sometimes i wish i could keep these thoughts private. it sinks in sometimes that i have no idea who you are. i don't know your name or anything.
as much as i try to convince myself that it won't stay like that, how can i know otherwise?

i don't want to be strangers. but as well as you know me, it isn't fair that i know so little about you.am i really supposed to consider talking to a helicopter a relationship?

i want to walk away from you so that you know what you are doing isn't write and it isn't how you should treat me.

not getting to know me because it will fuck up you perception of a hobby is not a valid reason not to show. it has been so long and i am not a toy.

how am i supposed to trust you when you won't even show your face to me? what am i supposed to pick you out of a crowd? i ma near sighted and scared to approach someone that isn't you. how does that make sense?

i am so over trying to appease you just so you will talk to me. i am so over you following me everywhere but never show up.

i am afraid that when you show up again, i will be so mad or sad or dissapointed that i won't notice. i don't get how you expect to argue in court but can't muster up a hello to me.

i don't ask you for the world, but a response would be nice. i feel like i am wasting my time with you because you aren't ever coming.

i don't recognize you anymore. you are everywhere and anyone.

this whole thing is ludacris and i am probably a fool for waiting. and no, offers are not pouring in, but you make me feel like an animal at the zoo.


this is not going well for me and i am not getting any closer to you. i just want a date, or even a conversation. that is not too much to ask and i don't see why you regard it as a bad thing.

i am not a shy person. and i am not a coward.

i don't want to be a stranger, and i don't want you to be one to me. but you make it so that what i want doesn't matter and that is not right.

a relationship starts when there is consideration for both perspectives. i am not a science experiment. i don't even know what your goal for spying on me is. i would tell you if you asked, but i don't even get that chance.
you are not showing me you care.
i mean the only time you tried to talk to me was when you were mocking me. i wanted to yell at you. and i should be angry with you.

will i move away before you notice that you missed the opportunity with me? is that what it will take for a change to happen?

this whole thing makes me angry. i am not your toy. how could i be anything more to you?

if you don't take it now, the next time you try, i will be blind to you.

if this is a game to you then maybe you don't deserve my love. what are you going to do when i do walk away?

all the things that you are doing now is helping me leave you. your silence give me no choice. my heart will be numb to you by the time you grow some balls to talk to me. i am trying to warn you.

you are supposed to be the rational one. and yet with me, you prove to be a hypocrit. or a coward.

this whole thing is so childish and unecessary. i wish i could give up. no matter what i do it isn't me that has to stop but you. but since you won't leave me alone and won't ring my doorbell, i have no choice but to ignore you again.

i have over 650 emails from you as junk mail, but not one direct message. i know it doesn't have to be like that so this is all you. i am not the crazy one, you are.

i am okay with you being crazy and i was willing to try, but now, i feel like i just want this to end. you are not coming and i just want to put an end to hoping you will.

if you aren't showing me that you care about my feelings now, i can not believe that you can love me the way i need you to. and worse, you are not willing to try.

see this from my point of view. you are a stranger to me. and you are unwilling to be anything else. and yet, you expect me to care about you.

do you honestly expect me to be okay with that?

i am tired of talking to you through a computer. i am tired of begging for any response from you.

i wish i had a way to push me from you like you do to me. that way all the following would be for nothing.

i need to stop because i am about to be mean.

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how am i supposed to feel about you? i don't want to have to lie to you or me. i don't want to love you anymore because i am tired being the only one making the jump. you said we were going to stop pretending and i have. but you are comfortable in this fantasy you have made for yourself. how am i supposed to be satisfied when you won't get to know the real me? can't we just try again? maybe we should just be friends. maybe you won't be so afraid of me or reality then. you never leave my mind and i would give anything for your favor. but you must think i am not good enough for you since you insist on maintaining your distance from me. i would love you if you let me, but you don't. i do not deserve this. i am not your hobby to watch over. i have waited long enough and i do not think you are coming back to me. so fine i will lie to you. i do not love you anymore because i am tired of you not loving me back. everything you have told me has been a lie, so how could i love you when i don't even know who you are? but i do. i saw through your lies and still i am not good enough to pick up the phone and call to let me know where your heart stands. anything is better than not knowing. you are worth waiting for, but i need to know if i am waiting in vain. do me a favor, if you insist on denying me your affection, tell me to my face. make the pain real and make me stop lying to myself.

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i don't have aol anymore so i am not im-ing often. i really wish you had the courage to speak with me in person. i don't understand why you went through all this trouble to lie to me for so long. you need to understand that i was willing to get passed that so we could try again. but i have realized that there is only so much you will allow yourself and i guess i am not worth it to you. perhaps your own fears are keeping you from me, but at this point i have stopped pretending. i wish for love again, and i believe that pushing me away is all you will ever do. the answer to your question is yes. but now that i realize that you have kept who you really are from me, i am confused as to whom it applies to because as you have explained i have not been correct about your whereabouts for some time, and as far as i have gathered, you would like to keep it that way. the parts i liked about you had nothing to do with where you lived. but instead i realized that you have done all this to push me away, so fine then. i will give you what you have asked me for all along. i won't bother you anymore. i jumped. you didn't. i have been hanging in the wind waiting for your choice ever since. and now i pick myself up off the ground to walk away.

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My Muse has left me and i feel the creavtivity inside of me wither away. for so long i have hoped that cupid's arrow would meet his heart with mine and now i fear that i am forgetting the stories i have not written down. he was my muse and thinking about his beauty inspired me.

i started the other journal in hopes that he might hear me calling him and come to find me. it seems that he did hear me and was listening to my woes of being without him, but they fell short.

he is closer but yet so far away and i fear that he does not want me.with him, i felt my soul speak and now the voice inside me has been snuffed by the denial of his affection.

i tried to be what he wanted and i tried to give him what he wanted but it did not suffice, for i am still without him. and he turned his back to walk away from me, the voice inside me faded and now standing before you is a lifeless shell. what will come of me, i do not know because my heart is cold and worn from waiting.

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do you not know how i feel about you? can you not hear me? are you afraid that your feelings for me are not returned? seriously? after all this time you still don't know? i told you what my situation was; my feelings for you would not change and it was up to you to come back since you had the change of heart.

if you still don't believe me, ask ewok how i feel about you. what i told him so long ago still stands. my heart is yours if you want it.

i can't explain how i know i can love you and how that would feel so right. i can't explain why it's you that i need when we were together for so little time. i can't explain why my heart lingers for you eventhough you have been silent for so long. please stop this anguish i feel, and release me from my chains. let us discover bliss at last!

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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