I'm eating a meatless burger.

This is my first time eating one. It tastes fine. I mean, if I could get out of my head that it looks like meat, but it's not, it'd probably taste even better.

I mean, it's just not right. Meatless burger? WTF? That's like... a penisless man.

It's just... not right.

I'm not feeling well today. When James leaves for work, maybe I can unwind and make myself feel better. I think I've been blinding myself.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I...

Okay. Nevermind.

Something needs to change, but I don't know what. It needs to change fast. Because something is changing with me fast. I don't like it. Therefore, something else needs to change so what's changing with me will stop changing.

Change.

Then I won't feel inadequate.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Stoppp.

Don't stop.

Okay. I'm okay. I'm o... kay.

God, I am. I really am.

What happens happens.

It happens.

I will be fine. Yeah. Tammi will be fine.

As always. Always.

Always.

Sleep, is what I need. I'll save the thinking for tomorrow.

I'll just get in bed with James. I'll forget it. Forget? Yeah, that always does it.

For a little while anyway. Right?

Right.

Right, right, right, right, right, right...

GOD.

It's my fault. It's all my fault.

I bring such stupid crap upon myself. God damn it. GOD!

Fucking loser.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

So James and I were joking while semi-arguing. I had asked him if it was alright for me to go to the mall tomorrow with my car and added that I would also put gas in the car to replace what I'd used. He then said, "I don't really want you to because it's gas I paid for."

Later, I argued that he shouldn't eat my pudding since I paid for it. Then he argues that I should stop using his internet since it's his.

I think it's really funny and begin laughing.

I accidentally deeply inhale a rice chip so that it's wedged between my throat and tonsils.

I think this is also funny.

I start laughing harder and I can't breathe.

James asks if I'm okay.

I laugh harder while choking.

Eventually, I walk over to the trash can to cough up and spit out the rice chip.

After, I'm still laughing with tears almost in my eyes.

*giggle* I still think it's funny and this happened a few minutes ago.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

Yup. I just got off of work. Man, there's something wrong with me. It's like the withdrawals I was having are still there. haha. God damn internet addiction.

So, at work I knocked over four bottles of tiki torch fuel. I just walked straight into a stand of them. No one saw it, but it was embarrassing. I've been quite absent-minded all day. I'm not even sure why. It's like by the time I realize that I'm day-dreaming, I forget what I was thinking.

A customer told me today that I have an unusual friendly smile. Good thing, I suppose? She said it with a smile. Someone that comes in frequently told me yesterday that I was the friendliest cashier there. If they keep it up, I might actually feel bad leaving that store to go back to Virginia. A lot of the customers talk to me like I'm a woman. I mean, I am physically, but... I don't know what I'm trying to say. It's just a weird transition - getting old.

I'm anxious to get back to Virginia, but I really will miss some things here. First off, I'll miss broadband. I'll miss living in a big city. I'll miss some of the quirky things that the people at my job do.

James called during a rush. Jessica answered it and put him on hold. After I cleared out the customers, I walked by Jessica and she told me I had a call on line one. O.o Yeah, that's rare. I'd told James not to call me at work because I'm always busy answering phones and multi-tasking and the store only has three lines. But he called to tell me that he got the GM job. I was happy for him.

He wasn't as excited as I expected him to be. He said he wasn't happy because I won't be here to share it with him or something to that extent. *sigh*

I felt bad this morning when we woke up because he really, really wants us to work and I just don't have the desire to. I don't want to be with James - not one bit. I do wish we could've fixed what was there over a year ago and maybe there is some sadness with that, but really, I don't want him that way anymore.

It makes me sad to see how that hurts him, though. He's doing a great job of trying to work things out with me now, but I really wish he would've done that a long time ago. Really. I appreciate it now, but I would've really appreciated it before when I had those sort of feelings for him.

Now. I'm going to make a couple of phone calls, or maybe just one. :P Then I need ta feed mah bellay.

<333 Jason Mraz and his talentednessity <333

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

September 1st at 10:59am
I’m on a bus back to Wilmington right now. It’s irritating to write because this ride is bumpy and I have a lot to say. My CD keeps skipping too and I’m trying to listen to Fall Out Boy. (God, I lovex3 this CD!)

I read a letter from Mom that she told me to read on the bus. It was nice, but nothing she’d never said before. I’m glad that our departure at the station wasn’t tear-jerking like usual. I appreciated the letter.

Speaking of appreciation, I spent a lot of time with Quint. I’m very, very glad that I got to spend time with him. I’ve always appreciated Quint – in ways that he may not even completely understand if I tried to explain it to him – but I’d almost forgotten what I actually left here in Virginia. (I’m just passing Dinwiddie now).

Sitting around and talking with him was the best part, but I was also involved in other activities with him if you catch my drift. Me, being so freaking passive and submissive, didn’t initially entertain this idea (even if it had previously been in my mind), but I’m the one who offered to see him the third time yesterday, pick him up, and bring him back to my house. *removes devil horns* I don’t regret it. In fact, I enjoyed it a lot.

Heh. There’s still a tightness in my neck where a hickey should be so every time I turn my head to look out of the window at the trees or passing cars, I’m reminded. God, I don’t understand how he gets me so hot like that. It’s not normal.

Oh, I do have a point. I feel like if Quint tells Kisha what happened last night and she gives him more trouble (not a very fitting word, but it’ll due for now) than she’s already seemingly giving him, it’ll be my fault because I really didn’t have to bring him to my house last night. Despite whatever it is I feel about that boy, I don’t want to screw things up for him and make him unhappy.

Yeah, whatever I feel. I’m not even thinking of trying to figure that out for a few reasons, the main one being that it really doesn’t matter at all in any case. I like being friends with Quintus and I know where his mind is. My mindset is on straightening up what I’ve wrecked (school). I won’t lie about it, though. He’ll always have a piece of my heart as long as he’s around, I believe. I accept it… and whatever… It’s something that just is. I don’t usually like openly admitting things like that, but I’m tired of bullshitting around with myself. I’ve even told people, Quint’s the only guy to easily be able to recognize what makes me happy and what doesn’t and just fucking not upset me – sensitive me. It’s something I like.

Kisha should be happy.

Mm, had to tell James what happened. Actually, I didn’t even get to tell him because he assumed it before I could say anything about it. I told him that we needed to talk when I got back. At this point, I was tired and I didn’t want to be like, “Yeah, I had sex with Quint. Good night, James, I’ll see you at the bus station tomorrow.” He badgered me and plagued me with, “I knew it!”, “Something happened between you two!”, and “You said you didn’t even want to see him when you got there!” The icing on the cake was when he said he kept calling me because he was worried. I thought to myself, God, I feel bad for making him worry about me. Then he says very shortly that he meant he was worried that something would happen between me and Quint. That’s why he was worried. Not because he hadn’t talk to me.

Wtf? WTF?!

Oh boy, it set me off. How selfish is that? We really need to talk. Apparently my saying “We can’t be more than friends ever again” means “We can work things out”. It’s why I wanted to talk to him in person so I could clarify this stuff.

I really think moving will resolve a lot of things. James and I need less of each other. I need school. He needs to focus. I do think I’ll be lonely for a while since the only people I know in Petersburg now are Quint, Amber, and Josh. Josh is after my ass, I haven’t physically seen Amber since last October, and I can’t smother Quint. But like I’ve said, my mind is on my education. At least, it needs to be.

I think I’ll take James out to eat when I get back. Hopefully, he won’t mind excluding Brian so we can talk.

Oh! How could I forget?! A certain friend of Quint’s had fun in my backyard with some girl who tried to sell me magazines for college. I was about to give details, but I won’t forget because I think it’s both extremely ironic and hilarious. Also, I may just put everything I’ve written while away on NuTang and Livejournal. I’m sure no one wants to hear about it.

Time for Socialburn and some Twizzlers and the rest of this six-hour ride back to hell.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!