I could swear I was running straight through a river today when the wind picked up at track. It was kinda cool to get wet without rain. The only problem was that after the warm-up, I started feeling a little queasy, in that I got that sinking feeling I was going to throw up, but couldn't. It's not good to have to run like that...

I'm sort of wondering about a lot of things... But I won't bore you with them, just be reminded that if you know about my Xanga or NuTang, it probably has something to do with you.

Okay, here's one thing that no one can be mad at my saying. I think I work too hard at track. The coaches decided I'm moving up to Varsity and there's not a damn thing I can do about it unless I miraculously injure myself. Omar told me that I'm a prize player and that I should use some of the "authority" that comes with that territory... he reminded me that Jason doesn't dress for running, he doesn't really run, and he leaves at three (he's our best High Jumper). He seems to think I'm too passive about using that freedom I "rightly have" ... I just can't seem to agree with him.

Later, DS
~ Let's play the Penny Game!

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Well, for those you you who didn't know, I had a meet at SF State today. The competition was pretty mello compared to that of the Watsonville meet (Soquel), so I wasn't nearly as intimidated by the Varsity teams from other schools... mostly because I consistantly run faster splits than they were averaging normally.

I started off getting to the meet at seven, a prompt five hours and five minutes before my first race, the 4x100 began... Of course, it was actually scheduled to be at nine instead of twelve, so I was pretty pissed. At any rate, our team did pretty well; we placed second in our heat, but only sixth overall. Needless to say it was a really good race. I even PRed (personal record) on my split - a nice, even ten seconds. Then I got to my long wait. My next event was the 4x400, which was scheduled to be run at five o'clock. So I sat around for a great deal, ate lunch, talked, listened to music, etc. Then we (my team and I) were called to register our team for the 4x400, so we went over and as we were coming back, we saw the school van leaving and assumed to girls were too tired to run their 400's. After a couple minutes, Melanie came down and told us Elizabeth had a seizure and they had taken her to the hospital! That was the big shock of the day for us... Scared the crap out of me too, since I had been talking to her about a half hour before.

But, to move on, things started late, so we ended up starting the race at six thirty. We figured we were going to lose, so we all promised to run as hard as we could. First lap, which we figured we'd lose because of, Bernard actually ran (miracle) and he stayed in third place. Our team was gaping at him as he passed on the batton to Benny, who kept the place. Then Peter got it and ran, passing into ssecond place. I ran the last lap and made up about ten meters in between us and the lead. When I finished, I went over to check my split, which, to my surprise, was another PR (57 s).

I hope everyone who read this had a better day than me - I'm going to die when my muscles tighten again.

Later, DS,
~ I almost don't feel like I do right now.

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I suppose my life would end up being a lot better if I believed a little more in myself... In my abilites and me as a person. There are a lot of things I have to overcome and it's not worth looking back to count them. I just have to strive to reach the tranquility I once held so dear and yet gave up so easily. Then maybe my mouth will moisten and be lifted from the dry feeling I always seem to have these days.

Maybe I'm being unrealistic too, about... so many things, but so few at the same time. My world is out of proportion, the truly important things end up so small and ignored and all the vain facets of the world take their stead. But in minimizing the displacing those things, I distance myself without realizing and, in turn, expect too much from people and have that familiar unrealistic view on almost everything...

Have you ever had that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or if you're still dreaming? When noting seems to listen to you, nothing seems to care, nothing thinks anything of you? Having started the day like that, coming to a bitter realization, getting angry about it, and then realizing how feutile it was to think getting mad would solve anything, I know it couldn't have been like that - there's no way. I must be dreaming.

Later, DS,
~ What's the point of remembering things about someone if they won't remember them too?

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Don't you hate it when someone whom you can't say "no" to asks you to do something that'll completely screw you over? Yeah, so do I. But it's all for the best, I got it done, but I still have four plus hours of homework and ther's no way I'm going to stay up till three tomorrow to finish it all.

I believe I have to draw Jee Won a picture too, as he offered to pay for it and it's for an important cause. Of course, I couldn't except money from him, but I'm going to die drawing it tonight/tomorrow morning.

I don't really have the time to type, but it kinda feels like my life is a bubble that's succumbing to pressure on its surface.

Later, DS,
~ How are we doin'? (McDonalds tries a little too hard to be cool...)

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Score! I finished a poem in about ten minutes, that's a new record for me. It even has a lot of emotion in it, so I'm pretty proud of my work. Here it is if you'd like to read it:

Awakened Fears
Ziwtra

I used to think life was so simple.
Girls meant little, homework was fun,
I could play in the yard all day long
And have that special day in the warm, mid-day sun.
Except my special day was everyday back then.
Then I got older, my fears were
Arroused. My ease of speech lost,
I was in a daze. Girls were a fire
And nothing brought me from their haze.
And the fears still burn bright as a fiery blaze.

Things in my life seem to be looking up. E is sort of talking to me again and people are noticing me more in a semi-awkward sense. It's a start. I'd say it's definitely time to optimistic. *edit* Actually, I'm kinda sad at E saying, "I consider him a friend", but I won't let it ruin my mood. Now I feel like writing a love poem... I hope you don't have to ask why.

Ah, I'm starting to dream I'm out in the country, sprawled out on a grassy mesa overlooking the low-rolling hills, watching the animals run to and fro as birds soar in the sky high above me. Days like that were some of the best in my life... Some time I will return to that bliss. I was so peaceful I had a butterfly land on my chin... *sigh* What I wouldn't give to have that again... What I wouldn't give to share it with someone...

Later, DS,
~ (You) Scintillate.

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(If you're sane, nothing will really make sense to you in this entry.)
I've been looking over my life and I've come to realize that most of my efforts in the area of relationships are completely useless. I might just be better off forgetting about everything having to do with them. Life would sure be a lot less complicated. If you couldn't tell, I'm still rather depressed.

I've even been writing a story that no one would ever want to read. It's basically a look back on my life starting sometime around the sixth grade. But, as I said, no one would ever want to read it. It's loosely based on the idea that "You become what you think about", but I digress from that a lot.

Not much else to say... I'm still depressed, though not clinically depressed, mind you. Love-sick would be a better word for my pain, I guess. *sigh* I guess I'll go give her another chance... But I think I should set a number of attempts to just give up after. As I said, these efforts are basically wasted anyways.

Later, DS,
~ (See my Aloft ad)

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