So ninty-nine percent of my belongings are packed now. It's weird. The place is clean, but has neatly packed boxes decorating it until tomorrow morning.

I picked up the U-Haul today. It really isn't nearly as hard to drive as I thought it would be. I'm sure that everything will fit in it. haha, It's spacious. heh, You could have an orgy in the back of my truck! It's too bad I don't have a boyfriend; I'd have sex in the back of that U-Haul in a heartbeat. Kinky, but not really?

O.o I spent $70 to fill the U-Haul tank. SEVENTY BUCKS! I hate you, gas! You stinky, high-priced motherfucker!

But speaking of boyfriends, I was taking stuff from James' computer and saving them onto floppy disks when I came across an old one. I had a disk that I had put the most important journal entries from a very old online journal on. (I'm meaing 2000-2002 so talk about a flashback, man.) I mean, I'd gone back and read them before - maybe two years ago, but it gave me a different feeling. Two years ago, I still felt a little pain, but now I felt like God, I feel so sorry for that girl. After reading it, I had planned on putting its contents on here in a private entry. XP But I realized that I packed all of my computer stuff.

So maybe in a few days. When I get home, I won't have the internet for a while. I'm not sure. It depends on how much money I have left after the gas for the trip there. If I don't have enough, which I probably won't, I'll have to wait a couple of weeks. I may end up asking Grandma if she'll pay for my internet bill like she used to. Eh?

*sigh* I still need to pack the rest of my bathroom stuff after I take a shower in the morning and clean the bunny's cage so he can ride in the front seat with me. I'm quite tired. I'll probably go to bed at midnight at the latest.

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takotchi: Did I ever show you these?
takotchi: http://www.giantmicrobes.com/venereals/clap.html
LucidBlurX: Im afraid to look...
takotchi: it's cute
takotchi: just look
takotchi: it just shows the little bacteria that causes it
LucidBlurX: you nasty ass...
LucidBlurX: you.
LucidBlurX: nasty.
LucidBlurX: ass.
LucidBlurX: ARGH.
LucidBlurX: *pukes*
LucidBlurX: WTF? Syphilis?
takotchi: Whaaat?
takotchi: I think they're cute
LucidBlurX: It's disgusting.
takotchi: I know but they're... stuffed
takotchi: diseases
takotchi: cuddly diseases
LucidBlurX: LOL
LucidBlurX: Yeah, they're cuddly diseases alright...
LucidBlurX: You get them from "cuddling" too much.
takotchi: haha, well
takotchi: just those two
takotchi: and maybe a few others are also cuddling diseases
LucidBlurX: Ugh.
LucidBlurX: I'm going to have nightmares.
LucidBlurX: Full of stuffed syphiliseseseses...


I think he likes me. >.> Not Tyler. Just... someone. That wouldn't be good. I'm hoping he doesn't like me in that way. I have enough issues right now.

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Wow, I've slept a lot. I slept from 10ish to 5ish in the morning, then I slept again from 6ish to 2ish. These cramps are really getting to me. On top of that, when I woke up the last time, I had a boo-boo, so I had to take a shower that I really didn't want to take. Being a woman is great, but I'll be damned if it doesn't have its downsides.

So apparently, there's something I've been wanting to admit to myself because it was screaming at me in a dream last night. I really do want to be in love. I don't even care if I'm loved back in the same way, but it's been a long time since I've been head-over heels for someone. I mean love, like, even in their imperfections, they seem perfect. The kind of love that blinds you? The love for a person that makes you feel priviledged to just be able to love that one person? Oh yeah, that's nice.

I don't mean the kiddy-type of love where you say that you love someone one day and the next you declare that you hate them. I don't mean the "I love you, but I also like three other people". I definitely don't mean the kind of love in which you can forget the "loved one" in a matter of days upon discovering a new person.

James told me the other night that I should get back in touch with Robert. I didn't realize until this morning that the reason I haven't heard from him is because I changed my cell phone number. I haven't verbally spoken to him in a very long time and I can't contact him by anything other than mail because he's in Iraq. I believe I've lost his mailing address. James told me that he really liked how Robert treated me. I did, too and although he was never really my boyfriend, I could've fallen in love with him in a heartbeat. Of all the guys I've dated, Robert was the most gentle with me. I mean, I'm not seriously thinking about him, but it'd be nice to hear his voice.

I know that I can't choose who I do and don't fall in love with, but I know I have choice in who I date. There are just certain types of guys I should stray from. Not even just as a boyfriend, but even a potential boyfriend. Life isn't long enough to waste time, you know? Considering the relationship I had with James, which was pretty serious and looking toward marraige, I can't do the kiddy relationships anymore.

These are definitely the kind of guys I can't date:

- Ones that still have a high school mindset. In that, I mean that they're a walking stereotype of their choosing and they don't have many responsibilities other than school.
- Ones that'll run to their friends about their problems in a relationship with me, instead of just straightforwardly presenting it to me as an issue.
- Of course, the ones that like a different girl every month.
- Ones that can't come to me about how they feel, as I do with them.
- Ones who are able to brush me off within a day.
- Ones who still have feelings or thoughts for their ex's, whether it be a romantic liking or hatred.
- Ones who talk at me instead of having a conversation with me.
- Ones who have to struggle to be faithful.
- Ones who are powered by sex.

Now, this is what I'd appreciate:
- Someone who is honest under all circumstances.
- Someone who will give me their attention when in need.
- Someone smart, but not boastful or arrogant.
- Someone with a lot of goals and willing to help me with mine and encourage me.
- Someone considerate.
- Someone who sees me as an equal.
- Someone who is there for me when I'm down, as I would be with him.

So maybe it's not a matter of just a few things, but I don't see it as much to ask for in a mate. But amazingly, I've been running into guys that are the epitome of what I don't like in a guy, or just a person in general, and somehow I'll end up falling in love with them. Hm? Maybe I'm not worth having someone who'll do the things for me that I'd do for them. It's not something that's seriously disturbing me right now, but it's something to ponder. Maybe I settle for less a lot. I don't expect to have precisely what I want, but - loving imperfections just the same or not - it's nice to be at least halfway there.

---

Anywho. Yesterday was my last day of work. I told James yesterday that I was hugged by so many white people, you would've thought I was Oprah. I said bye to Christie (surpervisor) and Jessica (another supervisor), Tim (store manager), and Deborah (asst. store manager) hugged me. I kind of wanted to say bye to Conner, but I got hooked up in a conversation with Jessica outside. I would've liked to keep in touch with her, like by e-mail or something, but I think it'd be best if I had little to no attachment here in Wilmington. It's definitely a place I'll consider coming back to when I have a career, though.

Let's see? So what happens when I get home? I go to Michaels to talk to the store manager and perhaps start a job there as soon as possible and seek another part-time job, probably seasonal. If not, then I'm on a serious job hunt for a while.

James gave me the idea of moving into the basement when I move home. That would take a hell of a lot of moving, but I think it's possible. The only thing is, I don't know if it's something I want. We've had people try at least four or five times to break into our basement, and once or twice, they actually suceeded. I don't know if I could sleep well downstairs after that happening. James said I could have bars put on the windows, but I think it's not worth the money. The idea is supposed to keep me and my mom from arguing and me feeling more independent (with an "apartment" and all), but I don't really think that would stop us. I just have to put up with her shit for two to three more years so I can get through school. After I get my associate's I plan on getting a decent job, moving out if possible, and continuing with school.

---

I was interrupted mid-entry by James' mom and friend so I went in the back and I'm here again now. I'm renting the U-Haul tomorrow and actually moving on Monday. So it looks like I will be packing for the rest of today and tomorrow. James said that he will help me, but I'm not holding him to that.

I've been talking to this guy named Levy online for over a year now. Our plans are to finally meet when I get home. He lives in Prince George and seems to be a total oreo like me. haha. We'll see how that goes. We've made a lot of plans for when I get back. One of them is a party. He invited me to go to a Halloween party in Richmond at the Nancy Raygun, so yay! I have an excuse to buy a Halloween costume this year! It'll be fun. I'm traditional so I'm thinking either cat, fairy, or bunny costume.

*crosses eyes to look at nose* I think this nose ring is pretty cool. It's a hoop. I really want black titanium jewelry for my industrial and nose, though. :( Too bad they cost twice as much as stainless steel.

*sigh* I want money. Actually I need money for my eBay store so I can make more money.

!!! I got my letter from Richard Bland. Stupid fuckers let me back in. haha. I'm officially a college student again. But now there is conflict in whether I'm a resident of Virginia or not. I knew that was going to happen. So now I have to prove that I am still, and have been a resident of Virginia for the last six months. I can't pay out-of-state tuition.

Speaking of tuition, I have to go to Grandma to see if she'll pay for this semester's. Gah. It's not even really the matter of if she wants to - it's if she can. I hate to ask, but I'd definitely pay her back if she wanted or needed me to throughout the year, but I really, really don't want to wait until Fall 2006 semester. That's too damn long away. On top of that, I have a list of every single class I want to take until I get my associate's degree, so I won't need to take more than three or four semesters of school so I need to get what I want. (Fuck, I'm behind.)

I know I can file for financial aid at any time, but I think it's too late to have them pay for the next semester. Gah, I really have no idea. I just really need to talk to the school as much as I can without my dimwitted mother. (Mom, I love you to death, but sometimes you really fuck up things that I can and just need to do on my own.)

I really hope all works out well. That goes for school, my social life, my love life, ways of transportation, my job/career, my relationship with my family, and my "friendship" with James. What's most important right now though is school and career.

Speaking of career? I think I want Business to be my minor. I've seriously thought this out, but right now, my main focus is Graphic and Web Design. ^.^

Okay, okay. I'm going to pack.

!!! Bought a new vibrator last night. LOL It's 7", thicker than my last, and pink. Yayness!

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James and I went out to the mall yesterday after I begged him since I leave, in what, three days? Oh gee, since you probably won't see my ass for half a year, if you actually ever get to see me again, that's no fucking exuse to do anything else with me besides have sex!

I actually went in to just get a nose ring because I lost mine, but we ended up walking around. He sort of got in trouble for that because he was supposed to get a call from the dealership and go back to it to fill out paperwork, but he left his phone in the car and missed it. I'm sure he thinks of that as my fault. Not his, of course.

Yeah, so I bought him two shirts because I thought they looked nice on him. He didn't thank me in any sort of way, of course. I guess he thought it was owed to him because he "buys most of my clothes". (He has bought me a shirt and a tank top since I've lived here and I've bought him about eight shirts.)

I started to feel bad because I'd just started my period. Like, I got some of the worse cramps ever. He asked me to get Brian because he had to work at 5am. (He just left a few minutes ago to work.) I told him I felt really bad so I didn't know. So. At midnight he woke me up to TELL me to get Brian. I told him I felt really bad. I mean, I was hurting so bad that I could hardly move, and when I stood, I had to hunch over.

So what does he do? Start cursing and stomping because, gee, it's Tammi's god damn responsibility to pick up his brother from work; it's definitely not his. WTF? It's his brother and I'm not his servant. Ungrateful bastard.

James' grandmother is actually reconsidering co-signing for that car, and it's for shit like this. James lacks so much fucking responsibility.

I mean, first of all, Brian is not my brother and there's no way James should be getting that fucking pissed that I won't do his part for him. Second, I felt horrible, which he didn't give a fuck about. I'm not his mother! What the hell? So you have to work at 5am? That's life, man. You're not a kid.

You know, fuck James. I've given up on trying with him a while ago, so. I mean, I'm nice to James, but I don't expect anything from him, which is why I'm not going to cry about this. I already know we can't be good friends, and we probably won't when I finally leave, either. But I can't stand ungrateful people.


God, I hate that I have to wait until Tuesday before I move now. I can't wait to leave this place and packing is going to suck because I'm cramping and will have to move everything by myself. v.v Part of me hopes the damn truck flips on the highway once I get going.

...

When I came out here earlier, I think I caught Brian whacking off and washing his hand off in the sink, over the dishes we eat on. Yeah. I want to leave. That's sick.

I'm going back to bed.

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Dude, man.

James got a new car, but not just a new car; a 2001, black, Mustang, convertable. Isn't that what I wanted like three years ago?! :( It's great! Like, it's perfect!

Even through all the retarded crap that has been going on in the last month or so, I'm happy for James. I'm almost as happy as he is, believe it or not. He seems to be in a much greater mood now that I hadn't seen in a long time. It makes me sad that I can't do that anymore and it takes a new car, but hey. Whatever it takes.

I'm actually really happy for him, but I can't say that I'm not jealous. I think anyone either without a car or with a crappy car would be jealous. I told Shane about the car that James got. His comment makes me think he's jealous. Hopefully, he won't make James feel bad about getting something good.

So. James was able to get the car, even with his bad credit, because his grandmother co-signed and she has great credit. Hm? Of course that gives me ideas, but I don't think my grandmother would co-sign for me. My mom would, but her credit isn't great, although not bad either. My aunt has the best credit out of the three, and I mean, the best, but I could see that me even asking such a thing would have me on a leash with Peggy's hand on it for a long time.

*sigh*

I need a co-signer. I could get a car without one, but it'd be a miracle to get a decent one in less than a year even with my eBay store and working part-time for Michaels. The sooner I get a car, the better.

I have so many goals, it's not funny. School? My own little business? A new car? Could I be getting ahead of myself? Maybe as far as a business and a decent car. Gah, I don't know. I'm not a kid anymore and it's not like I want an $11,000 car like James. Even a $5000 car would make me smile.

I need a plan.

Oh! I got my card and money from Anna. I must say that I really did need the money, but the card is what made me the happiest. <333Anna<333

What else? I told a lot of people that today was my last day and they seemed sad. Oh yeah, and today isn't my last day of work anymore. I've been asked to come in tomorrow from 9 to 2. Yayness.

Lesee. Oh, I got a note from Cavennia here on NuTang which surprised me because I hadn't heard from her in a long, long time and since I've been thinking about the past a lot, it's nice to hear from someone who is from it.

Now. I'm waiting for James to get back so I can ride in the car.

YAYAYAY! *pees self*

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Just got back from dropping off James at work. Looks like we all got weird working schedules for Thursday. James works from 8-3, I work 1-5, and Brian works 4-10. >.< I have the car, though.

I didn't go to bed until around 3am, thanks to James. *has rope marks on wrists and will be sore for a few days* So I've gotten about four hours of sleep. I'm guessing I'll get about three to almost four more hours of sleep until I have to wake up for work again because I am definitely am not up for the day.

I have a feeling that James will more than likely end up having to move me. I haven't thought it out completely yet and haven't asked, but I'll see tomorrow about what needs to be done since I'm moving in three days now. I can't believe I'll be sleeping in Petersburg Sunday night.

Honestly, there's nothing that is making me anxious to get back. Anna had just left Petersburg when I moved I think, so she's not there anymore. :( I mean, I have my family of course. Ahh. There is school, but I'm not starting until January. Hopefully, I will get the job at Michaels. Actually, I may be able to snatch two jobs. I'm hoping to get one at the mall's movie theatre since it basically sucks now. The only thing that would suck about it is getting $7.25 at Michaels and getting probably $5.15 at the mall. Eh. Money is money, I guess and I need a lot of it.

Anna asked me last week for my address and said that she had something to send me. She wouldn't tell me until a couple of days ago that it was a little bit of cash. She says that she has it in an envelope, but hasn't mailed it yet. I don't even care if she does it not. I mean, I need the money, but it just really made me happy that she thought of me.

It's nice to know who my real friends are.

I've been messing up by buying other people things and breaking myself to where I may just not have enough money to send myself home. But I've realized that I should only do that for people who would do it for me. I mean, I've always realized it, it's just time to act like it. ^.^ I love my Anner. I want to take her out to eat or something when I get my first paycheck from whatever job I get when I move back.

You know, I've never really considered it before, but I've been thinking lately that I might be bipolar. It's something I want to have checked out, but of course, I'm poor. If I am, it's definitely something that needs to be checked out because I see that as way more dangerous than social anxiety. I find it a bit embarrassing. I just know that... something is not right. I've been way too frickin' sensitive lately, but it seems just a tad bit more than just sensitivity.

Maybe it's the McDonalds.

Anywho! Today will be my last day of work here. :( I will miss everyone. I need to buy a big card to thank all of my co-workers tonight and give it to the store when I pick up my check tomorrow.

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