Wow, I've slept a lot. I slept from 10ish to 5ish in the morning, then I slept again from 6ish to 2ish. These cramps are really getting to me. On top of that, when I woke up the last time, I had a boo-boo, so I had to take a shower that I really didn't want to take. Being a woman is great, but I'll be damned if it doesn't have its downsides.

So apparently, there's something I've been wanting to admit to myself because it was screaming at me in a dream last night. I really do want to be in love. I don't even care if I'm loved back in the same way, but it's been a long time since I've been head-over heels for someone. I mean love, like, even in their imperfections, they seem perfect. The kind of love that blinds you? The love for a person that makes you feel priviledged to just be able to love that one person? Oh yeah, that's nice.

I don't mean the kiddy-type of love where you say that you love someone one day and the next you declare that you hate them. I don't mean the "I love you, but I also like three other people". I definitely don't mean the kind of love in which you can forget the "loved one" in a matter of days upon discovering a new person.

James told me the other night that I should get back in touch with Robert. I didn't realize until this morning that the reason I haven't heard from him is because I changed my cell phone number. I haven't verbally spoken to him in a very long time and I can't contact him by anything other than mail because he's in Iraq. I believe I've lost his mailing address. James told me that he really liked how Robert treated me. I did, too and although he was never really my boyfriend, I could've fallen in love with him in a heartbeat. Of all the guys I've dated, Robert was the most gentle with me. I mean, I'm not seriously thinking about him, but it'd be nice to hear his voice.

I know that I can't choose who I do and don't fall in love with, but I know I have choice in who I date. There are just certain types of guys I should stray from. Not even just as a boyfriend, but even a potential boyfriend. Life isn't long enough to waste time, you know? Considering the relationship I had with James, which was pretty serious and looking toward marraige, I can't do the kiddy relationships anymore.

These are definitely the kind of guys I can't date:

- Ones that still have a high school mindset. In that, I mean that they're a walking stereotype of their choosing and they don't have many responsibilities other than school.
- Ones that'll run to their friends about their problems in a relationship with me, instead of just straightforwardly presenting it to me as an issue.
- Of course, the ones that like a different girl every month.
- Ones that can't come to me about how they feel, as I do with them.
- Ones who are able to brush me off within a day.
- Ones who still have feelings or thoughts for their ex's, whether it be a romantic liking or hatred.
- Ones who talk at me instead of having a conversation with me.
- Ones who have to struggle to be faithful.
- Ones who are powered by sex.

Now, this is what I'd appreciate:
- Someone who is honest under all circumstances.
- Someone who will give me their attention when in need.
- Someone smart, but not boastful or arrogant.
- Someone with a lot of goals and willing to help me with mine and encourage me.
- Someone considerate.
- Someone who sees me as an equal.
- Someone who is there for me when I'm down, as I would be with him.

So maybe it's not a matter of just a few things, but I don't see it as much to ask for in a mate. But amazingly, I've been running into guys that are the epitome of what I don't like in a guy, or just a person in general, and somehow I'll end up falling in love with them. Hm? Maybe I'm not worth having someone who'll do the things for me that I'd do for them. It's not something that's seriously disturbing me right now, but it's something to ponder. Maybe I settle for less a lot. I don't expect to have precisely what I want, but - loving imperfections just the same or not - it's nice to be at least halfway there.

---

Anywho. Yesterday was my last day of work. I told James yesterday that I was hugged by so many white people, you would've thought I was Oprah. I said bye to Christie (surpervisor) and Jessica (another supervisor), Tim (store manager), and Deborah (asst. store manager) hugged me. I kind of wanted to say bye to Conner, but I got hooked up in a conversation with Jessica outside. I would've liked to keep in touch with her, like by e-mail or something, but I think it'd be best if I had little to no attachment here in Wilmington. It's definitely a place I'll consider coming back to when I have a career, though.

Let's see? So what happens when I get home? I go to Michaels to talk to the store manager and perhaps start a job there as soon as possible and seek another part-time job, probably seasonal. If not, then I'm on a serious job hunt for a while.

James gave me the idea of moving into the basement when I move home. That would take a hell of a lot of moving, but I think it's possible. The only thing is, I don't know if it's something I want. We've had people try at least four or five times to break into our basement, and once or twice, they actually suceeded. I don't know if I could sleep well downstairs after that happening. James said I could have bars put on the windows, but I think it's not worth the money. The idea is supposed to keep me and my mom from arguing and me feeling more independent (with an "apartment" and all), but I don't really think that would stop us. I just have to put up with her shit for two to three more years so I can get through school. After I get my associate's I plan on getting a decent job, moving out if possible, and continuing with school.

---

I was interrupted mid-entry by James' mom and friend so I went in the back and I'm here again now. I'm renting the U-Haul tomorrow and actually moving on Monday. So it looks like I will be packing for the rest of today and tomorrow. James said that he will help me, but I'm not holding him to that.

I've been talking to this guy named Levy online for over a year now. Our plans are to finally meet when I get home. He lives in Prince George and seems to be a total oreo like me. haha. We'll see how that goes. We've made a lot of plans for when I get back. One of them is a party. He invited me to go to a Halloween party in Richmond at the Nancy Raygun, so yay! I have an excuse to buy a Halloween costume this year! It'll be fun. I'm traditional so I'm thinking either cat, fairy, or bunny costume.

*crosses eyes to look at nose* I think this nose ring is pretty cool. It's a hoop. I really want black titanium jewelry for my industrial and nose, though. :( Too bad they cost twice as much as stainless steel.

*sigh* I want money. Actually I need money for my eBay store so I can make more money.

!!! I got my letter from Richard Bland. Stupid fuckers let me back in. haha. I'm officially a college student again. But now there is conflict in whether I'm a resident of Virginia or not. I knew that was going to happen. So now I have to prove that I am still, and have been a resident of Virginia for the last six months. I can't pay out-of-state tuition.

Speaking of tuition, I have to go to Grandma to see if she'll pay for this semester's. Gah. It's not even really the matter of if she wants to - it's if she can. I hate to ask, but I'd definitely pay her back if she wanted or needed me to throughout the year, but I really, really don't want to wait until Fall 2006 semester. That's too damn long away. On top of that, I have a list of every single class I want to take until I get my associate's degree, so I won't need to take more than three or four semesters of school so I need to get what I want. (Fuck, I'm behind.)

I know I can file for financial aid at any time, but I think it's too late to have them pay for the next semester. Gah, I really have no idea. I just really need to talk to the school as much as I can without my dimwitted mother. (Mom, I love you to death, but sometimes you really fuck up things that I can and just need to do on my own.)

I really hope all works out well. That goes for school, my social life, my love life, ways of transportation, my job/career, my relationship with my family, and my "friendship" with James. What's most important right now though is school and career.

Speaking of career? I think I want Business to be my minor. I've seriously thought this out, but right now, my main focus is Graphic and Web Design. ^.^

Okay, okay. I'm going to pack.

!!! Bought a new vibrator last night. LOL It's 7", thicker than my last, and pink. Yayness!

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.