Home | Join! | Help | Browse | Forums | NuWorld | NWF | PoPo   

Tried to give you Summer,
But I'm Winter.
Wish I could make you Spring,
But I Fall so hard.

It is I, Tammi.


lucidblur
Age. 38
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. Black
Location Petersburg, VA
School.
» More info.
What needs to be done?
- Finish painting
- File FAFSA
- Wash clothes
- Gather yardsale items
- Hang out with Levy
- Relax hair
- Unpack
- Buy Jimmy Eat World album
- Request credit report
- Close FSNB account
- Register for classes
Speak Free!




Notification to Bore Yourself
Subscribe to this to blog if you would like to be emailed whenever it is updated.

Your email

Mood

Right now, I feel: The current mood of lucidblur@yahoo.com at www.imood.com
Inside my Mind

Extra Links
Lyrics of the Moment
In my fantasy I'm a pantomime
I'll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean
Words are too messy
And it's way past time
To end in my mouth

Paint my face white and tried
Reinvent the sea
One wave at a time
Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy no such thing as time
Minutes bleed into days
Avant garde
Show me your heresies
And I'll show you mine
We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy you look good entwined
In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine
You're my deep secret
I'm your pantomime
I'll just move my hands
I promise you'll see what I mean


Incubus : Pantomime
Shows!
Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2001

Hoobastank, Incubus
Norfolk, VA
September 2001

Phantom Planet, Incubus
Richmond, VA
June 2002

30 Seconds to Mars, Incubus
Virginia Beach, VA
September 2002

Jepetto, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
March 2003

Lollapalooza: The Distillers, The Donnas, Queens of the Stone Age, Jurassic 5, Incubus, Audioslave, Jane's Addiction
Bristow, VA
August 2003

Mest, Goldfinger, Good Charlotte
Richmond, VA
October 2003

Alien Ant Farm, 311
Richmond, VA
November 2003

Y101 Birthday Bash: Steriogram, Marcy Playground, HIM, Puddle of Mudd
Richmond, VA
May 2004

Spooky Daly Pride, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
June 2004

Ben Kweiler, Incubus
Richmond, VA
October 2004

Copper, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
January 2005

Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2005

Switchfoot
Norfolk, VA
November 2005
Money, money, money.
Monday. 10.17.05 5:31 pm
So while at work, I keep saying to myself that it'll be over in a day and I have the day off on Thursday. Yayness? No, because I was asked to work the night shift on Thursday. That does equal more money, though so my next check will be about $400. I called my old job just a few minutes ago and Jessica answered. Surprisingly, she recognized my ugly voice. She said she read the letter I mailed Tim and said it was sweet and also that she missed me. Awkwardness. Deborah answered, but I was hoping that Tim was closing. She muttered some crap and told me to call back in a couple of hours. O.o

I'll call tomorrow morning when she probably isn't there.

I actually have a normal job shift tomorrow (8:30-5:00). I feel slightly unprepared because I have a lot of crap to do when I open I think like make everyone's break schedule, clean up, and just make sure I don't fuck up which is a job in itself.

I'm kind of sad because James is sick. This may be even more selfish, but I'm sadder that he got off of the phone with me to lie down because he is. I miss him. Mm. I'm bored as hell now, too.

Yeah, I haven't heard from Josh in two days. I'm guessing he's catching up with his ex. I told him he'd forget about me in a month. S'alright, though. I just don't like when people abandon me.

Wow. So the boyfriend - or whatever he was - indeed killed Taylor Beil supposedly by accident during sex. Wow. v.v I just saw it on the news. That's horrible. I wonder if that is even true.

I'm hungry and I want my check so I can pay the bill for my cell which may be cut off if I don't have it paid soon. v.v

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

In love...
Monday. 10.17.05 1:34 am
I'm in love with James Perry.

There. I said it. Apparently, he has known this for a long time. There's a chance that I always have been in love with him.

The whole date-with-the-girl thing was straightened out. He didn't see her. He said he couldn't do it. I believe him. I'm just hurt that he didn't tell me about it at all. I do question very slightly now how he feels. That doesn't change what I feel, though.

You know what else doesn't change what I feel? Whether I want to be with him or not. Something that should be as clear as a summer's day to me, wasn't because of the way I looked it at. I've realized something now. Whether or not a relationship can work between two people, does not change feelings.

I knew I had to tell him that I love him yesterday, but it'd been about a year and a half since I had and I didn't know how to approach the matter. The first time I attempted I said to him that I wanted to tell him something, then said to nevermind it. Then he said, "I knew what you were going to say, anyway." I asked him what he thought and he said, "That you love me" and laughed in a yeah, right sort of way. I paused. hehe

I went out while talking to James on my cell and talked to him again when I got home. I kept telling him I had to tell him something. He was dying to know what. To make it easier to say, I joked and told him that he wouldn't like what I had to say. He goes, "Oh great, the Josh guy is coming to see you, isn't he?" I didn't give a answer. He started getting angry. We went back and forth for a while.

Yelling. "Will you just tell me what the hell it is?"

Sarcasticly. "Well, what do you think it is?"

More annoyed. "I don't know! Tell me!"

Straightforwardly. "I love you."

[Ten very long seconds of silence]

In a weak voice. "I love you too, baby."

Yeah, he was stunned. Didn't seemed surprised enough to have a heart-attack, though.

Things have only been better since. James asked me about ten times today if I would be his girlfriend, though. Like, I've said: just because you love someone doesn't mean you want to be with him. In my case, I love James, but I don't know if I could be with him because of how he makes me feel sometimes; I'm afraid of him getting into the same cycle of treating me bad while he has me reeled in and not caring until I'm ready to walk away again. I don't feel you should have to give a person a reason to love you - not at all, but I do believe you should give reasons to make that person want a relationship with you. I whole-heartedly believe this. It takes more than love to make a relationship work - it really does.

I do want to be with James.

I didn't answer him. Something I've been hearing a lot of lately was repeated by James. He said that we pretty much are a couple because of how we act. We just don't have the titles. A title is just a title. We have more than that and definitely more than typical pet name-calling and gift-exchanging routine acts of a couple. We never really have been that way. I think what makes us that way is us planning our futures - separate and together - and helping each other... I'm going to stop there because I could go on and on. It's just a fact that me and James act like husband and wife in many, many ways. We've grown together.

It feels good to know it's real, though. It's never felt this real before. I told James a long time ago that if we ever dated again that it'd be our last time if it worked and me agreeing to be his girlfriend is pretty much an agreement to marry him. I hope he hasn't forgotten that.

I told him I'd answer his question the next time I see him in person. He'll be here sometime next month. w00+? I think so.


I'm going to hate myself in the morning. I have about seven hours to sleep now. I should've gone to bed when James did. Fawk.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

What happened?
Saturday. 10.15.05 10:00 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

We talked.
Saturday. 10.15.05 9:54 am
I still don't trust him. Although it helped to hear his voice because now I know he wasn't being heartless and not answering my twenty-something phone calls last night, it still doesn't cure what was most important to me - his honesty.

He seemed surprised by my angered voice; I told him I was mad because he's a liar. He was clueless. I told him to figure it out himself what he lied about. He kept saying that he didn't know. So I asked him, "Is there more than just one lie and you can't figure out which one, because I think you should know what it is?" And, really, I think there could be more than just one lie at this point.

I told him what the lie was and he said, "If that's true, how would you know about it?" which threw me off. It made me think that he wanted to know how so he could possibly build another lie around it. I ended up telling him. There was a silence. He couldn't have built a lie even if he had wanted.

We talked and he attempted to clear up some things, but instead actually defined a few of his actions as meaning what I had assumed they meant.

I don't know if the crap about his grandmother being sick is true or not, but I do know of a few things that are positively outright lies or at least truths that he was trying to cover:

- I'm not the only woman he's interested in; he wants to meet others.
- He, indeed, was not broke.
- He lied about his reasons for joining a certain site.
- He's trying to replace me.

The potential lies?:

- His whereabouts last night. Was he with his grandmother? Or out on a date or sexcapade?
- That he believes I'm easy so he can treat me however he wants because I'll still have sex with him.
- His proclaimed intentions with me and also his intentions with other women.
- Lots of things that I may not even know about...

I don't get people. I think it's quite obvious that I put up with a lot of shit from people, but still keep them in my lives, so why not just be honest? It's why I deal with Tauheed. I know he just wants to have sex and he puts that out there, but I appreciate that more than pretending.

Yeah, I'm still not feeling good. v.v

In other news: Anna, Peggy and I went to the art exhibition in downtown Petersburg last night. Peggy bought us jewelry. We ate at Ruby Tuesdays. Anna and I found a party that we're going to on the 29th down there. It'll be great.

I saw a guy at one of the exhibits about my age with a shirt that said "U R TEH SUXORZ~!~!!11oneone" I just had to compliment him on his shirt. He smiled and all I saw was silver. haha. I love artsy people.

I saw two people that I work with there too but they either didn't recognize me (WOW! Out of the six black people there) or they just didn't want to say hi. Who knows? I hate being "the black chick", I swear.

Peggy told me that if I get a 3.5 next semester from fifteen credit hours, she'll buy me a car. Pssh. So friends, you may not hear from me between January and May because I'll be busy studying. I mean, I want to do that anyway, but a car is definitely more motivation. The best part about it is now I don't have to worry about so much and I can focus on getting other things that I need like a new cell phone and computer that actually works and fixing my credit. ^.^ And the exhibition inspired me again to paint so now I can afford to be a starving artist.

Peggy wants me to go back to church, though. She doesn't know how I feel about that apparently. I'm not sure. She never really seemed to care; she just wants me to believe. I guess she thinks that's why I left home and such - lack of faith in God or whatever people want to call it. I don't plan on telling her that I'm really not keen with Christianity unless she asks me straightforwardly because my response may make her want to disown me. *sigh* That may possibly be saying good-bye to a car, but I don't like lying about what I believe.

So yeah, she says she wants me to go back to church because I need to have faith in my life. Faith in God I may not have, but I do need faith in myself and going to church is only going to put a damper on that. It's something I'm sure of. As for gratefulness, I have that and I definitely don't need church to help me out.

I guess it's back to being a kid again - it's the only thing I hate about being back home. I liked doing my own thing and taking care of my own stuff.

Yeah, Peggy supposedly transferred money from her bank account to mine for me to pay for my AOL bill until I get my next paycheck. (Thank you, Grandma. I now owe someone else money for relying on you.)

Okay, talking about other things made me feel a bit better. My trust in James' sincerity has severly plummeted, though. I don't know how to feel, honestly.

I'm going to post a conversation I had with Tyler, then I'm going to attempt to rest.

[EDIT] Holy fucking shit. Peggy put $75 in my account. Peggy is awesome.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

The wound of wounds.
Saturday. 10.15.05 6:16 am
I am deeply hurt in a way that I don't think I've been in two or three years. I have a new permanent scar to carry with me for the rest of my life. I am astonished by how much of a fool I was. This time, I was a great one. I saw the signs, but why didn't I trust my instincts? I can't even talk to anyone about it. I'm mildly embarassed and I get tired of hearing, "I told you that you should leave him alone."

I really can't trust anyone anymore at this point.

I can't believe his nerve and how many lies he has told me on top of lies. I absolutely can't believe it.

I think I want to be alone for the rest of the day.

He lied about where he was. He lied about how he felt. He lied and guilted me about being broke when he definitely wasn't. He lied about his accounts. What amazes me most is that throughout all of this, he tried to gain my pity. This is just the tip of the iceberg, because now I'm almost certain that he has lied in similar ways before. The most fucked up part of it all is that he was tugging at my feelings, too. The only way to truly hurt me is through my heart, which he knew, and he did even if he thought lying and keeping secrets was a way of not.

I told him time and time again, to just be fucking honest and I will accept his ass either way. I think it's pretty fucking evident that that statement is true by now. But not anymore. Not anymore. If I have to go snooping through e-mails and site accounts to know the real truth, then it's not fucking worth it.

I can't sleep; I wake up every hour. It has really been a long night. I called him at least twelve times, left two messages, texted him maybe eight times, and left an e-mail. I said I wouldn't call him anymore. I asked him not to ever call me again.

I may end up giving in to answering my phone out of curiousity to see what kind of explanation or excuse he believes he has for it. Unless he really has a great explanation for these secret actions and deceptions (which I can't imagine them being great or honest ones), I will have to cut him off for good this time. I've never been played this hard by anyone - absolutely no one. I just can't take him seriously anymore and I thought he was the ONE person I could. I honestly thought so.

To think I was jumping to conclusions. I was so far off.

God, what have I done to make people take joy in fucking me over? Really? I've never come close to being that dishonest and just foul to him.

It's truly unbelievable.

I can't cry anymore. I'm sick to my stomach.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Work, work, work. School?
Friday. 10.14.05 5:06 pm
I'm a tad sad. I didn't get a paycheck from the one day that I worked last week. So I'm minus about thirty bucks. I'm afraid to even look at my account. My next paycheck, which I won't receive until two weeks from now, will be anywhere from $300 and $340, depending on my pay rate and hoping that they don't forget to pay me for the one day I worked Saturday that I SHOULD'VE gotten a check for today. Although I only worked sixteen hours this week, I have twenty-seven and a half for next week plus that six from one day. That totals to forty-nine and a half hours on the next pay period. Nice, but it'll be even nicer once I get my promise 30-35 hours a week because then I'll be receiving $500 paychecks.

I am too good.

Training went very well today.

What sucks is that once I get my next paycheck, at least $50 of it has to go to Mom and another $30 has to go to whoever I borrow money from (methinks Peggy) which is fucked up because Grandma said she'd pay for this crap but whatever. Then another $20 has to go to James for the gym membership that I can't cancel until I get my bank statement. If the Switchfoot concert doesn't sell out, another $50 is going toward that, also. The rest of the money? Well, it won't be much, but it's staying in my account to either go toward fixing my credit or to a car.

So what's on my To Do List:

- Request November 4th off.
- Talk to my bank about how to do a free credit report.
- Contact the lab people I owe money in Georgia.
- Call the doctor's office in Richmond that claims I owe them $250 - again.
- Make an appointment with the Richard Bland Financial Aid Office.
- Call my job so I can have James pick up my paycheck tonight - if I ever find James. If not, tell them my new address.
- Get a notepad for my FES duties.
- Unpack my shit.
- Ask Peggy for $30.
- Have raunchy, sweaty secks with Anner.

Mm. Josh called me four times last night after I got home and left two messages.

Yeah.

James and I had an interesting conversation last night about marraige. I better watch what I say, though. There are two guys that I may be leading on. The sad thing is is that I don't know which one I may be. *sigh* It'd be nice if my feelings were as easy to calculate as numbers.

Damn you feelings not being like numbers! Fuckers.

I only have two days off next week. Fark. I need to figure out what to do.

For the record: It's nice to be surrounded by intelligent people. I don't mean book smarts, but more like the type of smarts you gain from living, working, and taking care of yourself.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
lucidblur's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

NuTang is the first web site to implement PPGY Technology. This page was generated in 0.058seconds.

  Send to a friend on AIM | Set as Homepage | Bookmark Home | NuTang Collage | Terms of Service & Privacy Policy | Link to Us | Monthly Top 10s
All content � Copyright 2003-2047 NuTang.com and respective members. Contact us at NuTang[AT]gmail.com.