August 30th at 3:14pm
I just got back from Josh’s house. I’d gone to Richard Bland to speak to someone and get papers to reapply. I saw Quint walking to his dad’s office when I parked. So I texted him when I was done with my stuff. He wasn’t feeling well, so while I was driving home, I stopped at Burger King to bring him a milkshake to attempt to cheer him up. Haha, Old times. Hopefully, I didn’t give him the wrong impression.

When I got back, I drove around the dead end circle on my street and decided to leave Josh a note on his house for him to call me. I’d seen his car while I was there, but never got to actually see and talk to him. I know he was going to Virginia State and I wanted to see if he’d help me with that.

Apparently, it won’t be hard at all to get back to RBC; it’s as easy as filling out an application. But VSU has a killer Graphic Design program. Gr. Maybe I’ll transfer… later.

Baby steps!

It was nice catching up with him. He’s the only guy besides James that I don’t get weird, awkward butterfly feelings around. So we caught up with each other before he had to go to his class.

He asked me to come back and hang with him after his last class. Haha, I even told Quint this earlier: it takes me a lot more than once to learn my lesson – usually three times. I am going back and it doesn’t seem like too bad of an idea because he didn’t flirt with me. So maybe he won’t try to seduce me? The only thing he said was that my hips were bigger (along with other assorted body parts) and that I look very womanly now, which I’ve already heard since I’ve been here. I don’t think that was flirting.

If Josh would completely detach or control his hormones, we’d have a pretty good friendship. He joked that he wanted me to give him something for his 21st birthday, which was a couple of weeks ago. I told him that he didn’t give me anything. He requested a million dollars and I said I’d give him a cupcake with a single candle in it. It was funny. Just because he gave me a hard time about that, I’m going to go out quickly to get him something. In return, I want him to buy me some 99 Bananas.

We had great conversations, man. I wish I had girlfriends I could talk to.

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August 30th at 1:39am
I’m back here again already. I think I may sleep well tonight because I’m tired. I ended up going out with Mom to visit Buck and Shawn and to go to the mall. We went to Michaels and I bought Grandma something and Mom a few things.

I asked a girl working there if they were hiring. She said that they’d just hired six new people, but I could always transfer there. She seemed nice, but I would definitely feel out of place. I mean, I’m one of two black people at the Michaels that I work now and it’s alright, but I didn’t see one black person in the one located in Colonial Heights. Typically, that’s my ideal workplace, but Colonial Heights is historically known for being a racist area. I guess I’ll just worry about that later.

Baby steps, I said.

We went into Best Buy and I bought Mom a reggae CD. I bought myself two CDs: Fall Out Boy and Jason Mraz. I absolutely love the new Fall Out Boy album. I think they have older albums. I neeeeed them.

It feels nice to be able to buy things for people and treat them (although I should be saving it for me to move). I bought stuff for Grandma, Mom, and Anna. On top of that, I’m scheduled to take Peggy out for lunch before I leave. I even almost bought Quint a Mariah Carey CD. Haha. But I called him made up some bullshit about me thinking of buying it for myself just to see if he already had it. He did.

And Amber called me earlier and I missed it. I tried getting back in touch, but couldn’t. I asked her to call me tomorrow if she gets a chance. I’m going to Richard Bland tomorrow and had planned on going shopping with Grandma, but she doesn’t feel well tonight. So maybe me and Amber can do something.

Oh, Richard Bland. I talked to Grandma about me moving back in. She’s fine with it. Ironically, she mentioned my trying to get into VSU. The bottom line is: I just can’t afford it.

Again, baaaby steps.

I will focus on completing Spring semester at RBC and go from there.

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August 29th at 2:23pm

I just saw Tyra’s new music video on BET. I’d wanted to see it. It’s really nice to see someone from this shithole (Petersburg) accomplish their big dreams. I don’t know Tyra personally and I’ve only exchanged a few words with her, but I’d been seeing her perform since I was hardly a teenager. It’s just nice.

I’m avoiding James’ phone calls. I really don’t want to leave and I’m not looking forward to seeing him Thursday. Grandma called me into her room and jokingly said, only with a hint of seriousness, that she wasn’t going to let me leave because she needed me here. It made me feel a little bad. I am going to sit down and talk to her tomorrow when we go out – hopefully, that will be without Mom. I want to talk about me moving back and going to Richard Bland College again. I would be paying for that, of course.

Mom told me about a savings account that Grandma has just in case something happens to her. I don’t want her to, but if I had no other way, I’m pretty sure she’d help. I’m trying to be realistic and take baby steps. Since I don’t feel like I have Peggy to help me get into VSU anymore, I’ll settle for RBC. (I’m not so sure that’s “settling”.) Maybe I could somehow eventually go to William & Mary. I just wish I didn’t decide this too late to go to school this Fall.

Well, looks like I did what I said I wouldn’t. I’m sitting here today with nothing to do and I’m about to be left home by myself. Great. I think I’ll take a walk now.

August 29th at 6:27pm
I’m sitting in the living room eating good macaroni and cheese that I made and scratching bug bites on my ankles. I don’t know where they came from or why they’re so bad. One even looks infected. It hurts.

I haven’t been feeling right for the last hour or so. It’s going to be weird not having James in my life. I don’t remember what it’s like to have pretty much no one. I should get over it quickly if I just keep reminding myself that what we “have” isn’t really anything at all. We only had the potential of being great friends. But it’s been two and a half years now, so it really won’t exactly be easy.

On that note, I’ve still been ignoring James’ calls. I think it’s best. I shouldn’t talk to him until I have to. God, I really can’t believe what I’ve dealt with for so long. I’ve degraded myself for so long and I just can’t believe I’ve allowed it to ever happen.

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August 29th at 4:43am
I am tired of feeling foolish because of James. I keep thinking – even considering everything he has done that has upset me – that me and James can work out our problems so we can be friends. We have a lot of problems and I know of the ones that would be difficult for him to change although they aren’t nearly impossible. That’s not something I hold against him.

I don’t understand what’s so god damn hard to him about not doing things that hurt my feelings or dignity. He made this awful metaphor about beating a puppy the first time it pisses on the floor so he’ll never do it again. First off, he’s not a puppy. Secondly, I’ve told him more than once about every single thing he does and says to me that makes me feel like I’m not worth a shit more than sexually. I know that he comprehends, he just doesn’t care. It’s as if he’s punishing me for no reason, or at least for a personal reason that I’m not aware of.

I told him that I know I deserve more than him. He called me spoiled for that. Then I told him that he was being childish because he wouldn’t accept that I’ve been dealing with his ungrateful ways from the beginning and I was finally done with how he treats me. So he said, “Fuck you” to me like three times before I was fed up and hung up on him.

I can’t believe he acted this way. When I get back to Wilmington, I am definitely getting out of there with the quickness. I’m sad that I’ll even have to see him again. I feel stuck.

I may not have much self-esteem, but I deserve more than James treating me like just a sex object or just someone to make himself feel better while he disrespects me and my feelings. I really just want this to be over. I want to move my belongings here and just have James out of my life. Heh, he actually acted as if I was keeping him up and from getting sufficient sleep so he could go to work. He’s the one who called me. I got bitched out for it. He is the biggest fucking asshole I’ve ever met in my life.

I don’t feel good at all because of this, but I don’t feel like harming myself like usual. Although James makes me feel like I don’t deserve more than feeling like I’m only good for sex. Although James doesn’t care if I’ve sacrificed my life for him when he never has. Although I’ve lost so much for him. Although I’ve given him so many chances when he shouldn’t have gotten more than one or two – not twenty. I bet he laughs to himself every time I give him a chance.

Ironically, what made me feel a lot better today was seeing Quintus. I was feeling shitty all day from being stuck in the house and eating greasy chicken from KFC. He called and asked to stop by. It was only for a few minutes, but the hug he surprisingly pulled me into made everything go away for the short time that it lasted. Heh, it helped me so much, I can’t even explain. It was just hugging someone who… I don’t know. Just someone I appreciate for only being themselves and making me happier than I’d ever asked for in the past. It was also a relief. I don’t feel so weird anymore.

Being here with nothing to do is a bit upsetting, though. I called Quint earlier with intentions of asking him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow, but I totally forgot before we got off the phone. Oh well. It was probably for the best because… Heh. I had a moment where I was pretty compelled to do something very unadmirable in my eyes. I hate conflict, but obviously my head isn’t always on right. I won’t screw up anything for him, though. I really wanted to hang out with someone while I’m here and catching up with him has been nice even though I thought I’d never see him again. Haha.

I think I’ll spend tomorrow pondering precisely which direction I’m going to take my life. Most importantly, how I’m getting my things back up here to Virginia.

That’s right! I’m moving back and going to school. Yesness-Yayness!

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August 28th at 12:32am
Today was quite eventful in a few ways. I stayed at Anna’s house and the whole night I couldn’t sleep. I think I fell asleep around 6am after doing tons of thinking of where I stand in my life right now. Oh, and writing Quint a letter.

The letter wasn’t very elaborate and I gave it to him today. Right after, I left quickly so me and Mom could catch the Jimmie’s Chicken Shack concert on time (which we didn’t catch, by the way. MOTHERFUCKER!). He called me about a minute after I left. I missed it and I called him back. Then we talked briefly about it. Honestly, I wasn’t looking for anything; it was just building up and I wanted to let it out. I feel a hell of a lot better now and it’s not on my mind.

Things are still awkward being here. Mom and I fought today. It was so fucking ridiculous! I swear to fucking God, I didn’t do shit. I did not do shit! She cursed and yelled irrelevant, mean comments while I didn’t say shit to her. Again, I was reminded why I left. I fill the car up with gas, treat her to dinner, dressed her ass with clothes I bought, and drove her two hours to and from the beach and she’s fucking rude for no God damn reason. I respect Mom and I even appreciate her although she has hardly done a thing to benefit anything good I’ve ever had going in my life. My mind and heart just can’t bear her insane outbursts.

Then there’s James who’s always an asshole to me. Anna and I had a good, long talk about James and I realized a lot of things. Eventually, I will need to rid James from my life. It’s depressing that the “closest” person to me literally refuses to not treat me in a way that makes me feel lower than shit. No matter how many times I sit him down, stare him in the eye, and tell him precisely what it is he does and says to me that deeply hurts my feelings, he just will not stop. “I love you”? Complete bullshit. I wouldn’t even treat people I don’t like much in the same manner James does and to the degree he hurts me.

I’m sick of saying this because I’ve already said it too many times before without doing much about it. Between James and Mom, I think I’m at my breaking point. I’m lonely as fuck and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not desperate at all, but I wish that I had just one person who knew me inside and out and just genuinely cared about my feelings and well-being. I know I’m not entitled to having a friend – or just someone – like that. Maybe I don’t even deserve such a blessing. It’s just what I want. How do I work for something like that? How do I earn a good friend? I’ve been trying.

I still don’t know where to go from here. I just don’t know. I don’t know if I can go back to people (Grandma) taking care of me financially (providing a home). I’m afraid I may go crazy in Petersburg – I can feel it already. When Mom flipped out on me, she was quiet for a few minutes. My face was locked and tears streamed like rivers down my face. And I could only keep my eyes glued to the highway. When she apologized over and over, I couldn’t even open my mouth to respond. It’s like a switch turned off in my head. It seemed to be that same switch that provoked me to have a field day on my wrist and destroy every card and letter that James ever gave me.

I won’t keep dwelling on this. I think I’m just going to give up. I feel old – very old. I’m not really one to complain about not having a lot more than what I think every decent person deserves, but I’m so terribly weak from this bullshit.

REALLY, I AM.

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August 27th at 3:02am
I saw Quint today. I saw Anna today and I’m at her house tonight. I saw Peggy and she illustrated one of the reasons why I left. Niiice.

Seeing Quint kind of… hurt. Hurt? I don't know if that's the word. Maybe it was just a slap in the face.

I’ll start from the beginning. I had sent him a test message last night saying that I was here when he wanted his things. He text messaged me in the morning and basically said that he wanted to talk to me in person and getting his things weren’t much of a concern. So I brought him to the house on my way home from the drug store.

I don’t know what I feel, but I know I’m hurting for reasons I don’t understand. I don’t want to feel stupid by telling him that, but I think I am so I can just get it out of my head. I texted him after I saw him last and we were supposed to talk about that slight awkwardness between us when he was at my house, but he fell asleep and I wanted to watch Guess Who with Anna. I don’t think I’m looking forward to it anymore. I told him we’d talk tomorrow, but I may just not call.

I really don’t understand it. It’s not just this. I feel like I just don’t belong in Virginia anymore. Being here just reminds me of how much shit I’ve lost because of dumb mistakes (I guess that does include Quint). I know I will feel better when I leave here, but James makes me feel shitty, too. I really don’t know where to go from here. I’m not a strong person.

I know I’m not.

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