disappointment and the raison d'�tre for this long rant.

I've learnt that you must really plumb the depths and subject yourself to the worst excesses of the curve before you can truly come to realise its flaws and shortcomings. So spare a thought for the less fortunate and stop gloating / complaining about your results if the worst grade you got is a B; or a B+.

Happy holidays.

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Too many thoughts in my mind now - need to organise them first before posting, lest I be accused of rambling incoherently. I don't make sense half (or slightly more than half) the time when I subconsciously let my past experiences/emotions interfere with my chain of thought.

Which brings me to an analogy which I thought up on the spot, like right now: Sometimes, or indeed, most of the time, if not all, it is better to first knock on the door than to knock down the door at first instance.

Trapped in a prism, in a prism of light
Alone in the darkness, darkness of white
We fell in love, alone on a stage
In the reflective age

Entre la nuit, la nuit et l'aurore.
Entre les royaumes, des vivants et des morts.
If this is heaven
I don't know what it's for
If I can't find you there
I don't care

I thought, I found a way to enter
It's just a reflektor (It's just a reflektor)
I thought, I found the connector
It's just a reflektor (It's just a reflektor)

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2 modules down, 2 more to go - and 19 days to "liberation", or as the more cynical me will call it: "sit-idly-by-while-everyone-else-is-interning" time

Meanwhile, I came across this on Metro today



It'll be great if our train operators can actually do this back here.

Then again, I really miss London (and the weather! though it's approaching winter now). Hopefully I'll be heading back there in about a year's time. Can't choose between Durham or London - I guess it's really tough to get that year-long exchange though with all those D's listerslooking to freeze their caps sniffing around.

Until then, I shall hit the books since shit has really hit the fan/ceiling now.

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Today is the start of yet another journey for me, and also for some of my friends.

We are now officially student leaders - a term widely abused by every single school to accord some form of elevated status on students. Something to look nice on the CV/testimonial. Something to look good when you talk to people.

But this was never the reason (at least I choose to believe) why we stood for elections. It was never about the glory nor the glamour. Truth be told, serving the student population is not a task that will sway potential employers into hiring you over the other guy. At the end of the education ratrace - ironically, these leadership positions seem to mean little, if anything, at all - unlike in the past where they were used as yardsticks to judge character/fortitude/ability etc.

We did what we did because we truly believe we can do it - step up to the plate when it matters, and put our energies into ensuring that the school is a better and more united place than it was when we first started out. And for something meaningful to 'spice up' our relatively mundane studying lives. And because of the friends that will watch your back just as you cover theirs.

I learn new things everyday (and for that I'm thankful). And looking back, I was really ill-equipped for many of the posts I'd taken up. However through them all I learnt a little bit about myself, and that always help I guess in the long run.

I was never qualified to be a student conductor in NHSB - nor an SL for that matter. Yes I tried, but when I went to HC i realised just how woefully inept I was - I did not have perfect pitch, nor could I discern a perfect fifth from a diminished seventh. I was the SL simply because I was the only person left in my section who still attended practices. I tried my best learning from guides, but on hindsight it would have been better if I'd continued my (theory) journey which had stopped after P6. I was still not-very-mature then, but at least I had experienced what it felt like to be in the lead, even if I wasn't very good at that.

NS was really where I got to hone my PR skills, and it helped that I was always in contact with people older and more experienced than me who would always share tips and life stories with us Registry people. It was not glamorous (indeed I was pretty much despised because I seemed to have a slack job - when in reality it was the other way round). Still, maybe I could have done better by phrasing some things differently and being more circumspect. But it was a much needed EQ-education boost for me that I'd lacked in the past.

And just when I thought I pretty much redeemed myself after the horrors of the past, I guess I showed myself up once again in the time before U started - that I lacked the skills to survive; the restraint not to be too impulsive and needy (for neediness is not a very pleasant trait). With hindsight, I had a sense of self-entitlement back then, and lacked the self-control and restraint to keep my ego in check.

Throughout the Float 'adventure' that I willingly subjected myself to over the holidays, I wasn't a really inspiring leader. I still lacked that self-control to persevere on whenever things were looking stagnated. Still, my friends stood by me when it really mattered, and that gave me the impetus to reflect and try to be a much more incisive and circumspect person.

Reading my upper study's (for Float and now Finance) note on FB just now made me realised how much I'd missed out on still. I guess one can never have everything they'd wished for - and it is the choices we'd made in the past that caused us to end up this way. To V, you are really an awesome person - and I'm glad to see the impact you'd made on others. I guess we are very similar in a way - we are willing to sacrifice a lot for the people we care most about. I should have talked to you more often during the whole Float journey - on hindsight - I think that would have prevented things from happening as they did. It was down to egos in the end. I did not want myself to be shown up (as lacking) and I exacerbated it by trying to play it cool in front of people and all. I did not know why we suddenly stopped talking once I'd returned from the UK and went for ICT - it was my fault that I was not strong-willed enough to review each day with you after all the stresses/fatigue. This was in stark contrast to the seniors. And through it all I realised how far back I am still.

I need to cherish the people who in turn, make it a point to reply/talk/laugh/joke with me. And ultimately, I need to grab a hold of myself - have the self control (to tackle the excess fats omg once and for all - no more binging :/) to be pensive at times and serious at others. To love myself so that I could love others.

And speaking of the L word - it has to wait. I don't think I'm ready yet. Not now at any rate.

*Dearest cousin, you were right all along. I was a fool to disregard your help/words of wisdom. And I really miss you, as in, legit. It was only one year on that I really discovered what you were talking about all those times. Take care as winter beckons and the days become darker and gloomier. May you find happiness outside this stifling place.

Keep the faith. And here's wishing a very happy Children's Day to all and sundry.

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It's been raining here where I am for the n-th day in a row or so. We don't have 'autumn' here per se - I reckon the more appropriate term for it is a 'monsoon'

I guess it has been a bittersweet (?) past week or so. It is just so ironic that someone can hurt you so much by simply not doing anything.

And I guess it is the clearest indicator yet.

I think I'm losing a bit of my sanity with each passing day/hour/minute.

Still, thanks Rachy for everything (; And take care too. Tomorrow will be a better day (haha, I sincerely hope so)

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Hi all (or maybe just you), apologies (for the countless time) once again for disappearing abruptly two months ago. It'd be easier to keep in touch through FB though, but I respect your choice and I shall leave it at that (:/). I hope we can meet before summer ends although I'm not very optimistic about that happening.

Since I figured that no one else will probably bother searching for me online, I shall try to revive this site with my rants (or to put it nicely, "thought pieces"). I think it may just be the tonic I need to calm me down before I concentrate on Coy and Prop tomorrow, pronto.

And speaking of tomorrow, I'm not very optimistic that anyone will even throw a surprise or even buy a cupcake with a candle and a few m&ms from the nearby bakery (that was 6 years ago, and it was not a very nice time to be me). The past year in l.school has been a roller-coaster when it came to friendships. Things started off well enough with the og (or whatever that remained), but then something happened (and I wasn't the one who did anything this time round) and I found myself relieving '07 again at the start of this year. I couldn't do anything but smile (wryly) at the irony. Still, I did okay for the second semester (could have done better though, on hindsight) and then summer came, promising pastures anew (literally and figuratively).

Orientation once again. UK came and went back like a flash, not least because I missed my flight back - then came Rag and as the Float head it meant I spent my summer in school, making new friends (thank you all for accepting me, if you guys ever see this), re-establishing connections with the old Floaters from last year, and looking after all the freshies who, just like us last year, readily volunteered their time to help us out. Many things happened in between which I shall not repeat here, but I'm glad we managed to clear the conflict up, though we (as in me and the other person) never had the opportunity to really sit down and talk about it - I put it down ultimately to a clash of working personalities.

And so the clock strikes 12, and I'm another year older. Not necessarily wiser, but still single though - I guess you won't be surprised by that eh haha (:

The lady who installed Spotify on my com some time ago has stolen my heart, and hopefully she'll return it soon *fingers crossed*"

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