jjamed's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

Today is the start of yet another journey for me, and also for some of my friends.

We are now officially student leaders - a term widely abused by every single school to accord some form of elevated status on students. Something to look nice on the CV/testimonial. Something to look good when you talk to people.

But this was never the reason (at least I choose to believe) why we stood for elections. It was never about the glory nor the glamour. Truth be told, serving the student population is not a task that will sway potential employers into hiring you over the other guy. At the end of the education ratrace - ironically, these leadership positions seem to mean little, if anything, at all - unlike in the past where they were used as yardsticks to judge character/fortitude/ability etc.

We did what we did because we truly believe we can do it - step up to the plate when it matters, and put our energies into ensuring that the school is a better and more united place than it was when we first started out. And for something meaningful to 'spice up' our relatively mundane studying lives. And because of the friends that will watch your back just as you cover theirs.

I learn new things everyday (and for that I'm thankful). And looking back, I was really ill-equipped for many of the posts I'd taken up. However through them all I learnt a little bit about myself, and that always help I guess in the long run.

I was never qualified to be a student conductor in NHSB - nor an SL for that matter. Yes I tried, but when I went to HC i realised just how woefully inept I was - I did not have perfect pitch, nor could I discern a perfect fifth from a diminished seventh. I was the SL simply because I was the only person left in my section who still attended practices. I tried my best learning from guides, but on hindsight it would have been better if I'd continued my (theory) journey which had stopped after P6. I was still not-very-mature then, but at least I had experienced what it felt like to be in the lead, even if I wasn't very good at that.

NS was really where I got to hone my PR skills, and it helped that I was always in contact with people older and more experienced than me who would always share tips and life stories with us Registry people. It was not glamorous (indeed I was pretty much despised because I seemed to have a slack job - when in reality it was the other way round). Still, maybe I could have done better by phrasing some things differently and being more circumspect. But it was a much needed EQ-education boost for me that I'd lacked in the past.

And just when I thought I pretty much redeemed myself after the horrors of the past, I guess I showed myself up once again in the time before U started - that I lacked the skills to survive; the restraint not to be too impulsive and needy (for neediness is not a very pleasant trait). With hindsight, I had a sense of self-entitlement back then, and lacked the self-control and restraint to keep my ego in check.

Throughout the Float 'adventure' that I willingly subjected myself to over the holidays, I wasn't a really inspiring leader. I still lacked that self-control to persevere on whenever things were looking stagnated. Still, my friends stood by me when it really mattered, and that gave me the impetus to reflect and try to be a much more incisive and circumspect person.

Reading my upper study's (for Float and now Finance) note on FB just now made me realised how much I'd missed out on still. I guess one can never have everything they'd wished for - and it is the choices we'd made in the past that caused us to end up this way. To V, you are really an awesome person - and I'm glad to see the impact you'd made on others. I guess we are very similar in a way - we are willing to sacrifice a lot for the people we care most about. I should have talked to you more often during the whole Float journey - on hindsight - I think that would have prevented things from happening as they did. It was down to egos in the end. I did not want myself to be shown up (as lacking) and I exacerbated it by trying to play it cool in front of people and all. I did not know why we suddenly stopped talking once I'd returned from the UK and went for ICT - it was my fault that I was not strong-willed enough to review each day with you after all the stresses/fatigue. This was in stark contrast to the seniors. And through it all I realised how far back I am still.

I need to cherish the people who in turn, make it a point to reply/talk/laugh/joke with me. And ultimately, I need to grab a hold of myself - have the self control (to tackle the excess fats omg once and for all - no more binging :/) to be pensive at times and serious at others. To love myself so that I could love others.

And speaking of the L word - it has to wait. I don't think I'm ready yet. Not now at any rate.

*Dearest cousin, you were right all along. I was a fool to disregard your help/words of wisdom. And I really miss you, as in, legit. It was only one year on that I really discovered what you were talking about all those times. Take care as winter beckons and the days become darker and gloomier. May you find happiness outside this stifling place.

Keep the faith. And here's wishing a very happy Children's Day to all and sundry.

Categories: Reflections [t]