i think tammy might flake on me tonight. which means i can either go dancing with the boys, to LA by myself or stay home.

and the sad part is the only reason i want to go out is because i think you might want to show up. i would much rather stay home and rediscover your body, but it seems like you have a problem showing up at my doorstep. all iwant is to be alone with you. --but superman always insists on making an entrance.

i am just hoping to go out to dance and because i am hoping i might see your face in the crowd.

if i stayed home, would you come over tonight? If i went out, would you buy me a drink? if i dressed up as Lucy for Halloween would you be Ricky?

i wish you would talk to me. i am so tired of guessing and looking for you in a crowd.

it seems like whenever i make plans they don't work out. that is why i want to be alone with you. well that is one of the reasons i want to be alone with you.

i know you want to make a big deal and be romantic and i appreciate it. just come back to me. and be quick about it. i just want to hold you. and i really hate waking up alone. i want to be alone when i see you again for the first time so i can study your hands like i did a long time ago. it will help me recognize you.

i know you are waiting for the perfect moment but all i want is the pillow talk.

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What i really wanted to write in that email was
" i met this guy not too long ago and he was from Philly. I asked him to say "water" and i practically died right there. I still think of you sometimes, do you ever think of me?"

but i figured if you aren't Cheesesteak, that would be kind of random and forward. and the truth is he never leaves my mind. unfortunately for me i can't do anything about it.

if you are him and he is you, then why doesn't he ever respond? how come you don't ever directly contact me? how come he has never asked my sister about me or for my number?

you want me to believe that he is you. all i know of him now is the memories of a ghost i knew once. i have been waiting for him to make a move and no matter what i do, nothing has changed. you want me to hang on and wait for you so you can gather the courage to speak to me. but why not respond back? why not at least make it real to me? how am i supposed to believe anything you say when i have no proof that he is you? faith? i want more than that. i want proof. and i want to stop pretending.
do you not respect me at all? you have no quams about invading my privacy and following me around, but you can't even respond back to me or contact me directly? really? and yet you want me to have faith that you are coming back to me? faith i have, but i want some reassurance. but all i know about you is that you are always listening.
you used to condemn me for holding on to my memories and now you want me to cling to them. So why can't we make new memories? if you are coming back how come you aren't here yet? i know you are close. if our roles were switched i would run back to you the second i knew where to find you. no distance would be too great to cross if i just knew i could reach you.
but you are consumed by your doubt. you know my sentiment. if it is you, you know how i feel about you. and despite all of the obstacles i am willing to hope. and when i reach for you you turn away.
if you don't believe, then how am i supposed to? if you are alive, how am i supposed to believe you? how can i tell my friends that the love of my life has come back to me, if all i see is a ghost. or should i tell them that a helicopter is constantly following me around. and it's not the cops, but it's you. you just won't speak to me. how crazy would i sound?

why? because this is crazy! you want me to trust you. but how can i? is he you? i don't know. i want him to be you. but by staying away from me, you are taking away my faith in that hope.
even with my hope i still feel like i am in this alone and that i am still just a game to you. but if all you are is a ghost then why do you insist on staying one to me? don't you want to be more to me? can't you at least show me that i am not crazy by responding? can't you at least make it real for me? don't i deserve at least that?
i am not asking for a love letter although it would be greatly appreciated. i would just like to know that you are alive and listening. and i would like to know that you think about me sometimes. i don't want to have to guess or decipher anything. i want to hear your words again.
i have waited so long with only memories and faith to get me by. it is not too much to ask for acknowledgement. and to know that i am not crazy yet would be great. and to know that i am not in this alone would be stellar. and to know that he is you would be enough for now.

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Do you love me? then why aren't you coming closer. i said i love you. i have never stopped saying that.

i get mad sometimes. as i well should. and i am sorry i get carried away sometimes, but i seem to have less and less control over my hormones lately and it has heightened my mood swings. yes, i would like an apology and an explanation from you. but more than anything i want to hear your voice. not hearing anything from you for so long is what is eating away at me. no response in any direction is what makes me weak. tell me something so i can be strong again. i have waited patiently. but i can feel that you are close and it kills me that you aren't coming any closer. and Silly Monkey buzzing around my head when i am on the phone doesn't tell me when you are coming or how you feel. tell me you are mine so i don't have to worry anymore. tell me something so i don't push you away. tell me you love me too.

write it in the sky if you must with smoke from your plane, but say something so i know you care. use the clouds to spell out your love for me if you want, but do something. all this waiting. how much longer must i wait to hear if my feelings are reciprocated?

give me some indication that you are coming home to me so i can stop crying. i long for something to sing about and i promise to sing you all the lullabies in the world if you sleep next to me.

if you love me and i love you then why are you not running back to me? what keeps you? do not be afraid. the hardest part is over.

when will we start again?

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i wish the weather would cool so that it would be autumn already. then maybe it would rain and he could come back to me. i long for the rain and i miss dancing. i feel like a fish out of water with out the promise of a drink from the heavens. And i feel like the rainbows in me heart have faded since it has been so long since i have felt his kisses. my memories of him are faded too and i long for the time when we can make new memories. i long to soar again with him in the clouds and i wait for the day for my muse to return to me so i may sing my song and shine again in full color.

for all that you are; i love you.

let's stop fighting and just come home to me. we can be happy and together we will find happiness at last.

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