and then when i open my eyes i realize that i am still alone. you tell me that you care but you aren't coming anyways. that really sucks in case you didn't know. how am i supposed to react? am i supposed to give up on you too? all i know about you is that you don't trust me enough to actually get to know me, so you research everything about me instead. i keep wondering if you are more afraid of ruining the person you have of me in your head or that i will do that to you. i wish you would let me have a say in this whole thing. i wouldn't keep things from you if you let me know that you wanted to know everything. i wish you wouldn't hide behind the future you have plans for as way to keep me away.

afterall i am single. i have no boyfriend. i want to date you, but you won't come any closer. all i get are emails full of puzzles and a shadow. i am scared of you. it scares me that you have no limit as to the extent you will go to to get to know me your way. i am scared that if you did show up you would still be hiding from me. maybe you would even lie to me. i am sorry that i thought you were him for so long. i have an idea of who i think you are, but i want to know; not guess anymore.

if your plan is to haunt me until you feel like coming around, or because your PR is doing well and it will be time to settle down, don't bother finding me then. if you don't want me in your life; leave. life is never conveinent and the news is what you make it. i want to be more to you than a secret. don't expect me to wait around to wait for your life to begin. i have my own to live. and if you don't want to be a part of it, so be it. i am stronger than you.

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this whole time i thought it was him. yeah i had considered that we are "strangers" in that we only know eachother through computer only, but i couldn't understand why you would pretend to be someone who had hurt me. maybe it was for the attention.

what kept my love for him alive for so long was because i thought you were him. i thought he was contacting me.

what i don't understand was how i have recognized you before. was i wrong? what has changed? can i not see you now because you are everwhere or because you are still hiding from me?

are you in any way related to him or do you know him? is that why you could still be hiding? that would be strange, but the reality of it was that i suppose i never meant anything to him anyhow; so i don't see how he could be distrurbed for more that a few minutes. but if you have ever dated or slept with my sister then the deal is off.(also applies to any future dates.)

i would tell you the truth to any question you could ever ask me. but it would be nice if you asked instead of researching my life. i would like to be able to know things about you.

this is so strange. i don't know who my muse is. was he always inside me, a ghost or you incognito?

i think above all, i just wanted to know the truth. i want to know who you are. i am sorry that i couldn't make you believe me.

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okay, so what happens if i lose my job in 2 days? why can't i bring myself to care?

no i don't want to lose my job. but even going back to Starbucks could be better than this. i mean, i don't get paid anything, i work my ass off and am being told i am incompetent, and i don't feel like anything will change.

prince charming is not going to show up out of thin air and save me from the tragedy that has become my life.

it is clear that i am on my own for this because it's my life. there is no solution. only another stepping stone. but maybe it's just time to swim. but in any case, i can only look to myself.
even if he is out there and is waiting to come and get me to start our life together, i can't rely on him to pick me up. or more, that i shouldn't have to.

because let's face it, it would be a jerk thing of me to ask him to allow me to be dependent on him. he has his own life he needs to handle and asking him to support me (ps, at this stage since we are not dating as of yet) would be WAY over the boundaries.
to be honest,i am not even comfortable with the idea. not only of not working but being dependent on any one else. i mean, how can i buy his birthday present with his money? that just seems so wrong to me. and lame.

and the fact that all of my realities might come to pass within the next two days isn't helping.

why can't i bring myself to care about losing my job? i worked so hard to get here and now i might have to start over again. this was my dream and slowly it is being taken away from me.

do i dare to dream again? Do i dare believe that things will work out? Do i dare to hope that he will ask me on a date someday? even when he does, the time i would ever be dependent on him is far off and it is foolish of me the think otherwise.

i am on my own and fine with it because i want him to know that i don't want his money. i just want him. the good thing is that he offers a world i know nothing about, so at least i won't know what i am missing while scrubbing floors somewhere and living check to check until he finds me.

and ps, more importantly, what am i going to do if they don't fire me?

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how am i supposed to move on when he was the only one i wanted to keep? how am i supposed to notice men looking at me when he is the only one that caught my eye?

how can i stay when i know he isn't coming? how can i move on when i know he can hear me? how can i believe that he cares when he leaves me alone to cry? how can i believe he will love me later when he leaves me now with out a word?

if he is willing to leave me at the slightest sign of difficulty, what keeps me from thinking he will leave again?

all i know is that he isn't here. i don't know why or if that will ever change. all i know is that he has left me again. i don't know if he will ever come back to me. --if he was coming back, he would tell me not to forget him. and he would come back.
but he doesn't want my love now. that is what i know. and if he doesn't want it now then he doesn't deserve me later. i am tired of waiting in the dark while he pushes me away.

he must want me to move on since i still have not heard a word from him about what he wants. is he so cruel that this is some sort of test, or is he trying to get the easy way out? if he doesn't believe my sincerity of love for him now, then no matter what i do, it will not change. he won't let it. he doesn't want to believe that loving him is possible. and he is afraid to try and love back.

if i am in this alone, it was nothing but a waste of my time. and knowing that makes it easier to walk away and not look back. maybe he doesn't want to be happily ever after. but i do.

and maybe someday i will find someone willing to love me back. that is all i could hope for.

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i can't do this. nothing has changed and i am tired of being sad over a man who won't speak to me.

if he wanted me he would have come back by now. i am tired of being in this alone. this is so lame. i mean why would some one rather pretend? why would someone keep their distance? well, i suppose to do just that. so fine. if he won't answer my questions then i will stop asking.

he is no longer welcome in my heart.

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You took my voice away.


Once you were my muse and inspiration was too much to write down. But you haunting me left me mute. I have no songs to sing and no emotion to release into them. I hate you for being so cruel and heartless.

I hate you for leaving me. No distance would be too great but it doesn’t matter since you can’t meet me half way. I pour my heart out to you and you mock me. You are only pleased when I break down.

How can you say you love me when you are trying to deny it? how can you say you care when all you have done in the past three years is lie, mock, and deceive me?

I loved you with out question for so long and slowly you have taken that too. Now all I have are questions and anger from your games. You told me the man I loved didn’t exist. You told me he didn’t care.

You have yet to speak to me. Any coward should be able to see love through his fear. But instead you treat me like an enemy trying to infect you with a disease.

Well good luck trying to find someone who will try half as much as I did. All I wanted was to love you. I tried for so long to earn your love. But I see now that no matter the tests I pass or the riddles I solve, it will never be enough for you.

I see now that what you have for me is not love. If you loved me you wouldn’t judge me. And if you trusted me, you wouldn’t test me.

This whole time you have been waiting for me to fail you. Now, that I haven’t you don’t know what to do because you are afraid to admit to me and you that what you did was fucked up. It makes me sad that you would throw away OUR happiness on account of your pride.

Wow, you would rather push me away than apologize. You are just going to leave and try to forget about me. There is a reason you haven’t forgotten me. And I guess it never sunk in that we would have been great. So fine. Leave me then. Leave me completely so I can forget about you too.

Because heaven forbid you have to make any decisions about anything, especially the sentiments of your heart. You are much more comfortable ignoring your heart. I understand not wanting to be vulnerable. And partly I can understand your protection, but what you have yet to comprehend is that I am not lying. I am not deceiving you. I want your love. Not just a weekend. Not just sex. Not your money.

But no matter what I say, you won’t believe me. And your fear won’t let you try. Deep down I know you care about me too. And I know that you feel half alive too. But I can’t convince you. We have to live it. No games and no amount of pretending will ever show you that I have always been for real.


And as long as you push me away, we will never get closer. Almost doesn’t count. Either you jump or you don’t. And since you insist on wearing concrete shoes jumping isn’t easy even if you do want to. You forget that you can already fly. I wish I could help you untie your shoes so we could jump together. But you won’t let me hold your hand.

I jumped and hit the bottom. I am out of energy and out of hope. I have no reason to scale the cliff and jump again if you are not jumping.

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