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Tried to give you Summer,
But I'm Winter.
Wish I could make you Spring,
But I Fall so hard.

It is I, Tammi.


lucidblur
Age. 38
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. Black
Location Petersburg, VA
School.
» More info.
What needs to be done?
- Finish painting
- File FAFSA
- Wash clothes
- Gather yardsale items
- Hang out with Levy
- Relax hair
- Unpack
- Buy Jimmy Eat World album
- Request credit report
- Close FSNB account
- Register for classes
Speak Free!




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Mood

Right now, I feel: The current mood of lucidblur@yahoo.com at www.imood.com
Inside my Mind

Extra Links
Lyrics of the Moment
In my fantasy I'm a pantomime
I'll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean
Words are too messy
And it's way past time
To end in my mouth

Paint my face white and tried
Reinvent the sea
One wave at a time
Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy no such thing as time
Minutes bleed into days
Avant garde
Show me your heresies
And I'll show you mine
We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy you look good entwined
In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine
You're my deep secret
I'm your pantomime
I'll just move my hands
I promise you'll see what I mean


Incubus : Pantomime
Shows!
Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2001

Hoobastank, Incubus
Norfolk, VA
September 2001

Phantom Planet, Incubus
Richmond, VA
June 2002

30 Seconds to Mars, Incubus
Virginia Beach, VA
September 2002

Jepetto, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
March 2003

Lollapalooza: The Distillers, The Donnas, Queens of the Stone Age, Jurassic 5, Incubus, Audioslave, Jane's Addiction
Bristow, VA
August 2003

Mest, Goldfinger, Good Charlotte
Richmond, VA
October 2003

Alien Ant Farm, 311
Richmond, VA
November 2003

Y101 Birthday Bash: Steriogram, Marcy Playground, HIM, Puddle of Mudd
Richmond, VA
May 2004

Spooky Daly Pride, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
June 2004

Ben Kweiler, Incubus
Richmond, VA
October 2004

Copper, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
January 2005

Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2005

Switchfoot
Norfolk, VA
November 2005
I have Pictures!
Wednesday. 8.24.05 4:23 am
Finally, eh? :P Decided not to post Shane's artwork. His paintings are usually not very original, but I think the world could live without seeing them. Buuut... I have pictures from today of my job and me screwing around in the car while driving to the mall.











Excuse me looking high for being rained on. haha. Good night, folks.

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I'm Soaking Wet.
Tuesday. 8.23.05 8:21 pm
Get your mind out of the gutter. haha. I am wet, though. I'm wet from the rain. I swear, Wilmington's weather is so weird sometimes.

I'm at James' job right now on the store's computer. I came here just a few minutes ago because I was shopping around the corner from here and when I was done, I could hardly see in the rain to drive. So my solution was to just come here and wait for James and Brian to close the store and we all go home together.

Speaking of home, I called Mom earlier because I found out my hours for next week. She said she'd pay for half of my ticket, so it was really a waste of time. But I did get to see the new cashier. I have no thoughts yet about her.

James told me that the girlfriend his co-worker, Rhyne, was raped and mugged walking home from school to her apartment. Stuff like this makes me really... I don't know. I want to say mad, but really, it makes me sad.

I really don't know why I'm making an entry. I guess I'm just bored out of my mind and I know I will be here waiting for at least another hour or two. Maybe I should finally work on my site since I keep putting it off and this computer is a lot faster than the one at home. Too bad I left the cord for my camera at home or I could just put all of the pictures I have on it on here, too. :P

Maybe later.

I recorded 106th and Park, which I never watch, so I can see if Tyra's new video is on the countdown. (I'm only watching because she's from my hometown, haha. I even voted. I know I'm wrong and biased.) I know it premiered a couple of days ago and I don't see it on demand like her first single, but oh well. I've only heard about ten seconds of it. I want to hear this songgg.

Oh! I bought an SWV album yesterday. haha. I've been listening to old R&B stuff lately. It just makes me a little sad because...

Just because.

Someone won't leave my mind. It's stupid and he has no reason to be there anymore. I really don't understand and I feel kiddy because of it.

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I'm a Ghost.
Monday. 8.22.05 9:20 pm
The saying "Never frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile" has never meant so little and has never seemed like such ludicrous in my life. I like to think I'm optimistic and I even admit to sometimes even being delusional because of it for periods of time.

My smile? I used to think it said a lot. I have a smile for every event - simple and awkward - and every feeling. There is happy, disappointed, accomplished, failure, anxious, thoughtful, grateful, embarrassed, doubtful, and the list goes on. I wonder if arrogance is what makes me believe that these smiles are so easily distinguished from each other.

Maybe not. I feel like I can read someone just by observing them for a few moments, even without a personal interaction. I wonder if anyone attempts this with me. I know for sure that my life story is burried way below the surface, but I wonder what the majority of people's first impression is of me. It's all in the eye of the beholder, but I also have to wonder if just my aura is even strong enough to make it beyond the eye and into the mind of perception.

My stability was sufficient before my teen years. I don't believe I had a clue about who I was, but I feel as if I may have tried so hard to understand the way I work and operate that I'm not much more than a reprogrammable robot. I know that I can't go back to how I was before in the way I'd like because I'm too afraid that I may again become a mold of my surroundings. That is on top of the natural process of growing up and opening doors that you can't close that make this merely impossible.

Unlearning. Sounds great, but is hard as a bitch to do.

So what to do? My best guess is to just stop giving a fuck. Gee, if it were only that simple. Sometimes I feel like someone's test or lab rat in a maze and my anxiety has eaten my personality. I feel like I lie to people, but I know I'm not. I feel sure that people lie to me, too. Oh, deception.


Falling in love with my smile, huh? Crock of shit. Knowing that my disappearance wouldn't change anyone's fate+ or destiny+ is more than a piss on my self-esteem. I like to think that I make a difference. I'm at the point where I wouldn't care much whether it was negatively or positively. I just want to know that I matter.

* I still have issues with these words.

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Where'd the Time Go?
Monday. 8.22.05 12:34 am
I didn't call Anna. Oops.

James, Brian, and I ended up going out to eat at Cici's. Then we went to the new store that James is going to run. It looks very nice. Too bad I won't be here to see much of what he's going to do.

Cici's was fun, especially me and James implanting visions of dirty images into Brian's head that brothers shouldn't ever come close to thinking of his sibling doing:

Me: *plays around with James' face and accidentally pokes him in the eye*
James: Ow!
Me: I didn't mean to do that! *kisses his eye*
James: Ew, you got your drool in my eye.
Me: *stares at him*
James: *stares at me*
Me: WELL! I've gotten worse in my eye.
Brian: *disgusted look* ...

lmao. You'd have to be there. Funny thing is, I was serious. Then in the car:

Brian: James, want to rent a TV tomorrow?
Tammi: *blink* What's the TV for?
James: He's mad because his TV doesn't work in color anymore and it just shows in black and white.
Tammi: What happened to it?
James: Brian [ejaculated] on it too many times.
Tammi: If [jizz] is powerful enough to do that to your eyesight, then how come I still see in color after you..?
Brian: *more disgusted look*

rofl. Okay. Maybe it is TMI, but I think it's hilarious.

I'm seriously considering buying a camcorder. I almost bought one tonight actually. I'm just not sure how to buy them and what's compatible with the equipment I have. I have enough money right now to buy a decent one and still not be broke. ^.^ I may just pass on that for now because I don't really have a good reason to buy one. I don't really need it.

I should be more focused on a down payment for a new car.

But I can always treat myself to a pair of contacts and some zero gauge eyelets. That may just have to do for now.

Oh, and the pictures... I have them. I just haven't uploaded them yet. ^.~ Stay tuned.

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I Deserve a Raise.
Sunday. 8.21.05 4:26 pm
I do. I worked my arse off at work today. I feel accomplished, though, even if some things happened to tick me off. I'm so happy to be off now that I don't care very much.

I leave for Virginia Thursday morning. I'm excited and anxious. I'm going to have fun when I get home, along with getting some things done. There's something I need to get back from someone, but that's not really my concern. What I really want is to get my pictures back so I can work on a photo album. I'm guessing when he feels he wants his stuff back bad enough, I'll get it back and I'll mail him his. I definitely will have to take Anna and DeWayne out to eat and me and Mom need to work on the school stuff.

And it won't be something that I just keep talking about. It will get done. I'll just have to keep patient for just a tad bit longer.

I want to call Peggy tonight about my plan stated in my previous entry, but I think I'll wait until I see her in person. I'm going to call Anna tonight, though and pitch the idea to her.

Until then...

I have to eat.

Oh, and I'll probably have pictures later. ^.^

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Going to College and Finding my Answer.
Sunday. 8.21.05 12:06 am
I have had so many ideas for my future, and over the years they've changed. Some were drastically unrealistic (ex: going to a private art institution in California at $30,000 a year) and some were under my standards (ex: going to ECPI). I have a new one:

Going to Virginia State.

I've always said that I wouldn't attend a historically black college because I've lived in a black city all of my life and I've always thrived diversity. I do still, but it's not about that anymore. I need to quit being so concerned about my surroundings and focus on what's really important: my education. If I don't have that, no matter what college I attend, I won't ever live or work in the type of place I'd like.

I'm considering this greatly. I think I'm going to base my decision of returning to Petersburg upon my acception to this college. If I don't get in, I'll get an apartment through the housing authorities in town, here in Wilmington, and work while going to Cape Fear Community College. If I do get in, I'll move back in with Mom and Grandma, and register for the Spring '06 Semester. I think these both are quite realistic and achievable.

I've already discussed this with Mom and I think when I get home, I may discuss it with Grandma. I'm not so sure, though. I may just see if I get in before telling Grandma anything since I wouldn't ask to move back unless I'm accepted (and I receive enough financial aid to cover my tuition). She really doesn't approve of what I've done, so if I say I may do something that she'd consider very smart, and decide in the end to not do it, it'd make matters worse between us.

Mom is willing to help me with the financial aid and application stuff. Bad thing is...

We both will have no idea what we're doing.

Sometimes schools aren't very helpful in the process of getting in (this excludes Richard Bland College), but hopefully, it won't be so hard. I'll talk to Anna about it. I need to anyway. I need two letters of recommendation and one from her mother would be... FABULOUS, especially since she's a teacher. Hopefully, she will do it for me and I think she will. ^.^

I didn't want Peggy (my aunt) to know about me moving back, but if it'd be alright for her to give me a letter of recommedation, I'll do it. What would be better than to have a letter from a retired professor of VSU and the person who helped me get my GED and into Richard Bland?

But she's still my aunt. Heh. So that's very doubtful. I'll look into it, I guess. They don't have to know she's my great aunt, but Peggy is sometimes surprisingly righteous (in a good way, of course... I guess).

---

I worked today from 9 o'clock in the morning until 2:30 in the afternoon after only having three hours of sleep. I have James to thank for that. *adjusts halo* I had to a demo for the first time. haha, I had fun with the erasable markers and stuff. I wish they'd let me do that more.

Oh well.

I really hope I can get into VSU. They have a great Graphic Design program, it seems.

It'd also be nice if I can transfer to the Michaels in Colonial Heights.

I feel like I've finally found my answer and the path I need to take. I promise not to disappoint myself anymore. I'll be twenty-one next April, I need to get crackin'.

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