lucidblur's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

That wasn't a joke, but.

I want to change. I don't want to wallow in my pissy pool of pity.

I want what I thought was impossible for me to acheive. I want the best. I want to be the best I can be.

I want to be smarter. I want to learn everything there is to learn.

I want to be someone important. I want to make a difference.

I want a great education.

I want a great career. I want to love my job.

I want to shine. I want to be able to light rooms when I enter them.

I want to begin thinking less of other people and more of myself. And I believe I need to at this point.

Just. God, I want to stay motivated.

I want to be strong.

I want to be a good person. I want to be someone that someone can look up to, not someone who's always just looking up.

Alright. I'm going to go make hemp necklaces now.

I meant what I said, though; there will be more of me and less of other people.

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I can't even speak right now.

I sat down and tried to talk out things rationally. Of course, James is too incompetent to do that.

Let me tell you. He really is the greatest piece of shit I've ever met in my entire life. The greatest. He's a piece of shit and I hope someday he gets what he deserves. I hope he dies a horrible, painful death.

I wish I could inflict this pain on him. I swear to God, if I thought I could get away with it, I'd shoot his ass and leave him for dead. I would. I hate him that much. I hate him more than I ever hated Quincy. I hate him more than Stephanie. I hate him.

And if he reads this, he'll probably threaten me again. Oh wait, "It's not a threat, it's a fucking promise." Tell me how mature is that? This is a twenty-three year old "man" who talks like this. If it comes down to it, I'll leave my job and ask Mom to send me money and finally tell her the shit that James has been putting me through.

Fucking asshole.

There's no way on earth I'd continue to talk to his selfish ass when I leave. Supposedly, all of this is Quint's fault. Fuck that. I'm tired of hearing this shit. How about the shit that was going on before I even knew who Quint was? Oh yeah, that's Quint's fault, too.

Now that's a fucking moron.

He thinks in that fucked up, little brain of his that even though I didn't want to be with him, I can't date other people because he just doesn't want me to. If I talk to a person who makes me happy and the person has a penis, it's just wrong. Who the fuck does he think he is? Really! I keep telling him, I'm not his brother and I won't restrict my own fucking decisions to what he wants.

He can be a piece of shit with his piece of shit friends. I've figured that's just where he belongs. He belongs in a crowd of ignorant people who kick their damn babies because they're busy playing fucking video games and mug people because they want to be a rapper. Yeah, that's respectable. Why do I get less respect than people who kick their babies, disrespect women, and beat up and steal from people?

Yes, the girl he ignores until he wants sex. The girl who lost people in her life because of his ungrateful ass. The girl who when had her feelings trampled over, smile and accepted it.

I've not ONCE told him to ever stop talking to his friends. It's not my place at all. At first, I even covered up my disliking of his friends. At least I have legit reasons. I don't like his friends because they're disrespectful. I don't like Bubba because of something he said to me when I first met him. I don't like Chris because he sat there in front of me and James basically saying that black people are dirty and he could never date a black girl. I'm supposedly James' best friend, but he'll let his friends disrespect me to my face and even laugh about it.

Fucking low-life scums. James was never my fucking friend. I was just a piece of pussy to him. I see that now and I will have to admit that James is a great actor. I'll give him that.

Oh, and. Somehow, I'm mentally crazy for I want to get away from James and because I've cut myself to relieve myself of the pain he makes me feel. Yet James is completely sane when he goes outside yelling (not even words and sentences) and bangs his head into walls and threatening me for sitting in a fucking car. This is sane.

What the FUCK?!

God, I can't even put into words how much I hate him. I hate his hipocricy. I hate how he tries to dominate me.

I hope he finds his trailer trash bitch that he really deserves. I don't even care if he never sees how fucking childish he is and how much he has and will lose. But I hope he finds her.

You know where I see James ten years from now? With some fat, trailer trash bitch who really does treat him like shit with a kid or two that he can't support. Brian will probably kill himself from dealing with James constant bullying. James will always be uneducated; he's not going to school. James'll beat his wife and kids. I know that. He's going right down that path and I guess it's just his fate.

You can't expect much from a piece of shit. I don't know why I ever did. What the fuck did I ever see in this waste of space?

Everything is a game to him like he's a retarded child that just can't comprehend shit.

I walk all over his fucking heart? When I'm the one who's crying every other night while he's sleeping like a fucking baby. God damn prick.

God. I really don't want to go to work. They should've closed down the store. I feel so bad. I just want to be away from everyone.

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