James and I have been getting along slightly better lately. I've concluded that there's a good chance that he will never understand me, though. It doesn't matter too much to me anymore, honestly. I do think there are certain things he should be able to understand, but I can't hold the fact that he doesn't against him.

I'm really not the type to just stop caring and flip emotions like light switches, but I refuse to keep running my head into a brick wall when it does nothing but hurt me. This goes for a lot of things going on in my life right now.

I was sitting in the bathroom, wrapped in my blanket, crying yesterday morning...

Oh. This was after me and James took Shane to the Emergency Room. He had cut down a tree two days ago and was hit in the eye by a chunk of tree. He was fine, but when he awakened yesterday morning, he said he could hardly see.

Anywho. James was asleep when I was crying, but I somehow managed to wake him. (Mind you, I've done this many times before and he didn't wake up, so no, I didn't do it for attention. I don't like people watching me cry.) So he ran in and asked me what was wrong and if I'd hurt myself. I told him that I hadn't, which is the truth. He took me by the hand and led me to his bed. I hadn't slept but four or five hours.

When we were in bed he kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn't want to talk about it. I mean, I did, I just couldn't right then without bursting into tears. Lots of things have been bothering me. Frankly, I'm tired of talking about it or at least typing about it. So he just wrapped me up in my blanket and held me tightly. I kept jumping when I'd drift off, but I eventually fell into a deep sleep where I had dreams that I can't remember.

I got my Spookie Daly Pride "Medicine Chest" CD today. ^.^ It's nice and mellow, but upbeat too. It's definitely different than any other CD I've bought and far from anything played on the radio nowadays. I haven't listened to all of it yet, but I'm trying to now. I grabbed it from the mailbox about an hour ago.

I got my pink Livejournal t-shirt, too. =X Sorry, NuTang. Maybe you guys should sell shirts.

I feel decent today. I think I'm doing pretty well considering how shitty I do feel generally. I feel stronger and I feel just a tad proud of myself that my depression isn't affecting my normal life of going to work or my plans to move and get back in school. ^.^ Though, I may have to push back my moving date to October 5th or some day around there. If not, I'm home in NINE days! Unbelievable.

I will miss this place so much. The atmosphere is what I'll really miss. I'm actually having fun with Jessica at work now so I may miss that. I'm not close with her or anything, but she's funny and I am afraid that the people at the other Michaels wont be as friendly. I actually had a fifteen minute conversation with Tim yesterday. Hah, It's cool telling people about myself when they know almost nothing about me. I always seem to surprise them somehow.

I think moving away from James will change a lot of things. I said I wouldn't remain "friends" with James after I left. This is going under serious reconsideration. I've noticed that I make rash decisions and I hold myself to things that are sometimes just impossible or not exactly totally reasonable. Not to say that that decision was rash, but it was made when I was unstable. I'm not Superwoman.

So much for me being detached. ;D Oh well, I'm far from being inhuman. There has only been one person I've completely cut from my life and that was Stephanie. It hurt like hell, but she deceived me for a year and a half. They were complete lies. I couldn't let that go on.

Moving out will change a lot of things and if it gives us clearer minds to where we can straighten out issues, then I will think about just not talking as much. We used to talk two to five times a day before I moved here six months ago. Maybe it should be restricted to once a week or so. That's a reasonable decision.

When it comes down to it, James has always been there for me. Despite our huge fights, if I desperately needed something, he has been there. The majority of the time, he's honest with how he feels too, even if it's something I don't like.

Over the years, many people have been frivolous or flippant with me, dubbing me "best friend" (only of the month, of course) or "the only one who is/does ____ for me" (until they're ready to give that title to someone else). In other words: trying to make me feel special or one-of-a-kind when it's not the case. In teen years, I believe this behavior is typical and even I acted in that manner when I was sixteen-ish, but I don't do it anymore only because it's not fair and it singles out people and it would make me an ungrateful person and I'm not. So it's not me trying to make James seem special or like a special case; it's just a fact.

And I can't have a pack of friends that I keep passing around a special title to. That goes for everyone including family members or potential mates. So I don't normally say things like, "My grandfather was the only family to help me succeed" or "[So-and-so] was the only boyfriend to be honest with me". The only thing that I can say that is remotely like that is that James is always there for me and if I came to him crying, he'd be all ears. That doesn't single anyone out, but maybe also stating that he's the only one I trust I can take completely seriously and feel comfortable doing that with does.

But to this day, it's true.

Okay. Going to eat my Steak'um sandwich and watch soap operas. :D

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I'm not happy.

:)

All smiles, though.

I don't exist today. No, not today. Phone is off.

(God damn going to work. This is my last day actually closing the store.)

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Can't do it. I hate being human.

I guess I'll just be a nice girl who finishes last. It's my fate, I suppose. At least I'll have my dignity, even if it leaves me lonely. Music. I have that, too. (I really hope my Angelfish CD comes in today.)

I went to bed around 3am last night, I think. I went without James this time. Usually, I'll wait around for him, but I felt so bad that I just wanted to lie in bed. James even came in to ask what was wrong. I need to start keeping a journal again. It sucks not having anyone to really talk to. I mean, I do, and I appreciate those couple of people, but I don't have anyone I feel completely comfortable sharing my feelings with. I'm thinking that's just my fault, though.

Ah. I won't cry about it. I should only need myself, anyway. I need to work on being independent.

I know what kind of tattoo I'm getting next. My last one was meaningless and I didn't want my fourth to be meaningless as well, so I haven't gotten one in a while. I'm going to have "Make Yourself" tattooed on my left wrist, right where I normally cut myself. ^.^ That way, I'd be very reluctant to do it anymore. Of course, I'll have more than just the phrase, but I'm not sure yet. I want to design it myself, I do know that.

Of course, I don't have the money for that sort of thing just yet. I'm not too worried about it, but I think it's a great idea for a tattoo. It'll certainly be my favorite.

Holy shit! I forgot! Somehow, some way, I remembered what yesterday was last night, in a dream. It came to me in a dream! O.o I hadn't thought about that day last year in frickin' months. Hooray for being obsessed with dates. Hah. I mean, it's nothing huge or anything, but AIM me if you'd like to know.

LucidBlurX AIM me regardless. I'm lonely.

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I actually had a full night's sleep yesterday, so today seemed decent. I was in a better mood because I was full of energy. Work wasn't bad at all and I didn't take a break. Jessica showed off her new tattoo which looks extremely hot. I never thought of getting a tattoo on my wrist. Jessica's seemed to be three by three. I definitely want to get one, but I just have to figure out how I would cover it later in case of job dispute.

Jessica was bumping butts with me tonight. haha. I found it very amusing for some reason.

A lot of the customers were nice, too. Not only that, but I didn't get overwhelmed with the telephone calls, tasks that needed to be done, and just doing the simple things that I do every day that I work.

I really need to start sleeping more. Really. I think it would help a lot. I mean, I knew that before, but I didn't know how much of an impact having a good night's sleep would have until I went to work today.

Tim told me again at work that he was going to miss me. ^.^ I will really miss my job here. I am not close with anyone, but it's just the atmosphere that everyone - as a whole - creates. I know it won't be the same working at the other Michaels. It makes me very sad.

I've made peace with a lot of things in just the last couple of days. I stress out so much over what's right and what's wrong, what I need to change, what I should do, and etc. I'm making that stop. I'm letting go of things.

I'm tired of feeling hurt and bad so often, so I've just decided to stop feeling. It feels good. ^.^ I'm just doing whatever the fuck I want, whether it's right or wrong morally or if it's vain and inconsiderate. God damn, now I see why people are assholes.

I don't get shit out of doing things right. It's true: nice girls finish last.

Of course, this will change if I feel I need to. Like, if it's hurting someone. I don't want to do anything to directly hurt anyone. ^.^ But as long as it isn't and I'm happy, it doesn't fucking matter.

I come first, mofo.

Now. I'm horny. And because it doesn't matter what's right and what's wrong anymore...

-----edited-----

I'm bad at judging people's characters.

And.

Please don't talk to me if you only want to hear yourself talk. Don't call me and don't speak to me if when we talk, it's just me hearing about you. I'm tired of people coming to me with their shit, forgetting that I am also a person with daily problems, leaving the only person for me to go to being James.

Really. What the FUCK does that say?

And it sucks also because I'm always the last person that people go to. Oh jeez, no one else is there for me. So let me go to Tammi because she'll stick around at least until someone I REALLY want to talk to comes around.

Fuck all of you. Fakes.

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Three o'clock in the afternoon is early for me. I'm usually sleeping until 3:15, then I'll hop up and rush for work. I went to bed around 5am because I stayed up for two hours making a necklace. It looks pretty cool. I mean, I am just a beginner.

I think I might have been wrong about James. Not wrong as in he's not an asshole, but wrong about how things will be two weeks from now.

I haven't been dealing with myself, if that makes sense.

Even if it doesn't, I'm going to take a twenty-minute nap until I need to get up for work.

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