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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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i stumbled onto pictures of him yesterday and i still felt the same thrill. it has been so long that i feel like it was a dream.

Does he ever think of me, i wonder. i have never stopped missing him. and maybe i am going about this the wrong way by trying to stop.

that one has a special place in my heart and i feel like it will always be there. but maybe it was just a thing of the past. a few stolen moments in heaven. eventhough i meant nothing to him, he means everything to me. i wanted to keep that one, but he didn't want me. and that is all there is to it. maybe the ghost i see everywhere is just that, just a few sparks of a brief period of happiness. and the truth is, i want to keep them close to me. those stolen moments are the happiest i have since then and i don't want to forget them.

but the truth is, that we are both different people since then. We would have to start again.

i won't lie, i wanted to keep that one. i liked the way his stories would make me laugh. i haven't liked the way any one else tells stories. i liked the way his smile gave me chills. i liked him because he was extraordinary. and by comparison, everyone else is just ordinary.

part of me wishes i could let go because he isn't really there. but most of me wants to hold on even though i have no signs that he is out there looking for me.

but i can't keep a ghost. the ghost keeps me. and that is not love. because what i love is just a sliver of him since he is different now. because he is different now and so am i. i would give anything for that chance to try again. but that would require him jumping too this time. and it would require him to be here and not just fading memories.

and i don't think he is coming, whomever he may be now. i think he thinks that i am not good enough for him. but i can't change my skin color and i can't change how much money my family has. and if all he wants is his parent's approval, then maybe i should find someone who believes that i am worth fighting for. Because i am.

i just wish someone would come along to fill my heart with happy moments again. i have spent so much of my time pretending and forgiving that i have forgotten how to find happiness. i am tired of trying to appease a ghost.

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why do you seem like your life is not your own? are you on contract? i wish we could have a conversation.
but you make it seem like you aren't allowed to talk to me. is there a reason or are you afraid?

where are you now? are you leaving me? when will you be able to talk to me?

is this you or are you under contract not to talk to anyone? Short of being under contract, i don't see why you can't talk to me. give me your number so i can call you.

i just want to hold you. if you aren't letting that happen i want to know why. is this your doing or is it out of your control? if it's out of your control when do you get to surface?

even if you can't date, why won't you speak to me? why is your life not your own to live? ie, why aren't you making any of the decisions concerning how to live?

the best way to get out of quicksand is to lie flat.

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you are like a dog on its way to the vet the second time. Why don't you want to love me back? why does it bother you that you do care about me?

how do you think that makes me feel? to know that you are trying your best not to care while i sit here and cry because i am not waking up next to you; this sucks.

i don't understand so many things about you. and i wish you would let me try. like, why do you let the fact that you will die someday decide your life? why would you rather pretend than live? i know death is coming no matter what i do, so i live the best i can so i will have stories to tell me grand kids.(ps, the stories i write now are for my children as bedtime stories.) if i die tomorrow then at least i lived, even if it wasn't as long as i wanted my life to be. besides, i try to enjoy things now in case i am too tired, sick, or crazy to enjoy them later.

why are you still treating me like an enemy? it doesn't have to be like this. we can be happy. you can trust me. but i can't love you if you are lying to me or hiding all the time. i want to know the truth, but know that i will forgive you and that i already have. nothing between us is broken; there is nothing to fix.

i have a feeling that you already work for the government. and i know you probably can't talk about it. and i know you know i have a rule against dating someone that works for the government.

i wish you would realize that i would break every rule i have if it meant being closer to you.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!