after 3 mths in the saf, i finally got a taste of wad guard duty is like last nite.

1. its nt fun, and its fucking boring if kenna sentry, which i did..the 2 hrs seemed like forever.

2. if i dun slp during the guard rest, i'll end up like a zombie the whole of next day, which is precisely wad happened to me, having slpt only 1 hr during the entire nite while i was on duty. haha fucking stupid of me.

other than tt, it was still alrite la, since can order food and wad not, got chance to use the com set and talk cock with the guard com. but definitely nt sth i wan to do all the time. so gotta be careful dun cock up anythg and kenna sign extra. lol.

went to my course cohesion at one of our coursemate's hse after booking out today..wow, his hse is really big lor, and damn nicely decorated. had some food and hang ard talk cock, quite fun la.

ok, ttz all for now, im gg to slp, damn shack...heh

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life in the last 2 weeks has been rather routine, waking up early, gg to oeti, learning weapons, taking ipa, gg home, slack, run/jog, slp, and repeating the cycle all over again..shiok hur? to some yes, others no..

alrite, to many, learning weapons might be really cool, true, but where's the use in this knowledge and skill after ord? i dun really see myself getting employed in any of the big thriving industries for being able to repair guns..ahaha. correct me if im wrong.

once again, i am learning sth tt i cant really put to use in the future, like my diploma in biz ad, which i spent 3 years in sp getting. i dun even noe wad i wan to do with it, how to apply tt knowledge i got, and in fact, alot of it has already been given back to my lecturers...i spent 3 years in poly fooling ard, skipping classes, playing pool, lan, daidee, and wasting thousands of dollars of my parents' hard earned money..without a thing to show for it, except a diploma with lousy grades tt cant even put me to a decent course in any local uni...nt tt i noe wad i want to study in uni even if i could go there, which is wad my mom has constantly been bugging me abt, to go study sth, a course or wadever...but really, i dunno wad i wan to study. the only difference between poly and now is tt im getting allowance fr saf, a meagre 350 a mth, which barely sustains my transport fares, meals and bills, blah blah..for sth i cant put to use after 2 years in the army..unless i choose to continue as a arms tech in saf, which i dun.

looking ard, many of my frens are in the search and pursuit of their dreams, 'searching for their polestars' as wad ken would say..but im not...my only current goal is to recourse in cdo ts and pass out with a red beret. far-fetched? given my current situation, and the fucked up way tt cpc works, mayb so. but even if i manage to achieve that goal, so wad? i can be a fucked up commando for all i noe, lots of those ard, or i could be a good one, and i might continue in the saf after ord if i like it.

which brings me to another pt, ns. alot of ppl i noe simply hate ns, think of it as a liability, pain in the arse for two years, but i dun. im really enjoying it, such tt i have considered signing on with the army not once, buy many times, but i juz cant make up my mind. some might say its too early for me to say so, others tt im siao, out of my mind..wadever. but for me, it seems like a viable path, mayb coz i dun noe wad my polestar is gonna be, and also becoz of the money involved, which is way better than wad a fresh grad would get outside in the first few years following graduation.

so wad is this entry all abt? im griping abt my current insecurities and stuff? or issit a reflection of my life and wad i want? mayb a little of both. but wad i do noe is, i have wasted 20 years of my life achieving nothing. close frens and my family can attest to tt. i've always wanted to be a leader, but much of the time, im more of a follower..wtf..and again, the word 'mayb' has appeared quite a few times in this entry, why? i dunno. but mayb its becoz my life thus far has been a "mayb" or "probably" all along. hah.

adios.

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haven't been posting anything here for two weeks, nt becoz i'm bz or wad..in fact, im more slack than ever..hah, ttz becoz i've been posted to OETI in ayer rajah camp as a weapons tech..doh..

OETI..which stands for ordnance engineering training institute..or rather some might say, only eat talk idle...coz out there, asides from lessons, there's really no physical training at all, the only one tt i attended today was optional for the trainees, and we ran at such a slow pace and short distance tt it did not even seem like regular pt to me, more like a warm up ba...lol.. and yet, still got ppl can fall out from the run...i think its mainly becoz the ppl posted there are mostly pes C and below, some excuse upper lower limb or RMJ or wadever...

needless to say, when i knew tt i was gg to be posted there on monday afternn, i was shocked and utterly disappointed...coz my oc had told me tt i had a high chance of staying and recoursing in cdo...really, my mood really sank when i knew i was to be posted out. i was thinking is this really the end? am i destined not to be a commando at all? fuck.. but thankfully, my oc at oeti seems genuinely interested in helping me when he heard my case, i'm banking all my hopes on him now..

another thing, lately, i've been thinking alot on whether i shld sign on, since i seriously have no idea wad line of work i wan to go into or wad kind of degree to study in when i ord in 2 years' time.. staying in the army seems like a viable option since i like being a soldier, and signing on would ensure work and steady income for me in at least the next five years, doing things i like..not necessary all aspects, but there are definitely some aspects of working in the saf tt i like better than out in the civilian world..well, i still haven't decided yet..since i most likely wun be able to make it in time for the next sof selection in nov...so for now, i'll juz wait and hope cpc decides to post me back to cdo..and my frens, do give me ur opinions, i really wan to hear it..heh..

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well, like the title says, im out of course le, meaning no more commando lo..hah. and im gg to be recoursing bmt since i missed range and ifc. fuck. damn, i wish it didnt happen to me coz my ps juz told me tt day i could have gone to leader course and on to ocs afterwards if everything had been smooth...but wad the heck, commando or not, it doesnt matter no more, since its still gg to be 1 year and 10 mths of ns. haha, and my ps say i'll be posted out to be driver..nt bad. can learn driving for free..hah. zhuan dao le..

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went back to prc juz nw for the mo to endorse mc and report to pc. hah, seems like i really may ooc, coz pc say i might not pop with the rest. actually, its still undecided, everything is up to the oc, too bad he not in camp today..hah, sianz..

went back to bunk to collect some personal belongings. saw my platoon mates, and well, they look terrible, haggard, like wasted or sth..everyone juz looks different. hah, guess they muz be too tired from field camp/ hell, coz even my buddy cant be bothered to talk to me...damn...well, at least they survived...as for me, i still have no idea wad the future holds in store for me...haiz.

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