I've gotten myself into quite a predicament. First of all, there's no point in trying to deny that I'm in love. Second, I can't act on this because not only can I not talk to Emerald, but she doesn't seem too willing to talk with me. And, well, I don't really want to list things anymore. Basically, I'm trying to be there for her... as a friend. I want to help her even though I don't even have a vague idea of how I can. But, as chance would have it, she doesn't even want to persue a friendship with me after what I did... I'd feel really guilty if something happened to her, especially if I could've prevented it somehow. Even now there are things going on that she doesn't know about that I can't do anything to prevent because of all I've done. At this rate, I'm going to drive myself crazy. I can't stand to be this far apart from her... but at least she's still around. I don't know what I'd do if she left.

Why couldn't I just keep this one thing? I threw it away before realizing it was the most important to me.

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I just lived through about... three and a half hours of a black out. It wasn't very fun, but it wasn't that bad either. I had my trusty cell phone so I asked for my French homework to figure out my homework and then I used it for a light. It kind of sucks that you have to keep pressing a button to keep the light on, though. My phone doesn't have the "never turn off" option for the backlight. But all is well as I can now procrastinate to my heart's content.

Things are still bad. They're not going to get any better either, so I should probably stop whining about it. Just remember - if I don't say it, I just wanted to spare you the trouble of reading it over and over. Either I'm trying too hard to stay on her good side or... well, I don't know. Nevermind.

What of my life? Things have been happening too quickly for my liking. Someone else asked me to homecoming by putting a note in my locker but they neglected to put their name on it. I can't very well accept or decline at the moment, though I'd imagine they'd think my not saying anything to them is a no. Yay for careful planning. Even if it wasn't a mistake and they were just scared to their name on it, that's some serious chicken shit. Uh... yeah. Besides that, Ms. Price's "feast" was pretty dumb. I didn't get to eat too much because she had Kevin telling me to do things for nearly the entire two hour block. In the beginning, I was told to read a poem... so I did. Then Kevin told me to read another. Then I went to sit back down and he asked for another. I grumbled and cast a sorrowful look at my pie. Then I grumbled some more. And so, when I was done, I went to eat my pie. Some people played Twister and everyone refused to limbo with me so I ate. Just as I went to get a drink, Ms. Price told me to act out the Green Knight scene with Eddy since Dave wasn't there. It was pretty bad, but interesting. Eddy refused to kiss me. I was sad. Not too sad (i.e. at all), mind you, but I know Dave would have gone for it. After that was done, a few more scenes were acted out and all was good... until I was forced to read another poem. So, yeah, it was boring.

Rock climbing sucks now. I've been through the unit four times and I'm going on my fifth and every time, without fail, I've been a TA. I didn't get to climb my first two times through the unit, the third I got a bit, the fourth I nearly abandoned my TA-ship to climb, and the fifth has been rather dull and uninteresting. At least the freshmen are cool to talk to. But some continually tell me to flex... People really shouldn't bug me about that. I don't like to. I end up flexing backwards so it looks like I have no muscle every time anyway... But alas, it's a bad question. Anyway, the fun freshmen are awesome. There's Ashley, the girl who failed to lock me off when I was thirty feet above ground, Charmaine, the girl who was too afraid of heights to let go of the wall when she was thirty feet above ground, and, well, a whole bunch of other amusing people. Mr. Thompson is the only really annoying thing about my job. He sits there and reads while I do his job. That's evil - it's just like RadioShack.

Well, now that I've guaranteed that no one is going to read this, I'll end this entry.

Later, DS
~ "In the United States, anybody can be president. That's the problem."

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I'm definitely going to destroy myself living like this... but I forced myself into it, so I'm screwed. I'm confused, I'm jealous, I want to help, I can't, I want to be happy, I want her to be happy, I can't be happy because she wouldn't be, and, boy, I'm fucked... Maybe it's a good thing my parents took my stuff away from me...

Things have been pretty lowsy as of late if you couldn't tell. I've been sad about certain things that can't be helped and I've been swamped with homework, too. My slow disposition when it comes to doing work doesn't really help things any either. I've been staying up until about three to finish for the past few nights and it's not helping me any. I fell asleep in math while I was taking my test and only finished about half of it since Jacki started prodding me a few minutes before the bell rang. Mrs. Ronina didn't look too pleased when I turned it in. I also lost my group's lab in Physics so I have quite a few people pissed at me for that.

Well, speaking of pretty lowsy - that's me. I'm a selfish bastard. Yeah, that says it all. I'm not a very nice person.

I'd better get back to my small pile of homework, as it's going to take me a few hours to do as is and I'd like to get in touch with my asian side before I go to bed. (I just got a copy of the newest 12 Girls Band CD.) Yay for classical music. Boo for homework and my existance.

Later, DS
~ "if we could find whos in charge we could kill him... slowly. he prolly has a lot of cash too."

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I'm going to be trapped in my house for awhile. I did... or at least tried to do something that got my parents really pissed. I no longer have anything in my room save a bed, a clock, a nightstand, and my poor, empty desk. Were I to go into the story about how all of that came about, I'd probably depress you and... well, I just won't go into it.

Anyway, I missed four periods of school on Friday while my parents tried talking to me and removed my belongings from my room in the process. My mom made up an elaborate plan to get me back into school after I told her I had a test in Physics and I found it rather amusing. While I don't remember the whole story, it was along the lines of:

I was at a wedding the night before, my cousin Paul's to be exact, and he had it in a garden. I started feeling sick so we went home early. On the ride home, I threw up a few times and I fell asleep after awhile. My parents called the hospital while I was asleep and they said I probably had some odd illness (that I can't remember the name of) and that I'd be fine after a bit. So I woke up and wanted to take the test and they took me down.

I was rather amused when Josie handed me an admit without even asking why I was coming in. My mom got all red and stomped off to her car after we got out of the office. But anyway, I don't think going to school to take that test was a good idea because I think I failed. Oh well... I suppose it was better than having to be yelled at for several more hours. Besides, I got invited to the movies - thank God - and I got to stay away longer... even though my mom was tracking me... somehow.

And today I went to Art History, was sadly disappointed that my suggestion about having donuts had died, and walked home. I thought I was scheduled to work too but it ends up that I'm scheduled next week... Those ageist bastards - giving my well-deserved hours to the older workers because they "need the money more than you [I] do"! Screw Circuit City. I'm going to quit as soon as they lower the prices on MP3 Players enough for me to buy one.

Later, DS
~ I don't think that there's any problem in this country that Americans can't ignore completely.

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Well, how shall I put this? My life is really screwed up. Things aren't quite as bad as I thought they'd be but I still shot down all I was aspiring towards with my crappy assumption skills. Well, enough about that, I'm going to have to live with it... even if I can't really cope with it at the moment and I should stop griping about it. I'm still pissed with myself over screwing all of this up, though...

Anyway, I went to Hillsdale with several people today. We were allegedly shopping, though I was just following Emerald around for most of the time. I decided to give her a bit of privacy and do some random shopping of my own since I figured I was being annoying. My adventures took me, and Thom who followed for some reason, to many a place. We went to the candy store, Electronics Boutique, Sanrio Surprises, that funny gift shop, and several other places you'd never expect guys to go. I ended up gravitating towards Emerald in the end, though.

After Hillsdale, we hit Borders and I was sadly disappointed that they didn't have my cheap copy of Burning Bright in stock even though I had ordered it over a month ago... I ended up browsing through the classical literature section and checking to see if they had Zoltan Vegvari in the Jazz music section and, as usual, they didn't. And the rest of my time was spent listening to Thom and Emerald discuss languages that I know nothing about. As odd as it may sound, it was a rather fun day.

After all of that, I went home and made dinner for my mom since it's her birthday. T'was Mexican food. Casey and a few of her giggly friends called and asked me to come down to Tower with them and, having nothing better to do, I went. I ended up buying five CDs for a record-breaking $21.46. They came from the "Defective Case" section. It's pretty cool though, since there's nothing wrong with the CDs... I really don't understand why people would care how shitty a CD case is if the CD is fine, though. But it's not worth getting picky about - I like getting CDs for $3-6.

Later, DS
~ Would you prefer to be pelted with cooked onions or raw chives? Oh, no reason.

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Woo. I've been doing an overwhelming about of something for these past few days. Unfortunately, that something is nothing. Nothing has been truly entertaining as of late, either. I've been busy running around, searching for something, for someone and I finally got it so I can resume having a life. And, just for reference, I'm using the term "life" very loosely. Anyway, I suppose the most interest has come from Chem and PE in these hard days and it's mostly thanks to Ben.

Ben is a crazy guy, to say the least. Not only is he easily amused, making even my crappy jokes seem funny, but he's intelligent enough to be able to correct all of my mistakes in Chemistry. Of course, we both act completely insane so that's a plus also. I mean, in PE yesterday, he started jumping up and hanging on the basketball hoop suspension bars and I was tempted to do it also. But, alas, as soon as I started Mr. Thompson walked in and yelled at me and called me an idiot. I was actually hopeing he had lot trust in me since I really don't want to TA for rock climbing again, but he didn't and I am. I'll probably think of a way to get out of it though.

Also, earlier in the week, Mrs. Price assigned us a project that I find both difficult and easy at the same time. We're supposed to be performing random acts of kindness for people. I've noticed that the things that I do and think nothing of are the ones that people seem to think are the nicest. I have no idea why that is and it's rather annoying. I have to walk around school and *gasps* be myself instead of trying to work at the project. That concept is rather nerve-racking... even though I wouldn't be doing it until the last day if it was at all possible. I'm just confusing myself by writing this now, but at least I'm in a good mood.

Later, DS
~ Megadeth - A tout le monde

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