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was there ever a time when you doubted my love for you? i just can't get passed what i could have done to you that would cause you to betray me in the only unforgivable way. I have no doubt about your intentions then. they were on purpose so it was clear that you wanted to sever any feelings you might have had for me at the time.

what could i have possibly done to you? the worst part is that i have no idea. if it isn't sex with other people, then what?

All i have ever asked from you was to come closer. i wanted you to come back to me. i wanted you to come home to me.

now that i think about it, what have you ever done for me? what have you ever done but treated me badly, insult me, toy with me, leave me, and ignore me. you left me and the only thing you had to do was come back to me.

you have heard me calling your name since the day you left. i miss you still. and i loved you until last friday. but i had to kill that too. what did i ever do to you but want you back.

and even now, you do nothing. i still have no idea what i mean to you. because the only thing you have shown me is that i mean nothing to you. your actions speak more than any words you have EVER said to me.

even when i could hear you, you lied to me. even when i loved you you threw it away. you denied it. you mocked me. you haunted me. then you humiliated me to everyone i know. when did you start deceiving me?

you went on and on about what good intentions you had and how it went wrong. so when you decided to spite me, what were the great intentions you had, praytell?

you watched me cry and ask why. you did nothing. you said nothing. i think of you now and it makes me sick. i am sick because you do nothing. only the buzzing in my head tells me you still haunt me.

was there ever a time when you doubted my love? all i ever wanted from you was your return. and you threw it away.

why should i let you back in my heart? what have you done for me that shows me how you feel about me? ever?

what have you ever done in this relationship that shows me you love me too? you have lied to me every chance you get. and the worst part is that you are still lying.
you are still hiding from me. and you are still blaming me for it.

i hope you feel terrible for what you have done to me. i hope you cry everyday like i did last friday. i hope your intentions became your action.

what have you ever done for me that didn't include protecting yourself? i am still your secret. you are still a stranger to me. and you have succeded in becoming a foe.

i have spent three years writing these cathartic journals and you haven't said so much a sentence to me. what do i mean to you? how exactly would you like me to derive that conclusion? your actions? your words?

so, yeah i hope you feel like shit. what you did to me was intentional and evil. why should i let you back into my heart when you won't even meet me half way? i am still your secret and you are still pretending.

what should i use to discover how you feel about me? what have you shown me of you that would let me know your feelings? all i know about you is deceit and revenge. i don't even know what i did to you. --was it any less evil than what you did for revenge?

all i ever wanted from you was your love. and all you ever give me is blame and anger.

i loved you. and i waited for you. i was waiting for your return until last friday.

I needed you the most that day and you never came. even then when i needed you most, you did nothing. i needed you to sacrifice yourself enough to watch me cry so i knew you knew how much you hurt me. i needed you then to admit your fault and mistakes, but you never came. you never said a word.

all i ever wanted from you was your return. but you never came. you couldn't put me before you even when i was breaking down long enough to apologize and explain yourself and your actions. you never apologized. you never said a word.
all i wanted last friday was your plea for forgiveness and an explanation. but you couldn't stop protecting yourself long enough to know that. heaven forbid you apologize for the pain you caused me. heaven forbid you have to watch me sob because of your stupid impulsive decisions that broke my heart and took my trust in you AND MY SISTER. you watched me cry. and you did nothing but stick the knife in my heart deeper when you did nothing.

it's not about the sex. it's about trust. if you don't measure trust through loyalty of sex, then what do you use to trust people? how do you expect me to trust you now? if i can't trust that you are committed to me by not having sex with anyone else, then what am i supposed to do since that is a main factor i use to measure my trust in a lover? if you are willing to sleep with my sister to hurt me then how do i know you won't do it again? how do i know that you won't put yourself before me every time you are challenged?

if you couldn't even apologize, explain and ask for forgiveness, how am i supposed to know that you love me? all i wanted was an apology and a plea for forgiveness, but you never came. if you can't even step outside of yourself long enough to know that was all i wanted; how can i expect any more from you?

i am still crying on the inside and you are still playing word games. all i wanted was for you to come home to me.

what have you done that shows me you love me? if all you ever show me is blame and anger, how am i supposed to believe you care?

i wanted to believe. but you did nothing. i hope you feel like shit for the pain you cause me. i hope you are crying now the way i have for you for so long.

you were the one i wanted to keep. and now i don't know what to do. but i know that i stopped putting you before me. because you did nothing for me when i needed anything that shows me you care.

word games and songs are not enough. they never were. action was what i wanted from you but now i want nothing. nothing at all since that is all you have ever given me.

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that is what you taught me.

we have never had sex and i am grateful for that. i woke up this morning and thought, "thank god he is a coward. thank god i found out he had sex with my sister after we met now rather than after i knew him. thank god he didn't approach me. thank god i never gave myself to him. thank god he is too cowardess to talk to me." because i love him so much that i probably would have forgiven him if he had the chance to explain. thank god i don't want to hear it. i knew he wouldn't come.

my sister is the one who likes the relationships where people just hurt eachother so thank god he chose her.

what was i thinking? all we are doing is hurting each other more. how could we grow if all we are doing is hurting each other.

life is painful enough as it is right now, i don't need a lover to add to my pain. i don't want him to hold anything over my head. thank god he is a coward. thank god i barely remember ever speaking to him. the most damage i did was sitting on his lap.

thank god it is finally over. thank god he was honest for the first time ever. thank god i finally saw his true colors. how could any lover of mine have already slept with my sister. that makes me sick. and to do it after we met too? fuck that. no thanks. i never deserve to be sloppy seconds. and now i know he doesn't deserve my love or attention. he can't hurt me anymore. i will numb the pain. and with time, it will lessen.
he died last night. he is dead to me. my sadness is only a reflection of mourning. it will pass and i will love again. he is dead to me.

all we were doing is hurting each other more. i will turn to my friends. i will find another lover who won't hurt me. that was not love. it was spite.
and now all i have to do is walk away. thank god he is a coward. thank god he couldn't talk to me. thank god he is only a ghost. thank god i didn't know him like he knew me. thank god i can't assign a face to my hate. thank god there is no object of my disgust. he is only a figment of my imagination and thank god he will never be anything more.
he can't hurt me anymore. and i won't let him. i don't have to listen to his lies. and i don't have to wait for his attention. thank god he is a coward. thank god he never spoke to me. thank god i never let him in my bed. thank god i never signed on the dotted line.
thank god i am stronger than he will ever be. thank god he finally turned on the light.

thank god it was a long time ago. maybe now i can forgive my sister. i wonder, did she know she was hurting me?
thank god he chose to tell me through a computer. thank god he didn't tell me in person or explain. thank god his voice can't haunt me.
thank god he'll never know what he is missing. thank god he is out of my life.

i loved him. and he managed to kill it without a word. thank god i am no longer his fool. he turned on the light and i found my way out. now i can cut him out of my heart and drown the pain. thank god i didn't marry him. thank god there are no children.
i don't know what to do about my sibling. but thank god i never have to mention him again.
thank god my sister left him. thank god he is a coward. thank god i am not. one day my sister and i will be able to laugh about this. i will then thank god for walking away now.

i am not a fool, but i was his. Thank god i don't have to be anymore.

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if i am so happy in this relationship, why am i not singing? has the songbird in me left for good? have my sinuses been acting up too much to sing?

or does my heart not feel light enough to sing? is this love that i am feeling or something else? am i settling?

or am i sabotaging my own happiness because he isn't you? then again, who are you? and what were you to me? am i too scarred from you cruelty to let him into my heart? or is my heart just being careful because of the pain you caused me?

can this man make me happy? are we just working out the beginning kinks? or am i just trying to make it work?

i think a part of it is that we are still new to each other. but part of it is that damn ex situation. he should know how tender of a subject it is. and he needs to cut the umbilical chord between them. he needs to snap out of her spell. she needs to recognize that there is a new pair of ovaries that he belongs to. i need to tighten the leash before he feels like wandering back over to her.

but if he is willing to ignore my simple request to down load pictures of us onto his myspace in order to avoid a confrontation with her, how valuable to him can i be?

i don't want to have to fight for his attention. but i will if it means i will get it. so, i guess i need to ask myself if he is worth fighting for.

i am conflicted about this one. i do not feel the spark i have with past lovers. usually, i am head over heels initially and then pull away over time as they hurt me. but with this one it is the opposite. my heart is resilient to let him in. am i just not over you? or is my heart telling him to let go. i have never had this conflict before. usually i can trust myself to know what is right. but this time i don't know what is right.
am i getting in my own way? or is his ex doing that for me? am i myself only putting half of me in? how can i expect 100% from him if i am not contributing 100%?

is there a way to make myself contribute 100%? my heart says not until this ex business is resolved. it will not sacrifice any more of it until it knows that he will not scar me.

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I was thinking about what i actually know about you yesterday. I read your journals of which i am blocked from and i read about how you go to all of these places and you see things all while also managing to work so hard.

which is great, i mean good for you. But what i don't get is how you manage to do all of these things while also being so close to me that you can follow me during my lunch breaks. how is it that you work all day and can still manage to escape at the exact moment i leave to get lunch? i don't doubt your abilitites for your job as i am sure you excel in it, but what i am questioning is how you have managed to do all of that while also maintaining a close watch on me.

i feel like you are lying to someone. is it the journal or me? Do you just make up the stories you write down? Or are you not following me around? I don't see how you can be two places at once AND accomplishing all of the great things you are doing in your career.

what i concluded by these thoughts is that i don't know anything about you. i have come to my own conclusions for most of the things i do know about you and that sucks. Because if you are lying on the journal then i don't know anything because that is my only source of information about you. And if you aren't following me around, then i must be hallucinating; which also makes me scared.

how well do you think you know me? for example, do you know that i truly hate these games and they are making me become negative towards you?

this train of thought is a scary one because i don't know who you are lying to. maybe yourself.

but what am i supposed to do? you hide from me in so many ways, i wonder what could ever change. you won't come any closer and you won't tell me the truth.

all i have wanted from you was the chance. a real chance and i wanted you to try. All you had to do was show up willing to try. have you? i don't know because i can't see you anymore. Don't change because of what you think i am looking for. i want to know you. and i know that isn't an easy request, but it wouldn't be easy for me either. it hurts me that you dive so far into my life to research the things i say about myself because you question my earnestness. i have no reason to lie to you. but i feel like you lie to me. so what aren't you believing about your earnestness? do you tell different stories to people so that no one knows who you really are?

Do you know who you really are? Is the reason you can't show me who you really are because you don't know? how is that possible? are you lost in your game?

i wish you would speak to me. i wish you would let me in. But you don't. and you won't let me help you. you have become institutionalized. you are lost in your own cage and you have made the walls your friends because you don't trust real people.

silly monkey. you did this to yourself. and all your pretending and lies is making you more sad and lonely. there is nothing i can do if you keep me locked out. and there is no way to fix this if we can't start with the truth.

trust is what makes a relationship stronger. and we must try to trust. you can't go around it because this is what happens. showing another person your vulnerability is what makes you trust them. if you keep showing a faccad, trust never develops.

i asked you once about your intentions. you asked if lying was okay if it had good intentions and i asked you if the pain caused by the discovery of the lie was less than the truth would have caused. but the reality is, you were not protecting anyone but yourself. and for that you have caused everyone pain.

the sad part is, the truth would have ebbed if you would have just come clean and shown your true colors. we could be happy and together already. and we could be in love.

but look at us now. everything is such a mess. we are both unhappy and apart. and love seems like an inside joke of a magical escapade that never happened.

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What did i do to let you down? what keeps stopping you from coming closer? now, think about this for a second.

was it something i did, or is it you?

are you the one that is fucking this up or am i? i know we both are. you think i keep giving up on you and i think that you never had any hope for us so you don't bother.

i don't get that. are you trying to keep yourself from me hurting you? what about how much you are hurting me by staying away? don't my feelings count for anything? Can't you see that we are both unhappy by staying apart?

i can't promise that there won't be any more pain. and the truth is that hopefully we won't be the ones to cause eachother pain. my hope is that any pain in the future will be caused by life around us. i don't want to hurt you. and i don't want to let you keep hurting me.

but wait, aren't you a masochist too? so, why are you so afraid of pain?

ugh, i am so tired of trying to mash this out by myself. the reality i have no idea why you stay away from me. but i am sick of it. i don't deserve to be neglected by you. (ps, everything you do with out my knowledge or with out my input does not count as interaction).

i am so tired of you not explaining everything and leaving me to guess everything. i don't even know your eye color and i am sick of not knowing you. if you don't want to come closer, fine.

you gamble on everything but me, and i am tired of it. if you won't wake up and realize that your life is passing you by why you dwell on making any sort of decision, you will be an old man still staring out his window waiting for happiness to knock on your door.

i jumped. you didn't. i jumped again, and you did nothing but watch me hit rock bottom.

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