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Tried to give you Summer,
But I'm Winter.
Wish I could make you Spring,
But I Fall so hard.

It is I, Tammi.


lucidblur
Age. 38
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. Black
Location Petersburg, VA
School.
» More info.
What needs to be done?
- Finish painting
- File FAFSA
- Wash clothes
- Gather yardsale items
- Hang out with Levy
- Relax hair
- Unpack
- Buy Jimmy Eat World album
- Request credit report
- Close FSNB account
- Register for classes
Speak Free!




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Mood

Right now, I feel: The current mood of lucidblur@yahoo.com at www.imood.com
Inside my Mind

Extra Links
Lyrics of the Moment
In my fantasy I'm a pantomime
I'll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean
Words are too messy
And it's way past time
To end in my mouth

Paint my face white and tried
Reinvent the sea
One wave at a time
Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy no such thing as time
Minutes bleed into days
Avant garde
Show me your heresies
And I'll show you mine
We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy you look good entwined
In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine
You're my deep secret
I'm your pantomime
I'll just move my hands
I promise you'll see what I mean


Incubus : Pantomime
Shows!
Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2001

Hoobastank, Incubus
Norfolk, VA
September 2001

Phantom Planet, Incubus
Richmond, VA
June 2002

30 Seconds to Mars, Incubus
Virginia Beach, VA
September 2002

Jepetto, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
March 2003

Lollapalooza: The Distillers, The Donnas, Queens of the Stone Age, Jurassic 5, Incubus, Audioslave, Jane's Addiction
Bristow, VA
August 2003

Mest, Goldfinger, Good Charlotte
Richmond, VA
October 2003

Alien Ant Farm, 311
Richmond, VA
November 2003

Y101 Birthday Bash: Steriogram, Marcy Playground, HIM, Puddle of Mudd
Richmond, VA
May 2004

Spooky Daly Pride, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
June 2004

Ben Kweiler, Incubus
Richmond, VA
October 2004

Copper, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
January 2005

Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2005

Switchfoot
Norfolk, VA
November 2005
Teach me. [edited]
Monday. 9.26.05 7:47 am
mood: Sleepy
listening to: Garbage: Queer


Mm. I had a very rough night. James had been basically ignoring me for the majority of the day. I've been wanting to at least have a bit of fun before I leave in six days because it may be the last time we ever see each other, seriously.

Around midnight, he came back home from a sports bar, or so he said, and woke me up to badger me. I went out to get something to eat and came back emptyhanded, but couldn't go back to sleep. I ended up trying to talk with James, which I knew deep inside wasn't going to help anything. I ended up feeling... just bad... and crying after James had fallen asleep.

Somehow, I woke him up again and he pried me out of the bathroom. I got in the bed with him, he put his arm around me, and I silently cried for a few minutes. He talked a little while I kept quiet and we ended up falling asleep together.

I mean. I am just love-love-loving these sort of nights. Really.

No, I'm not.

v.v A big part of me just really wants the shit between us to be straightened, but I'm almost sure that there's nothing I can do alone to fix it. Yes, yes, I've accepted the fact that James will never see my point-of-view, but if he's acting the way he is now - like he's not willing to work on it and like he doesn't care either way - then I shouldn't have to accept what I don't like about him. I want us to be friends, but I don't want to do for people what people don't do for me. Not anymore.

The fact that I have no one else doesn't help my feelings of worthlessness. Of course I have Anna because she's been my friend for about fifteen years or so now, but we've distanced which is fine, too. I have my mom, but she has almost the same attitude as James, so she can't help me out too much; she makes things worse.

Everyone else seems to come and go as they please or whenever they're bored with me, which is understandable although it's not in me to do that to another. I guess I would rather it be like that with people: all or nothing. I don't need half-ass friends. I need to be friends with more women. WOMEN. No girls. I have faith in the future, though. I have faith that I'll meet good people.

Ahh. James and I did happen to have one conversation yesterday. I was telling him my idea of buying wholesale jewelry and opening an eBay store to sell it. This alone won't cost too much. I am going to shut down my website, which I never work on and I don't use for anything but practicing with HTML since my career path seems like it's going down Graphic and Web Design lane. But. That can wait until I get to my junior year of college. The money I used to run that will go toward the monthly basic eBay store bill, which is about sixteen dollars. I do know that my tax refund will definitely go toward my store, all $300+ of it.

So James told me that it'd be a cool idea to take the profit from the eBay store and buy a kiosk in South Park Mall to sell jewelry. This is quite possible. There's no other body jewelry kiosk and whether I worked it myself or employed someone else at $5.15-$5.50/hr, I could easily make a great chunk of money. I wouldn't even have to work while I'm in college. Since body art is something I love on top of being able to make up to a twenty-five dollar profit on just one piece of jewelry, why not? Granted, I wouldn't be able to sell too much of a variety in a mall like South Park as I would in a mall like Chestfield Town Centre (where most of the "goth", "punk", etc. kids go), but I do know that tongue, navel, and nose jewelry is still popular with people nowadays.

I'm still not completely certain about it because I'm really not a business lady, but this is something that could happen within 2006. It'd take a lot of determination and confidence, which is something I can honestly admit that I don't have right now. But once I feel I am stable enough - and I pray to God/Goddess that I really will be - I will definitely give it a shot. I'm going to open an additional bank account when I move back just to store my eBay money. I bet I could even get a lot of advice from Joey, Mr. Business man working for Allstate at age twenty-three with his nice car and house. Hmph!

*sings* Send me an angel to love. I want to feel a little piece of

heaven...

Ah! I had a conversation over a week ago about religion. I've been feeling like I need a religion, something solid to believe in, but I know that I'm way too stubborn to follow an organized religion. It's just too hard for me to take something that supposedly happened, say, out of a bible, and believe it, you know? Like, if there weren't bones proving that there was a such thing as a dinosaur, I wouldn't believe it; I need proof. But maybe I don't need a religion; I just need to believe in something, perhaps just a way of life.

I need to start reading more. I have a few good books I've started and never finished. Maybe I'll do that today? Maybe. I have to start packing some things today also. I may try to get James to go out and have fun with me somehow, but I doubt that's going to happen, so I might just have time enough to do both.

Gah, I need to fill out the FAFSA, too. Shiznit. I lost my mom's and my PIN. Maybe I won't bother with most of that until I get back to Virginia.

I am still a bit tired. G'night. -.- Zzzzz...

rofl @ Jessica's comment on my post "The epitome of close-mindedness". Mwuahah!

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Okay, okay, I'm back again. Just one more thing.
Sunday. 9.25.05 4:19 pm
Once I get around $100-$150, I'm going to open a store on eBay for Body Jewelry. It'll be great! I found a site that sells great wholesale jewelry for cheap. I'm going to make a good chunk of money. I won't even need a full-time job.

I have other ideas, too. I could sell hemp necklaces! I won't even have to rip off people to make a great profit.

Tammi's Hemp and Body Jewelry

I can't wait.

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I'm back again for a second.
Sunday. 9.25.05 3:48 pm
I want my labret pierced so I can have rings like this:



Heh. Maybe I should wait until my industrial heals right. I know before I'd do this I'd have my navel and nipples pierced again.

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The epitomy of close-mindedness.
Sunday. 9.25.05 3:23 pm
This came to me in a dream.

First, I want to give a little background. I used to date this guy years ago and he was a few years older than me. In arguments, he'd say that I was stupid and base, and it was apparent that he believed so just in the way he talked to me. A lot of the time, he would speak in ways he either thought I couldn't understand because I was too young or too stupid.

Anywho. He would actually succeed, not in that way, but in another way by trying to talk to me about his top interests, which I either had no mutual interest in or did not know about. This would be my example: Me talking to someone about Jimmie's Chicken Shack's origin and music day after day when the person I'm talking to grew up in the ghetto and have heard and like nothing but rap music. (This is something I wouldn't do to anyone, by the way.)

I think it's god damn sad when one can only connect with people who share the same exact interest. In this particular case, it was video games and anime which is definitely not something my life revolves around. When you're making yourself limited to your own interests, you're not exactly wanting to connect with other people. It's more like kissing your own ass. I think it's an act of arrogance or egotism.

Now, who would I be to rant and rave about rock music all day long and think the people that don't get with it are stupid? Or if I talked about the history of art or the mechanics of it and thought the same? And, God, you don't have to change to please others, but if someone is obviously a Satanist why give them a bible? So to speak.

By the way, I don't care about this guy; it's just something I've seen over the years and he just happened to be the first person to intrigue me with this sort of behavior.

In other news, James is being a prick. Nice. It's fine, though. I just need to remind myself more to not expect much of anything from a hypocrite.

I think I've made a new hang-out buddy for when I move back to Petersburg. He seems cool.

Mm, working on getting a car loan. Going to call Mom now to see if I can get someone to co-sign.

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My feet hurt.
Saturday. 9.24.05 9:42 pm
Worked from 12 until 10 o'clock on six hours of sleep.

People were greatful, though, and that's what matters.

That, and I'm getting a fat ass paycheck next Friday that'll definitely ensure my getting home.

Mm. I will sleep well tonight.

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Love and boredom.
Saturday. 9.24.05 1:44 am
8 Firsts
First Best Friend: Her name was Angie.
First Kiss: I sort of had one when I was seven, but I don't count it. My real first was when I was fifteen. He'd taken me to a movie and dinner and when he drove me back home and told me he wanted a hug. So when I hugged him, he asked me, "Guess what?" and when I looked up to ask, "What?", he kissed me. It was great at the moment, but I don't talk to this guy anymore.
First screen name: Tamaad123
First Pet: Peter, a rabbit.
First Piercing: My earlobes when I was a baby.
First Crush: Hell no. I can't tell you. People know this guy.
First Music You Remember: A lot of rock. The B52s, Prince, Talking Heads, Mick Jagger, Beatles, Devo, and so on.
First Car: I don't know if I've ever had one.

7 Lasts...
Last Cigarette: Mm. Maybe six weeks ago.
Last alchoholic Drink: Wow, it was in March.
Last Car Ride: McDonalds.
Last Kiss: Last night.
Last Movie Seen: Red Eye.
Last Phone Call: Mommy.
Last CD Played: Medicine Chest by Spookie Daly Pride.

6 Have You Evers....
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: Well. James became my best friend after we dated.
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yup.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: Close to it twice, but now.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Nope.
Have You Ever Been on TV: Nope.

5 Things....
5 Things You're Wearing: A white t-shirt, my froggy pajama pants, a bra, pink panties, and jewelry.
5 Things You've Done Today: Listened to a new CD, checked the mail, watched TV, shitted, used the phone.
5 Things You Can't Live Without: I can live without anything actually, but. Having at least one person who cares about me unconditionally, an education, music, money, and my husband Brandon Boyd.
5 Things You Do When You're Bored: Internet, masturbate, call Mom, write, think.
5 Places You've Been: ? New York, Georgia, Italy, North Carolina, Florida

4 favorite things
1. Music
2. Love
3. Learning
4. Money

2 Choices...
1. Black or White: Hm.
2. Hot or Cold: Hot.

1 Thing You Want to Do Before you die: Succeed.



So. I'm here. ^.^

I work tomorrow. v.v

I always get sad when I have to go to work, but once I start working, I realize that it's really not that bad. I've been working for Michaels for half a year now and I'm still this way. Anywho. I'm bored. So let me find something to talk about.

Love?

Love. That's something I don't talk about much. I think it's controversal, so it's typically something I don't share my views on love much because I'm quite defensive about it, especially if someone comes to me saying something preposterous such as "I love my boyfriend, but I want more ass so I'm cheating on him" or "I love my friend, but she's a bitch and I talk shit behind her back". But. I won't get into writing paragraphs and paragraphs about what love is and all of that stupid crap because it's simple to me:

Love is unconditionally caring for someone and being loyal to them. That simple. Even if you wouldn't give your life for them, you'd do anything in your power to help them. Even if you don't understand them, you accept them. You're honest and loyal to one that you love.

As far as the romantic type of love, I believe it's a little more specific. Yada, yada, yada. You're sensitive toward them. You don't cheat on them. And no, you can't love multiple people romantically because to love someone romantically, you want them and only them, no more or less so that excludes other people. I think it's complete bullshit to believe anything otherwise than that, but it's just my logic - or at least how I feel about it.

Didn't I say I would rant about what I think love is? Hah.

Love? It's something I crave, but I know I can't look for it. I've done it once before and it turned into a big mess. Besides, that's really just... not right to do. If you have to look for it, it's not love. If that were the case, you could make yourself love anyone.

Before I die, I hope I meet the right guy. I don't mean Mr. Perfect, though. I do want to fall head-over-heels in love, get married, have a kid, raise my child the way I wanted to be raised, and live happily ever after. I want to be happy.

It's not what's important right now, though. I'm more focused on school. Really. Being in love would only be a plus. I just have to wait around for that.

Mmm. You know. I'm too tired to continue. I need to be asleep by 3am.

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