Okay, so it wasn't a beachparty, but I got to swim in track today. The team got the entire pool to ourselves, but only about twenty people actually got in. I started off the swimming with a jack-knife in the diving pool and was kicked in the head by Craig immediately after. The day proceeded to be full of swimming and comments on how long my hair actually is. I even got the chance to do a little teaching when I discovered Daisy couldn't tread water. Ah, good times... I'm not going to go into detail as to what happened, but it was certainly interesting.

I got my yearbook today, too, which I'm a little peeved about. I didn't want to get one, but my brother forced my mom to call the school and order one for him (so he wouldn't be carrying around eighty dollars, since he's a sissy and he'd probably get it stolen) and I and didn't tell me that he had done it several months ago. My mom decided to go the extra mile to make our yearbooks a little more 'special', so she had our names inscribed on the covers, which completely ruined my giving mine to Emerald... Unless she doesn't care that my name is on it, which I'd seriously doubt.

I just woke up from a five hour nap, so I should probably start working on my evil homework.

Later, DS
~ Shavuot begins today. What are you doing?

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I've had a lot of time to think in class these days. My teachers are always spacing out and having us to mindless work and I have tons of time to contemplate my life with a little guitar playing in the background (thanks to my CD player). I got down to wondering why I'm so self-concious and beyond modest about things.

All I could figure is that I don't like to be able to say I'm better at something than someone else. It's harder to be passive if everyone knows you're someone to look to for answers. I'd rather not be involved with these 'school politics'. If you tell someone you forgot your homework when they ask to see it, they aren't going to bother you anymore because you don't have what they're looking for. I'm not saying that I never want to speak up about things because that would be foolish. No one can ever say they are entirely content with everything happening about them in the world. So, the next time you call me althletic and I say I'm not you should know why (, even though I'm not really athletic. T'was a handy example).

I have to get some sleep. My homework killed me. It took me a good four hours to write two pages of stuff on the exploitation of African people and whatnot. Goodnight, people.

At least I always have someone to think about.

Later, DS
~ You're so far away in my mind, but so close in truth...

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I wasted most of my time this weekend thinking of someone. I was playing games and editing and fixing things, but it was her that dominated most of my thought. I had some really... uh... interesting (yes, that's the word!) dreams that I'm not going to discuss, also, which isn't really to odd as of late.

I've been really fearful of saying certain things as a way to shelter myself from what other people might say or do if I sad them. To be blunt, I'm afraid to say anything that could have any sort of feasibly negative to someone. With all of my thinking this weekend, I ended up realizing how often fear and courage come hand in hand. If you're deathly afraid to do something and you end up doing it, isn't that courageous on your own part? Even though you aren't saving a person from a burning building or something to that effect, you're acting out of courage on a more personal level. However, when you get to me, you see that I am the best example of a chicken you will ever find. I never say or do anything until someone else suggests it, which causes me to be branded as a conformist by most people. I generally talk to the people around me about the ideas that I have and they, in turn, voice my opinions for me. Even though they get the credit if it flies, I'm content to know I helped in the planning - unless it's sheer brilliance, in which case I'd say I came up with the idea eventually.

Getting back on topic, being a chicken isn't fun at all. I find myself speechless and confused around her even though I have thoughts rushing through my head. I suppose if my fear and courage were to collide, my fear would emerge the train, only to run over the sweet, innocent puppy of my courage. I think I call myself an idiot a lot because of this battle with fear that I've been fighting all these years. When I say I'm stupid, I'm not talking about grades. When I say I'm not very intelligent, I'm not talking about a lack of knowledge. I mean I'm angry that I'm too scared to do things that I want to. (Well, that's a generalization. I could mean I was really dumb for doing something, but that detracts from my point.)

This has been more of a rant than I wanted it to turn out as, but I'm rather frustrated and it helped.

I recently accquired a handy tidbit of advice, recently being a comment on my entry from two days ago that was left yesterday. Mon ami a lit (my friend said) something to the effect of, I shouldn't necessarily stop liking someone just because she doesn't like me, but I should remember that I always have other people to like and that I shouldn't be too hasty in turning them down, which, I must say, I have been doing for quite some time. Although I agree with this piece of advice, I don't think I'm ready to actually put it to use just yet. There is one thing I have to ask someone before I do.

Later, DS
~ If I could see your eyes when the world was new and beautiful, I could show you all the things I never said.

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I was thinking a lot last night after I got high on a root beer float that kept me awake until about four. I realized just how much of a ghost I used to be at school and at home and pretty much everywhere inbetween. This year was really great for socializing and all, but I haven't worked out the fine points of conversation yet... If you know me at all, you should know what I'm talking about. But, yeah, I seriously need to work on saying what I actually want to say instead of substituting, "Hi," for it when I get uncomfortable. At least I've found a few people that I don't get uncomfortable talking to, though that can have certain disadvantages also. Daisy and Angel have agreed that they would have liked to know me before I became such a "beast" even though they're cool with the way I am now (in general anyway). Well, enough rambling about stuff you probably don't care about.

Of course, now that I think about it, there isn't a whole lot that I could talk about that would interest anyone, now is there? Well, for the people who do care, I finally broke down and posted the poem I wrote on the... 5th? I was sad that I hadn't posted anything for a long time.

Well, I don't want to steal too much of your time...

Later, DS
~ Quoting a can of Barq's Root Beer: "Barq's (pronounced Barks)..." How in the world could you pronounce that differently?

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I've resolved to finsih all of this damned math homework over the weekend so I don't have any to do next week. I think I may have said that yesterday, but Mrs. Dreyer decided to give us more today... or at least me. I got a little too talkative in class today.

For everyone that's telling me to go find someone else, the someone that I have a crush on at the moment will suit me just fine. Just because she doesn't like me doesn't mean I can't like her, does it? I know it's sort of stupid, but that's my style if you hadn't already noticed.

Beyond that, nothing is happening in my little world these days...

Later, DS
~ How to survive if you fall into a cesspool: 1) Get out quickly. (the most common cause of death here is asphyxiation by methane gas.) 2) Hold your breath for as long as possible between taking breaths. 3) If you cannot climb out, give one loud shout for help. (The more you shout, the more you deplete your air supply.) 4) Once out, get at least 10 feet away fromthe tank before trying to catch your breath.

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Hmm... I was wearing a support glove for a good portion of today so I could trick one of my friends into thinking I was in no condition to play volleyball. It's just a little too soon for me after dislocating a shoulder playing the very same sport to consider it... Plus the fact that my doctor said the only reason track is okay is that I'm only moving my arms back and forth. Psh. One of these days I'm going to decide to be dangerous and go against what he says and end up killing myself - it'll be fun, maybe, if you're lucky, I'll bring you to watch.

I also got some crazy packet from my Geo teacher today with extra problems that she expects us to do. It's a continuation of the 3D unit going from 83 to 119... I've decided that I'm going to do the entire thing over the weekend, along with the work in the book that she assigned, over the weekend and have a blast with no math in "dead week". I think I'll finish Great Expectations, too, since we were planning to finish it on Wednesday anyway.

Let's see... It was Mr. Phillips Day today! At lunch, Mr. Phillips walked out of his room to find an imitation red carpet made of butcher paper. He followed it to the little stage area and sat on a throne that the drama department donated for the event. Several of our student body leaders proceeded to praise him with speeches, then a few people sung and did a little dancing. Then we all got up on the platform and started dancing to YMCA, including Mr. Phillips. I have to give him credit for at least trying to dance - he's a really cool teacher. I'm going to be sad when he leaves school, but not so sad because my family keeps in touch with him and he tends to get invited to/invite himself to dinner at my house.

In a completely unrelated note, I have a lot of homework to do again, so I should probably get to doing some of it before I... fall asleep or something... Maybe I'll dream of this pool party that I've been invited to, since I've never been to one and I'm curious. Stupid "popular" people with their "popular" parties and their "popular" pools serving their "popular" drinks at their "popular" house with their "popular" dog sitting on their damned "popular" sunchair... Haha, maybe I just won't go.

Later, DS
~ It's U T E R - U S, not U T E R - U!

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