What's the difference between the exam period and the post-exam period?

Nothing.

I like to think that I'm beyond caring now, after seeing everything I stood for and wanted fall into dust; as yet another insignificant being albeit in a different environment and context this time. Knowing that the people you trust (and put your faith in) most cannot be bothered with your well-being (not that it is a must; or even an obligation... it's just nice I guess). It's reality; that everyone else has more significant events and obligations to attend to. In a way isn't this good because it means I'm not a burden for everyone else but myself. Hm.

I'm not compelling anyone to do anything - they can choose not to. That's why I do not self-invite myself to anything if I don't get jioed. Maybe that's why I end up alone, but oh wells. That's life isn't it. Sometimes you really need to be so stuck up and insistent then people will take you in because they pity you. Nah. I'm okay; I still believe that only the people who care will look out for me, somehow, sometime. Until that time comes, I shall just... hole myself up somewhere and continue being an irrelevance to the world.

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2014 me cannot understand my 2012 self; who cannot understand my 2006 self as well.

Some people get it quicker than others, the 'trait' we call "maturity" - a loose concept in itself: one can ask whether it is but a means to an end or an end in itself? I've been blessed immensely with certain things in my life, but is there enough time to actually use them properly, to bless others, and not to - say, emotionally manipulate people to serve your ends? Is the distinction such a fine one that it becomes illusory? By taking the long-term deterministic view of things, and trying to trace into a desired outcome, am I attributing too little weight to the here and now; the small things that accumulate bit by bit in the grand scheme of things? Is there a balance to be struck, and are there some things that are so inherently irrational that formulistic me can never hope to comprehend, such as 'reasons' - what more reasons do you need; these things cannot be explained... rationally. Is it wrong to be idealistic - well not being totally idealistic but enough optimism to get through life (I guess being the other extreme - an ultimate pessimist/defeatist - is equally undesirable as well). Do we let our feelings overrule all inklings of stone-cold rationality and the realities we find ourselves in - oh I want this, and that; to be this and not that. Is it alright to let a normative 'ideal' (its in inverted commas because they can be good or not-so-good ones) gnaw at us so much so that it becomes ingrained in our psyche and change the way we view certain things, and people? Does that mean we are judging people - let he who is without sin cast the first stone?

I do not have the answers to all these; I do not hold myself out as the ultimate authority on these things - heck what am I even typing above.

Back to studying.

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It's time for a happier post... of sorts. Tbh I'd spent much more time slacking, reading random things, making a trip down to the main campus for work purposes than actually studying.

In no chronological order:

Left the campus at a quarter past eleven pm; walked through the gardens and saw a rather strange/unique/uncommon sight ahead of me: A group - no, groups of people seated in circles on the path to the train station itself. I'm not going to complain about the last part, but rather this got me thinking: how would my younger self actually think they are doing in such a setting.

10 (yrs ago): What am I doing out so late at night; time to fly home.
9: Are they having a cell group meeting? But it's 11pm...
6: [they are hcjc kids btw] Orientation? Groups? But it's April; hm.
3: Open bottle bojio?

Nah, they probably just finished CCA training and possibly also supper at Serene McDs before adjourning to the gardens for some htht.

Missing those JC days. It's been half a decade now. Those band suppers at the now-decommissioned KAP.
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We are all alone, and at this crucial juncture our own inherent selfish(c.f. less?)-ness shows through; a state of self-preservation if you might; heightened anxiety by another label - a consequence of the education system which all of us went through (and excelled at). We care more about the competition, and ourselves - to the extent that everything else rather than that you hold dearest to is moot for this period of time. It is the sad reality of meritocracy and for that I don't/can't blame anyone.

All this fixation on results... but at what/whose expense? Friends? Or rather, 'friends' because one can't be bothered to see them through all the way when the going actually gets tough, being inherently self-interested individuals?

A simple "we are in this together, smile; chin up, go study" with an emoticon added for good measure helps, immensely I feel.

Disclaimer: not referring to anyone specifically; just general thoughts that come into the mixer from time to time. Yup. So please do not take it personally, because really, it is not a targeted post.
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40 hours left; good luck everyone, and Godspeed.

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There are patterns in life; isn't it quite amazing and fascinating sometimes how certain sequences of events has the tinge of deja vu to it? Let's take for example the academic year:

I tweeted a few hours ago that "Every academic year seems to be like a brand new story with an equally tragic ending each time round."

Well, that is true... on many levels. The obvious connection is that to studies - that's true. And friendships as well. Simply put, 2012 was like a "hi, nice to meet you" time, and by the end of year 1 everything just disintegrated (heck, I was even unceremoniously evicted from a chat group to boot lol) and by the time summer rolled by, it was back to square one yet again. The search turned elsewhere and I managed to gather a group of awesome people who finished the float with me.

Cue to this year and as the floaters went our separate ways to their (pre-existing) cliques (except me, who belonged nowhere - sort of like a free agent haha), it was a "hi, nice to meet you" time again. I met new people, people whom I never talked to in the first year [looking back how did I survive y1 sem 2 as a floating non-entity I have no idea] and all seemed well (again). It was visits to the halls yet again though I upgraded from studying at the dining hall this time round (thanks). 2014 rolled by and as the months went by I definitely overstepped some OB marker somewhere and brought calamity onto myself (in ancient China they would have said you'd lost the Mandate of Heaven; let's just say... you're not a junzi anymore).

So here I am again, rehashing the mantra that is "hindsight is always 20/20" - I can't foresee the future - I went by instinct, and unfortunately more often than not I do put the mockers on myself.

If there's one thing worse than being creepy it is to be annoying; to the extent of being so turned off that you become uncomfortable around someone whom you were close to. To know how damaging and disconsolate I become at the mention of the "u" word, you have to understand what happened two years back. Back then, I was unequivocally the one at fault. I deserved to get labelled as being insincere when I stretched out a reconciliatory hand. I was told that maybe things would get better in a year and we can talk again. It has been two years since. There has been no contact, none at all - I have no idea whether she was even alive or not until I used incognito to view her profiles - and cue the relief when I think that there is still hope for reconciliation sometime in the future.

And that's why when the "u" word was thrown at me just now, I knew the battle was lost and the time was up. It stirred up horrible memories of being... really alone. And I'd enough experience of that to write a book - or a biography even. Two years ago I vowed never to let another person feel that way. I'd failed. Nothing will make it good again; as carefree and uninhibited it was - you were honestly a huge blessing in my life - I'm sorry it turned out like this largely due to my own ineptitude and naivety.

It's been a roller coaster ride ever since the night of 24 Aug 2005, when everything just started and one thing just led to another.

It has been a disappointing month, but things can only get better... or so I hope.

...Good luck to us both, we'll need it.

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Thank you, for leaving me all alone in the ditch at a time when I needed my friend(s) most to support me;

When everyone else is too busy with their better halves, or simply because we were never that close in the first place to really trade stories with.

Well, I can't say I'm not disappointed with everything and everyone but I understand.

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So in the stillness of the moment
Make sure you take a Polaroid picture
And keep it with you forever
To remind yourself that everything changes
But there was this one time
There was this one time
When things were okay...
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Happy birthday to you, rchl. I'm slackingstudying now but just taking a break; thanks for everything the past year - honestly I don't think I'd be able to pull through the academic year w/out your company, support and friendship. Yup.

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Today is a landmark day. Why? Because Moyes just got the sack over at Manchester. So there goes the veil of stability that the club had given itself over the past 25 years; does this bode of more instability, and will the club end up languishing for the next 25 years?
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Today was supposed to be quite a memorable day for me personally (more like tonight, actually). I'd been planning for something massive for some time; the likes and endeavour of which I had not undertook since my JC days when I decided to make and decorate giant boards on classmates' birthdays.

I was quite surprised that I managed to regain that enthusiasm for art and craft [the last personalised card I did was for a fellow intern/friend two years ago]. Ehh tbh I was quite decent an art student in my secondary school days. No idea why I would actually put in so much effort for a relatively unimportant subject (at least when compared to the sciences and maths) - maybe it's because I did not know anything more beyond "I need to put in my best effort for everything... except Chinese? (because that's rather impossible a subject for me)". It is that same enthusiasm I'm trying to harness for the upcoming exams... well, doesn't really seem to be able to invoke it this far [maybe need to level up and add quas or even exhort].

Yup, as you might have expected - things have changed in the past two weeks. The project has been discontinued (perhaps its a blessing in disguise as I'm lagging in revision; then again I would have allocated my time to include that if it still had the green light). Things remain half-completed; languishing somewhere - maybe in that metaphorical place where it will never see the light of day again.

Then again, I hope things improve so that I can get a chance to bring this project/idea to fruition with the help of a few others. So here goes nothing. Fingers still crossed.
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I guess the fact that I was alone for the most part of the day reinforced the irony even further [expectations v reality - this is not a case in our reading list btw].

One day, I guess y'all will find out the contents of that password-protected post [see, Wordpress is not the only place with this function... Haha]. Not like anyone will care anyway *hums away*
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Three things to be thankful for:
1. Dinner meetup [coincidence] at the canopy with A, F and P.
2. On track to finish today's revision schedule?
3. Last night when I reached my home station at 0030 hrs I saw a dad who had gone to the station to accompany his daughter home [she's about twenty I think]. Was thinking that I would want to be like that in the future - staying up late just to ensure that connection with your child even though you need to wake up early the next day to go to work; it really is an example fatherly love in action - although it is not expressed as such. Yup.

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Everything changes.

All of us stumble; we give in to our egos, we think we are in control when in reality we are not. We need to realise that this ego exists. And then confine it again to where it belongs - in the backseat, or in the boot - wherever.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matt 6:33)

Is there really nothing I can do? Yup, nothing on your own. Healing takes time, but it takes effort, faith... and trust.
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Somehow I cannot really bring myself to blog the way I did all those years ago - when all the words and the expressions and the joy, sorrow and angst will pour out and arrange themselves nicely into concise, adroit paragraphs.

No worries about sentence structure, the use of improper grammar - all we wanted was for people to understand us. I guess this whole awareness thing comes with age, and more. It's like "you so old already... should know how to write properly - later exam you write like this, how?". It didn't help also that the teachers back then were promoting blogging... as a way for us to brush up on English (lol - as if it worked for us... you just need to find a random blog (alive or abandoned), scroll back to 2007 and see whether we cared about it).
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I was taking a break from mugging yesterday and wanted to find out how my ex-CT is doing five years on (he left six months before we graduated). Realised his tuition business is going quite well (over-subscribed now, still) and the number of testimonials have increased dramatically on his website.

Remembered the days when he will admonish and encourage us in good measure - counsel me when I felt damn low after... you guessed it, being rejected lololol (that's another story for another day...). [should have been more diligent and actually do my homework - else won't have to suffer during exams each time].
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Another form teacher of mine from seven years back is now in Kiwiland for a year-long sabbatical to serve God - It is really a leap of faith to just drop everything here and uproot your entire family to a foreign land, where you will be at the mercy of others' kindness and generosity.

Really respected him; for he was the first, always, to encourage me, to build up my faith (technically he wasn't supposed to do so... because he is a teacher - "accommodative secularism" haha). His words and actions only rung loud and clear after all these years - I feel very bad now for not living up to his kindness and patience all those years ago.
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Hopefully one day I'll be able to impact others as others have done to me. I reckon that will be pretty satisfying indeed; the human connection - the assurance that at least someone cares and is looking out for you all the time. They do not expect or demand anything in return because it is really done out of true love, and grace.

Val.ch prophesied some weeks back that I need to let all the hurt that I'd accumulated within me go [maybe she meant to include the most recent scar(s) as well, oh wells]. So here goes nothing.

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